Dead Homer Society

Changing Timeslots

2009-04-07T23:10:00.003-04:00

The Dead Homer Society is taking the freeway to some other site. You can find us at www.deadhomersociety.wordpress.com.

Synergy Has a Glaring Omission

2009-04-07T15:33:00.000-04:00

"I was just thinking about Homer Simpson." - Not Shelley Long

"That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning." - Moe

One has to admire IGN's synergistically hacktacular efforts to glowingly review Zombie Simpsons. Faced with such a daunting task as trying to put a positive spin on Maggie's bizarre subplot, they elected to simply ignore it altogether. The word "Maggie" doesn't appear once and there isn't a single reference to her big part in the episode. Can't say something nice? Don't say anything at all. That is top notch synergy.

Happily for us, they did delve, deeply, into the even more brain rotting main "plot". Enjoy:

April 6, 2009 - In order to produce the contractually obligated number of episodes, Tthere are always a few episodes (or more) every season dedicated to one of the Simpsons Zombie Simpsons side characters. This week, it was the shattered remnants of Moe. And as is often the case when Moe is at the center of the episode, the focus was ~~romance~~ pointlessly saccharine failure. Moe has never been the classiest of people, and, on network television at least, that usually turns the women away. Or rather, he can usually ~~pull it together~~ act way out of character for a little while, but eventually blow it in the end because the writers will probably want to do this at least three more times. And that's exactly what happened in the ~~bittersweet~~ repetitive and ~~funny~~ boring "Eeny Teeny Maya Moe."

Early in the episode, Moe excitedly tidied up his bar while retelling the story of how he had come to know Maya, an unimaginative female plot device. Fittingly, Moe had been wooing her via the Internet connection at the Springfield Public Library. ~~Loved seeing that~~ Gil was also there. The Internet love connection ~~had a few enjoyable bits~~ tried to make fun of things that were cutting edge five years ago and failed at even that modest task, including Moe asking if Maya was just some creepy guy at a public library, and then Maya asking the same question back. Moe's ~~tragically true~~ response: "Actually, there is a much creepier guy right next to me." (The guy was Crazy Cat Lady, making an appearance to eat some clock and cause Moe a little pain.) There was also a~~n entertaining~~ tedious, exposition filled bit involving the risk of opening Maya's jpeg, and then Moe prepping his own.

When the two finally decided to meet, Moe was surprised to find Maya was a little person, which made no sense but was necessary to provide a pre-commercial cliffhanger. ("Oh, you're a little person. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. What's the correct term?" "Little person." "Whoa! Look at me being polite.") I really ~~enjoyed~~ despised these initial few moments because they setup a plodding, predictable and utterly unbelievable morality tale. When Moe remarked that the picture of her standing in front of a building made her look "more life-size," Maya revealed it was taken at LEGO Land. I also ~~loved~~ quickly tired of the few bits where Moe would say something that seemed wildly inappropriate, only to find out they were innocent true statements. ~~The best~~ One of these was when they were ready to go to their dinner date and Moe said he'd get the car seat. This was not a dig at Maya's size. Moe actually did need to get the passenger seat to his car, which he had removed for ~~better mileage~~ some reason.

The relationship was going ~~well~~ exactly to formula. As only ~~Moe~~ a comedy writer could put it, "It's like my heart wants to do her." The biggest contrived obstacle for Moe was going to be introducing Maya to his judgmental friends. Their ~~mentality~~ newfound cruelty was displayed when Lenny, Carl and Barney made fun of Homer for not remembering limericks. This gave us ~~my favorite random~~ the most egregious out of character line from the episode, when Lenny explained, "It's A, A, B, B, A, dumb ass!"

As the relationship ~~progressed~~ dragged on, Moe was making more and more slip-ups. One of the ~~funniest~~ dumbest was when Moe initially thought Maya lived in a tree. ~~He then made up~~ This allowed the script to include the excuse that lots of people live in trees: "Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears, flood victims." But things only got worse when Moe ~~reached the point of~~ completed his transparent character arc by proposing to Maya. Maya quipped, "Are you asking me to be your little woman?" and then Moe tore off with a ~~long rant of~~ series of gentle, safe for network TV little people jokes. It became not funny to Maya and the relationship was ended because her purpose in this episode had been served. This seemed understandable enough, but I wish Moe's jokes had been ~~a bit more mean to truly make an effect~~ funny in the least. After all, ~~Maya was making the jokes first, so I felt Moe's jokes should have had a bit more bite~~ this show used to be a comedy.

Still, after a ~~failed~~ time killing attempt to shorten himself through surgery with Dr. Nick, and one last encounter with a hurt Maya, Moe was able to find the positive in his situation through the knowing wisdom of Homer J. Simpson, the svengali of Zombie Simpsons. Trying to make his favorite bartender feel better, Zombie Homer ~~said~~ lectured, "Sometime when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you, and that means someone can love you again. And that'll make you smile." A ~~simple~~ corny and un-Homer sentiment, but it lifted Moe's spirits, so this piece of shit could finally end. Moe added, "Who'da thought such a little woman could make me feel so big?" It was ~~a sweet~~ an appropriately dimwitted way to end this ~~enjoyable episode~~ embarrassingly clichéd tripe.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

"You have such a beautiful voice." - Bart Simpson

"Guilty, as charged." - Sideshow Bob

Nobody Loves You!

2009-04-06T14:42:00.003-04:00

The numbers are in and they're about what we've come to expect from Zombie Simpsons here in latter part of the 08-09 season. Last night's excruciating romantic comedy/morality tale thing was viewed by 6.40 million unfortunate people. That's a slight decrease from last week and has pushed the season average below 7.5 million.

Season 19 averaged 8.26 million viewers per episode; I'm hoping that this season ends up below 7.26 million viewers as that would make for an impressive sounding decrease of one million viewers from season to season. There are somewhere between four and six episodes left, and if the next four episodes are watched by the same 6.4 million people as this one then the season average would fall to to 7.25 million.

C'mon Zombie Simpsons, choke on your own mediocrity.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-06T09:00:00.003-04:00

"You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out." - Karl
(gasps) "Who told you?" - Homer Simpson

No Just God Would Permit This

2009-04-05T20:59:00.002-04:00

What the fucking fuck was that? I miss the Moe who threatened to gut a ten year old child and sexually harassed his cocktail waitress. I miss the Maggie who organized the resistance at the Ayn Rand School for Tots and caught a bottle as it sailed towards Homer's head. Also, and I don't want to watch it again to be sure, but I think the part of Bart Simpson was played by Casper, the ghost of his good friend Richie Rich.

Edited to add that the O/U on the ratings is set at 6.2 million viewers. Ugh, what an unfathomable nightmare of television.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

"Yo, Mr. Black, another Brandy." - Jimbo Jones

"Gentlemen, to evil." - Mr. Black

Saturday Morning Cartoons

2009-04-04T11:42:00.000-04:00

"Just sign this form, and the money will be yours." - C.M. Burns

The above is a perfect example of proper plot exposition and minor character usage. I would submit this in direct contrast to, say, Rev. Lovejoy not being holy for a while, Skinner and Comic Book Guy chasing an ancient riddle and especially magical tomato sauce.

Homer needs $5,000, Burns gives it to him because Homer doesn't understand the word "usury", and the story moves along. There are no words wasted and no more time taken than necessary. The five grand is never mentioned again because it doesn't need to be. Everyone acted in character; Homer made a poor financial decision and Burns tightened his stranglehold on Homer's tiny life. It's hilarious, it fits, and it ends quickly.

I love this show.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

"Look at all those worried faces. Except for Lenny, he looks great!" - Marge Simpson

"This is the worst day of my life." - Lenny Leonard

Friday Link Dump - Canadian Underwear Edition

2009-04-03T15:13:00.001-04:00

"Free and easy Lis, ahh. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort." - Bart Simpson

Mentioning unmentionables - It's meandering, it's about underwear, and he flubs the quote slightly; still, that's pretty good usage.

The Simpsons Sundays 8PM - Mmmm, that's some top notch synergy from Fox's Toledo, OH affiliate.

ER Ends Its 15-year Run on TV. Good Riddance - It's always pleasing when shows that haven't been relevant for a long time finally turn out the lights. Plus he mentions Zombie Simpsons.

Humane Society of the United States presents 23rd Genesis Awards - Zombie Simpsons won for what must be that "cow" episode I said I was glad I'd never seen. Hey, isn't the Humane Society good at putting things long past their prime out of their misery? Just saying.

"Wedding For Disaster"/"Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"/"Wife Insurance" - Steve Heisler of A.V. Club has failed. In complaining that Zombie Simpsons had to spend too much time on backstory he writes:

But because the show has to spend a bunch of time explaining why they are allowed to do what they are about to do—presumably to appease message board fans—they've wasted time they could be spending on the episode proper.

Bzzzt. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. A.V. Club may reward knowledge, but here at Dead Homer Society we punish ignorance and that is a profoundly ignorant statement. It has been amply demonstrated that Zombie Simpsons doesn't give two shits about "message board fans", they never have and never will. (Whether or not they should is a separate question.) And they certainly weren't eating up all that clock to make internet fanboys happy (killing time is precisely what makes us unhappy). They eat clock because each episode only contains about three decent jokes and that just doesn't cut it for a 22-minute show.

Comic book writer Mark Millar is giving up 'The Simpsons' for Lent! - He's doing it for a charity instead of some phony baloney deity, but it still strikes me as stupid. Though he seems an agreeable enough fellow:

He said: I always try to give up beer for Lent and fail two weeks in.

So the family and I are all doing something a little different this year and will give up The Simpsons, which is our favourite television programme.

Im pleased about this because it means I can still go to the pub.

To be fair, two (or three) whole weeks with only wine is enough to make anyone go crazy.

April Fools': Best of the Net - Homer Simpson's voice was used on the PA system of Parisian train stations. It's not Castellaneta's voice, presumably it's whoever does the French dubbed dialogue. I find the YouTube video oddly interesting, though of course it doesn't hurt that it's only twenty-eight seconds long:

The good oil: BMW 7 series to stop 'Homer Simpson syndrome' - I don't see what talking on a cellphone while driving really has to do with Homer, but I'm not from New Zealand.

MICA survey to assist city leader decisions - Remember when I said the statistics quote is the one I see screwed up more often than any other? Here it is again. Forfty!

LBS Startups to Keep on Your Map - This is about cellphones, but the Marge reference is excellent usage.

Fashion Police - I don't generally approve of fashion columns or Ohio State, but this I can get on board with:

Ah the Simpsons. An all-time classic television show that's been on for about as long as I've been alive and that's actually been funny for about half of it.

Indeed.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-03T09:00:00.002-04:00

"You know Marge, that Bart of ours is a little miracle. His winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me, before the weight of the world crushed my spirit." - Homer Simpson

Put Down The Glass Dick

2009-04-02T16:30:00.000-04:00

"Let's just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs." - Homer Simpson

I have been perusing some of my favorite Simpsons forums in the last few days and for the most part the responses to last Sunday's Zombie Simpsons have been par for the season. Most people can't express enough love for the new episodes, a few are satisfied but have some complaints, and even fewer seem to hate them enough to qualify for membership in DHS. What I have been seeing that bothers me is an increase in comments that express a desire to see even more of the crap that has ruined this show over the years. Seriously people, has the crack epidemic picked up again? Is FOX spiking the world's water supply? What drugs are you people doing that forces you to post this garbage on the internet for everyone to see? For example, the user 'Simpsonfloyd' on nohomers.net states

The parson could even become for Lovejoy waht (sic) Chalmers is for Skinner That would be interesting

First of all it wouldn't. Unless you mean interesting like having your face mauled by a bear. Then it would. That singing bastard almost cost me sex with my wife for a month. Second of all, that is the kind of thing that ruined the fucking show! We don't need any more characters! Throw away characters are fine, but they almost always end up becoming regulars. Why is Disco Stu not only in most episodes but in the fucking opening?!? The same goes for the octuplets and for that matter Gil. Also, and I am sure I am not the first bird to sing this song, Gil is an absolutely appalling replacement for the many characters of the late Phil Hartman. In fact every time I see Gil in an episode I get the feeling Mr. Hartman is crying in rich man heaven. But I digress.

Well, that user's comment covers the addition of new characters, but as long as were are talkin' crazy, let me add to the list of things I assume people like Simpsonfloyd would love to see:

1. Homer Crying more often. 20 seconds an episode just ain't going to do it. In fact let's see if Homer can cry for the duration of an entire episode sometime.

2. More story shows. There is nothing like a good episode where the family ends up in a library or something and retells famous stories with them in place of the orignal characters. Man that's good TV.

3. Less Scenes in the power plant. Back in the first 10 seasons of the show Homer spent an inordinate amount of time at work. While it was sometimes funny, it wasn't that funny and it encourages countries like France to rely on nuclear power. Homer may get fired almost every episode nowadays, but can't we just pretend he never worked there at all? The planet and the Country's funny bones will thank you.

4. More B-list celebrities. We've been doing a good job avoiding the A-listers this season with the likes of Mark Cuban, Emily Blunt and Will Shortz, but let's really go for it folks! I say we get some guests like Craig Ferguson, Kathy Griffen, or the guy that played Bud on the series "Married With Children." I bet he'd do it for free!

I can't do this anymore, my soul hurts. Anyway, I would like to request that you Zombie fans lay off the pipe for a few weeks and see if you still want to see such nonsense every Sunday night. I think you'll be surprised.

Simpsons stamps to make life worthwhile

2009-04-02T10:36:00.001-04:00

"The airplane's upside down." - Homer Simpson

Downtrodden philatelists rejoice - the United States Postal Service has heard your desperate, needy pleas and in an act of noblesse oblige, will finally loose a series of Simpsons-themed stamps for public comsumption. In conjunction with the Fox marketing machine, these stamps are obviously intended to be another salvo in what is sure to be a clusterfuck of a Simpsons 20th anniversary media onslaught later this year.

The 44-cent first class stamps will be previewed on April 9th; no word yet as to when they'll be released into nerds' greedy, greasy mitts. If we're lucky, maybe we'll even get an episode where the stamps are featured in some dreadful cross-promotional plot. Hey, we can dream, can't we?

Via Reuters.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-02T09:00:00.003-04:00

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment." - Homer Simpson

"Are you going to eat it?" - Marge Simpson

(pause) "Yes." - Homer Simpson

Matt Groening's a little confused

2009-04-01T14:00:00.002-04:00

“Matt Groening? What’s he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.” - Homer Simpson

We just caught wind that Matt Groening was interviewed last week by the folks over at the A.V. Club. In the interview, Mr. Groening revealed his insights into the past and future of animation and humor, while pontificating about the meaning of heaven and earth. Well, he didn’t really discuss the last bit so much, but he did offer some choice words for critics of Zombie Simpsons, with which we naturally take issue. To wit:

“The criticism of the show, that it’s not as good as the show you remember when you were 9 years old, is probably true, but then no show is as good as the one you thought was probably the greatest when you were 9 years old. It’s the nature of comparing something to the thing you loved the most at the time. If the show had been cancelled after five seasons, it would be forgotten.”

Challenge. I was one of those 9-year-olds that grew up with the show. While I watched The Simpsons back then and was entertained by it on a baser level, it wasn’t until later in high school when I appreciated the show for what it was: a dense, multi-faceted comedy that rewarded thoughtful viewers with sharp, intelligent humor. At age 9, I thoroughly enjoyed the show’s slapstick tendencies and occasional puerile jokes (Buttzilla, anyone?) since the cultural references usually flew over my head. As I grew up, I fell in love with the show as subtle allusions to classic literature, film, and pop culture revealed themselves, while the edgy social satire suddenly made sense. This had the effect of making The Simpsons even richer; it was the show that kept on giving. Imagined nostalgia and hollow sentiment have nothing to do with why I love the first eight or so seasons. And I speak for all of us here at the Dead Homer Society when I say they will be treasured, not forgotten.

The bearded one continues:

“If The Simpsons came on now, having never been seen before, with those original episodes, I don’t think anyone would give them a second look, because they’re so crude and primitive in their execution. But like I said, styles change, and all I ask of critics—of online critics of the show that say ‘Oh, it hasn’t been good since season X’—is that, in the opinion of people who work on the show, that’s simply not true. I’m not saying that every episode is better than the previous, but I’m saying that to completely out-of-hand condemn a decade of the show is a very easy position to take, and the fact is, the show has done absolutely brilliant stuff consistently throughout its history. Like I said, I’m not defending every single joke in every single episode, but if we didn’t like what we were doing, we wouldn’t keep doing it.”

Admittedly, the original episodes were “crude and primitive in their execution” - no argument there. Then again, I would expect an episode produced in 2009 to look better than one produced in 1989. Aesthetics aside, the episodes in the first couple seasons were still well-written and the characters endearing, effortlessly setting the stage for the brilliance that characterized later seasons. The impact those seasons had on viewers is indelible and their critical reception is well-deserved. It’s a tough act to consistently prolong year after year.

While I can sense Mr. Groening’s brooding frustration at those who damn a body of work because of a few bad instances, I don’t think the show’s most sober critics are doing that. We're not that simple-minded. It is disingenuous, however, to say that the show has “absolutely done brilliant stuff consistently throughout its history.” No way. It is a complete lack of consistency that is the hallmark of Zombie Simpsons. Plots have become lazier, gags cruder. Venerable characters have been redefined after years of careful development (notably, Homer’s perplexing transformation from oafish, loving father to obnoxious, injury-prone jackass), a perfect foil for the insufferable and foolish cavalcade of celebrity guest stars. The show that has, for all intents and purposes, defined modern comedy has slipped into the conventions that it used to boldly and routinely reject.

Accepting Zombie Simpsons for what it is, let’s go ahead take Mr. Groening’s assertion at face value, that is, the folks who work on the show continue to enjoy what they do and that’s why they keep doing it. Well, duh. Talk about an an easy ad hominem argument, which in the face of declining viewership and social relevance makes even less sense. It still prints money for those involved, but really, how fat do your coffers need to be?

Listen, none of us would be complaining if the show had soldiered on with contemporary ideas and quality intact. But, as Mr. Groening implies, it’s not reasonable to expect that. We agree. Twenty years is an eternity in television. We've been insistent that Zombie Simpsons as is bears little resemblance to the show that preceded it. So either fix it (improbable, now that we're fumbling through the twentieth season), call it something else (pointless - a spade's a spade), or just let it die. We've been happily endorsing the latter option and not just out of empty, callous spite. There’s simply no shame in admitting when enough’s enough.

Oh, and Matt - you have an open and standing invitation to speak with us whenever you’d like.

Quote of the Day

2009-04-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Now who's laughing? Now who's laughing?" – The Simpsons

Grammatically Incoherent Synergy

2009-03-31T16:49:00.000-04:00

"I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV. This one is for real." - Homer Simpson

I highly recommend clicking over to IGN for this week's edition of Network Synergy and You. Not so much for the "review" itself, as it has been significantly improved below, but for the instantly recognizable image of Marge, which has been labeled with a caption that reads (and I am not making this up): "This is the character Marge Simpson from the animated television series The Simpsons." Well, holy shit, I would not have been able to figure that one out for myself.

Enjoy:

March 30, 2009 - "Wedding for Disaster" was one of those episodes that, while not ~~knocking you down with laughter~~ clever or entertaining, was quite ~~fun~~ easy to ~~watch~~ mock. It had a number of common Simpsons stories (religion, romance, movie ~~parodies~~ references, the rotting comedy carcass of Sideshow Bob) all stuck together into one bloated episode. I think that's why I ~~enjoyed~~ wasn't the least bit surprised by it. Once you thought you were settling into one story, the episode ran out of ideas, took a turn and started to take you in another direction. It was an episode that had me ~~smiling~~ shaking my head for 30 full minutes, ~~if not always laughing out loud~~.

Things began with the show ~~having~~ trying to have a little fun with religion, as it ~~has~~ once had a reputation to do. Reverend Lovejoy explained that there were really only two commandments and that the rest are just filler, which would be funny if George Carlin hadn't done exactly that eight years ago. ~~Makes sense to me~~. The good reverend also announced that ~~the Parson~~ an inoffensive, made up religious figure would be visiting Springfield. Apparently, the Parson is a bit like the Pope in the "Presbyluthern" religion, which the writers probably took eight hours creating after rejecting Baptomethodism. ~~I loved how~~ Real Simpsons was always non-specific ~~this episode was~~ about what religion is actually practiced at Lovejoy's church, because it's funnier that way. Lenny's excitement over "the earthly embodiment of the elected chair of the national congress of deacons" ~~was my favorite line from this portion of the episode~~ did not in any way sound forced coming from a guy who is supposed to be a blue collar drone.

The Parson's visit was to let Lovejoy know that, for a time, he was uncertified to perform church related acts for some reason. This meant that anything he officiated during that time period simply didn't count because . . . duh. There was a montage of scenes with Lovejoy breaking this news to people, and the ~~best~~ most time consuming was Cletus thinking the mailman was a ghost who has been haunting his shack. I also felt Homer greeting Lovejoy as the pizza deliveryman was ~~ridiculously sublime~~ a typically pointless Homer monologue.

Another highlight of this episode was how the series handle to main plot(?). [Editor's Note: Unpossible!] Lovejoy ~~had~~ officiated Homer and Marge's second marriage in season eight's "A Milhouse Divided." Marge recalled this event in another clock eating gimmick as she looked through her scrapbook because most of the remaining viewers of this show were in diapers at the time. ~~I'm so happy this happened, because~~ All too often ~~the series~~ Zombie Simpsons will go on with a plot that ~~could and should, in some way, reference~~ was more or less lifted directly from something that ~~has~~ occurred earlier in the series' run. ~~All too often,~~ The writers have either forgotten about these events, or they simply didn't bother to fit in an explanation or acknowledgment of any kind in. "Wedding for Disaster" made ~~great~~ use of the previous episode and, like a fourth-rate sequel, ~~smartly~~ used it to ~~move~~ tether this episode's gimmick of a story ~~forward~~ to characters the audience once cared about.

With their previous second marriage null and void, Homer wanted to give Marge the big, romantic wedding she ~~never had~~ got back in Season 8. As Homer put it, we wanted this wedding to be, like the one we had twelve years ago "~~unlike our children~~, planned in advance." This portion of the episode was ~~the least enjoyable~~ indistinguishably bad from the others. Marge became a bridezilla during the planning process, for some reason. This didn't work ~~for me~~. Marge has been known to get frazzled now and again, ~~but~~ and the meanness didn't suit her here, but this is Zombie Simpsons we're talking about so nothing should come as a surprise. When Homer didn't come out for the ceremony, Marge thought it was because of how she acted, because "bridezillas" are notorious for instantly blaming themselves. Instead, the episode took another turn and gave us a mini Saw ~~parody~~ re-enactment. The hot sauce lollipop ~~was great~~ made me want wings. And then ~~the episode~~ this piece of shit threw us for another loop when Sideshow Bob ~~arrived as a suspect in Homer's kidnapping~~ showed up to help kill some more time. The Bob scene was ~~fun~~ a waste, but again, ~~nothing that exactly bowled me over.~~ what isn't on this show these days?

Ultimately, it was ~~revealed~~ decided that Patty and Selma were behind ruining the wedding, because the writers once again painted themselves into a corner. ~~This fit and was also fun~~. And it was also ~~sweet~~ contrived, out of character bullshit to have Homer's recitation of his vows be the turning point for his sisters-in-law. Again, this was~~n't~~ a howlingly ~~funny~~ awful episode, but there were some ~~great~~ individual parts that were even worse, and overall "Wedding for Disaster" was a ~~pleasant enough telling of Marge and Homer's third and fourth weddings~~ reminder of why genuinely creative television shows don't need to recycle plots.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Lousy Smarch weather." – Homer Simpson

Still Shitty

2009-03-30T17:50:00.001-04:00

The numbers are in and while they're a mild improvement from last week they're still well below both the season average and where they were last year. Last night's Sideshow Bob cameo popped for 6.58 million viewers, so the over has it.

I would also like to point out that "Wedding for Disaster" is a pretty good example of pop culture references instead of pop culture jokes. I'm not opposed to sending up the concept of psychotic brides to be, because it's a ridiculous concept and could use some satirizing. Nor am I opposed to sending up the bridezillas themselves, because crazy people applying their narcissistic crazy to their wedding and everyone around them also deserve to have some fun poked at them. But that's not what "Wedding for Disaster" did. Instead it just has Marge acting nuts (and way way way out of character) in the context of a wedding. They aren't satirizing anything, they're just having their characters act out an overly planned wedding.

The same goes for the "Saw" thing. Did it add anything to the episode? Of course not, they just wanted to reference a string of popular movies. It's not like the "Saw" franchise isn't crying out to be made fun of, they've made five movies in five years. But Zombie Simpsons didn't make fun of them, they just used the "Saw" plot and visuals to inch their moronic plot along.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

"I didn't think you'd understand." – Lisa Simpson

"Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." – Homer Simpson

Bubbling with Anticipation

2009-03-29T12:54:00.004-04:00

I just clicked on the epguides.com link to tonight's Zombie Simpsons. Here is what it says:

After Marge and Homer's marriage turns out to be invalid, they decide to re-do their vows. But when Homer goes missing, Bart and Lisa smell something funny and investigate his disappearance.

Oh good, it's a recycled plot and and adventure mystery. Color me tickled pink. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to pre-emptively watch "A Milhouse Divided" and "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" to steel my brain against tonight's onslaught of stupid.

(That's Season 8 Disc 1 and Season 6 Disc 2, respectively, by the way.)

Edit: While I'm at it, let's set the O/U for tonight's ratings at a flat 6.00 million viewers. I'll be optimistic and take the Under.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-29T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Go on Homer, our commandments clearly state that beer is alright. Try some." – Rev. Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

2009-03-28T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Two!" – Homer Simpson

"Mmnn, actually Homer that's just one. See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part." - Lenny

Friday Link Dump - Obscure Guest Voice Edition

2009-03-27T15:31:00.000-04:00

"That guy cheapens our whole profession." - Bruce Baum

T.O. funnyman Bruce Baum soars into cyberspace - Remember the guy pictured above? He's got a comedy website, TheOuterNet.com (careful, video plays when you click), that The Ventura County Star wrote an article about and, in typical newspaper fashion, neglected to link. Whatever, barbecue armpit deodorant sounds good to me.

Channeling Homer Simpson on the Deficit Numbers - MIT economist Jonathan Gruber gets a gold star for excellent usage.

Are The Best Days Of 'The Simpsons' Over? - The basic premise here is right on, though it's written for a website called Starpulse so there's a distinct whiff of Valley Girl crazy about the whole thing. (From Starpulse's about page: "Starpulse.com offers celebrity enthusiasts like you . . ", uh, count me out, thanks.) There is one little thing that deserves special attention though, the misspelling of 'Jebus'. I see this all over the place, 'Jeebus' instead of 'Jebus'. For fuck's sake people, it's pronounced exactly like the original but with a "b" in place of an "s". There is no need for an extra "e". Wow, that got off topic fast.

Great minds think differently - It's a list of thinkers, and I used the term loosely, who might have opinions about the current recession, including Homer Simpson, Sun Tzu, Epicurus, and Tony Soprano. This guy is padding his list just a bit, methinks.

Triceratops Was A Social Animal, Group of Dinosaur Fossils Suggests - A site in Montana has fossils from a bunch of different Triceratops skeletons. It's called the Homer Site because the guy who found it, Helmuth Redschlag, is a Simpsons fan. Well done.

Lottery win like a joke, trucker says - This guy won almost two million dollars from a lottery machine that said "Woo hoo!" when he scanned his ticket.

Transit Spotting - Mr. Matt Smith isn't very happy with a new San Francisco transit project. I couldn't tell you anything about the merits of the project, but the man's got his Simpsons straight and that's good enough for us.

The 20 Hottest Movie Mums (via)- Internet lists are always pointless and stupid, but Marge is #1.

Despite the sunshine, it rained on my parade - Damn right. Even the Irish thought that episode was a piece of shit.

Barack Obama's Top 5 Bart Simpson Moments - Just one of the hundreds of radical right wing messages inserted into every post by co-creator Charlie Sweatpants.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

"In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." – Homer Simpson

Getting Out of Hand

2009-03-26T12:24:00.002-04:00

"I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job." - Bart Simpson

Simpsons Channel has a post up with the promo image for April 19th's Zombie Simpsons, titled "The Good, the Sad and the Drugly". Here's the plot description:

To win the heart of Jenny (guest voice Anne Hathaway) a sweet 5th grade girl, Bart becomes a good samaritan and gives up his prank-pulling days

Given the presence of the perfectly cromulent word "drugly" in the title I'm gonna guess that this girl might have a lesson or two to teach Bart about growing up. It's always creepy and rage inducing when Zombie Simpsons goes on one of its weird "we're moralizing/but no we're really mocking moralizing/um yeah, we're actually moralizing" skids. That was about half the run-time of this season's feculent "Mypods and Boomsticks" episode and it always sucks.

Well, at least we found out who Anne Hathaway is voicing on the Simpsons. Apparently it's going to be Bart's love interest, not Krusty's. The earlier leaked plot was to have her testify in court when . . . ugh . . . Krusty was falsely accused of a crime. Now it seems she's voicing a goody-two-shoes that . . . ugh . . . Bart straightens up and flies right in order to impress. I wouldn't rule out the Krusty-accused plot also being included; there's no real limit to the amount of stupidity Zombie Simpsons can jam into a single meandering story. Of course, if that little gem of a Krusty plot isn't in there on April 19th, we could always see it later.

On the plus side, the endless repetition of earlier plots may finally be having an effect. There are some grumbly comments on that Simpsons Channel post from people who otherwise still think it's good.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

"You're like the guy, you're a legend around here. Can I ask you, is it true you once worked ninety-six hours straight?" – James Woods

"Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you. By the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind." – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

A Lesson in Internet Reading Comprehension

2009-03-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

"After breakfast me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine. We got a tip from a six year old that there's a dead martian down there." - Bart Simpson

I saw goofy little stories like this one and this one and this one on-line last week. They amount to nothing that could be called news and I didn't even include them in the Friday Link Dump. Then I check in on Simpsons Channel this morning and what do I see?

Barack Obama on The Simpsons?

Sigh. All of the above links can be traced to this post on the website of the British tabloid The Sun. Here is the full quote from James L. Brooks:

"We’d love to have Barack on the show. No president has agreed to do it yet but we’ll keep asking. We’re putting all the right signals out."

That's it. Brooks, speaking to a British newspaper, said they'd like to have Obama on the show. Nothing more to it than that. Of course The Sun, being a tabloid, has the headline read:

US President Barack Obama and British comic Russell Brand are being lined up for an appearance in The Simpsons

I'd say that's overstating the case a bit, but it was enough and the internet took it from there.

Would Obama want to do a guest voice on Zomibe Simpsons? I have no idea, that's up to him and the people around him. For his sake I hope they're either not thinking about it or decide not to do it. There's no sense tarnishing his image by associating him with a dying television show.

But one thing's for sure, having Brooks mention that they'd like to do it is a far, far cry from what these stories and headlines imply.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Mr. Simpson, my husband and I have decided to move." – Mrs. Winfield

"Gonna run out the clock in Florida, eh?" – Homer Simpson

I Can't Imagine Why Fox Didn't Like This

2009-03-24T15:43:00.001-04:00

I have no insight into why this little musical number from Family Guy wasn't broadcast. (It looks like it was to have been part of the fall '07 episode "Lois Kills Stewie".) The Entertainment Weekly post where I found it thinks it was the network censors, but other than the original YouTube uploader calling it "banned" I don't see any evidence of that, it may just have not made the final cut. Of course, saying something was "banned" or implying that it's somehow too "think of the children" for broadcast television certainly makes it more appealing than saying it just didn't fit in the episode.

That said, I doubt that the joke at about 2:15 pleased any network higher ups:

I could quibble with the particulars, but really I just like seeing other people say that Simpsons isn't funny any longer.

Unsurprisingly, the always tedious "Simpsons Sucks/no it doesn't Family Guy sucks" back and forth breaks out in the comments section of both the Entertainment Weekly post and the originating YouTube link.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Bart, if she breaks up on you steer away from the grandstands or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. . . . Bart, what did I just tell you?" – Martin Prince

"Kill spectators." – Bart Simpson

Oh Yeah, It Was Bad

2009-03-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

That was a fairly typical "Zombie Simpsons goes to X" type episode. A few amusing one liners and cultural jokes are all but lost inside a thin husk of a story that doesn't make any sense and takes too long to tell. The ratings are in and once again the numbers are bad, with a mere 6.15 million viewers tuning in. That's up slightly from last week, though it's still well below average for this season and a million or so people down from the same period last year.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Calls? Oh, calls. Yes, uh, the Supreme Court called again, they need your help on some freedom thing." – Della

"Tell them to sit tight, I'll get back to them." – Lionel Hutz

Quote of the Day

2009-03-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Hmm. You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates." – C.M. Burns

Saturday Morning Cartoons

2009-03-21T11:15:00.003-04:00

"I'll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn't good at it right away so I quit. I hope you're not mad." - Bart Simpson

"Son, come here, heh heh heh. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV." - Homer Simpson

"What's on?" - Bart Simpson

"It doesn't matter." - Homer Simpson

I love the above exchange, it's Homer and Bart at their best. Homer is a low-give-a-shit father; Bart is a low-give-a-shit son; and together they couldn't care less. Even better, this moment is played for sweetness, like it's a life affirming moment for Homer to encourage his son to quit music and watch television. None of this Team Mischief crap. As a bonus, there are three potential episode plots contained in that one quote. One of them happened, but the other two are just discarded because, in the before time, in the long long ago, The Simpsons overflowed with ideas.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

"You know Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you." – Grandma Simpson

"Ahh, you didn't dumb it down, you said 'rapport'." – Lisa Simpson

Friday Link Dump - Barney and Ecstasy Edition

2009-03-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

"I can see why this is so popular." - Homer Simpson

Meet Zaky, the purple bear with a message of tolerance - Zaky is a Barney clone, only he's a bear instead of a dinosaur and his original target audience was Australian Muslims. Now he's going global:

Zaky's creator, Sydney film producer Subhi Alshaik, describes the mild-mannered cartoon character as "the opposite of Bart Simpson" who teaches "good, ethical, moral messages".

I would not have guessed that the opposite of Bart Simpson was a purple bear, but what do I know?

Lunch Break: Jon Stewart's 1994 Interview With Conan O'Brien - This is O'Brien, about a year after he left The Simpsons, on Jon Stewart's short lived MTV talk show. It's mildly amusing. Oh, and Brother Bently from CollegeOTR, George Bush Sr. was not president in 1994. Kids these days.

Kids in Texas Are Getting "High" on Bart Simpson & Ninja Turtles - We're back on the Bart Simpson Ecstasy pills. I know this is from a local television station so if I'm expecting anything above a fourth grade level discussion I'm going to be disappointed, but c'mon. They've got the word "high" in scare quotes like it's a new fangled drug term to which "squares" are not yet "hip".

Candy-Shaped Drug Worries Local Cops - In Washington state they aren't even waiting for the pills to arrive before moving straight into the moral panic:

Mansfield says they haven’t yet seen the pills shaped like cartoons

Now this is the perfect story for AM radio. The station gets a story by doing nothing more than talking to a cop, and the cop gets to be on the radio for doing nothing more than being a cop. It's a perfect, news free circle jerk.

Daily Jolt: Baseball Without Borders - Very poor usage, Andrew Johnson of FanHouse, very poor. "Radical" is not what comes out of Bart Simpson's mouth, it's Milhouse's thing, that's his thing that he says.

VH1 resuscitates "Behind the Music" - Behind the Music is coming back. That's how long Zombie Simpsons has been on the air, a show that was enough of a cliche to parody nine years ago has had time to get cancelled and be brought back.

Homer Simpson goes to Middle East? - Oh yeah, this sounds like a great idea for an episode.

F1 change won't alter supermodel quotient - F1 cars are getting bubble domes?

Presumably the brains behind the world's top motor sport felt they hadn't already thrown enough curveballs at drivers, who this year will pilot cars so dramatically reshaped from last season that they look more than a little like the one Homer Simpson famously designed for his brother. That car sent Danny DeVito broke; formula one isn't quite there yet but the signs aren't trending in a positive fashion.

Hmmm, probably not. It would be cool though.

Plans underway for MacGyver movie - "No Selma, this is lying. That was a well plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch." Also, MacGyver did a guest voice in 2006? Whew, dodged a bullet there.

Scratchy has not yet been sighted - Morgan State played in the NCAA tournament last night and they've got a point guard named Itchy. He got the nickname from his brother . . . who was killed "in an argument" a few years ago. Jebus, Baltimore is a fucked up place. Still, awesome name.

Susy Schultz - New WTF column is about helping you - In this lady's alternate reality, WTF stands for "What's the Fix?". The callous stupidity on display here is pretty astonishing:

A few people -- and when I say a few, I mean only two -- called or wrote to tell me that there is another meaning to the first three letters of the name of our new column, WTF: What's the Fix?

My sons might answer that by quoting Homer Simpson, "Du-oh."

I simply would say, "Yes, I know."

But we want nothing to do with THAT word. We are very clear that we mean, What's the Fix?

We are taking back those three simple letters. And we are reinventing them into a column that will help readers. I don't think that those initials are that far gone yet.

Where to begin? Well, first of all, yes those three letters are gone and no you can't change their meaning even, as she writes at the very end, "in The Daily Journal's readership area." (That appears to be just south of Chicago.) "What the fuck" is a useful, multi-purpose phrase that works just fine; you cannot "fix" what is not currently "fucked". And, "Du-oh"? Does this woman have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell is she doing here?

Quote of the Day

2009-03-20T08:00:00.001-04:00

"Tis a fine barn, but sure tis no pool, English." – Amish Guy

"D'oheth!" – Homer Simpson

Sunday Preview: "In the Name of the Grandfather"

2009-03-19T10:12:00.004-04:00

"I will not celebrate meaningless milestones." - Chalkboard gag

American viewers are in for a real treat this Sunday night. As my colleague Mad Jon noted, "In the Name of the Grandfather" has already aired for our friends overseas, so we get to look forward to sloppy-Zombie Simpsons seconds for the first time ever. If you feel dirty, you should.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet though, some of us more resourceful types have already watched it. I won't spoil the finer surprises and disappointments, but needless to say, Mr. Potato Head has a speaking role as a judge. I kid you not. If you can't wait to revel in this cringe-inducing, Irish stereotype-laden pastiche of a shitshow, satisfaction is only a Google search and a download away. Not that we here at the Dead Homer Society support nor condone such reprehensible and appalling behavior.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-19T08:00:00.000-04:00

"I'm Kent Brockman, on the 11 o'clock news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm." – Kent Brockman

Wednesday Evening Cartoons

2009-03-18T22:01:00.000-04:00

"I'm alive! I'm alive and I couldn't be happier! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!" - Homer Simpson

The Simpsons often liked to mess around with their end credits, either playing a different song or having some remaining dialogue continue while they roll. One of the most underrated examples of this is the end of "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" (Season 2, Disc 2). After shouting the above, the credits roll while Homer sits on the couch, eating pork rinds (light!) and watching professional bowling. It's great all by itself, but the bowling announcers in the background make a good thing even better. Their subdued and petty arguments are dead on perfect for ABC's Wild World of Sports or 3:00am on Friday night ESPN in the early 90s. Cracks me up every time.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-18T08:00:00.001-04:00

"Now, you've got little hands; can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? . . . Pfft, nevermind." – Homer Simpson

Finally, A New Idea

2009-03-17T20:33:00.008-04:00

""What - are - you - looking at?" - The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at young man, a town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit." - Kent Brockman

So today is St Patrick's Day. Whoopee!!! If you are anything like me you are finishing up your Irish seven course and wondering about the special St. Patrick's Day Zombie Simpsons episode that aired tonight on the other side of the pond, and will air in the States on Sunday. This isn't the first St Pat's episode of the Simpsons, or even the second one for that matter, but I am pretty sure it is only the third time they've done it. And it's definitely the first time it's been broadcast overseas first. So there. Anyway, it's pretty meaningless to me as a shitty cartoon is a shitty cartoon in any timezone.

What does surprise me, however, is that Homer will apparently drink Guinness. In all fairness, I haven't seen the episode yet, so I garnered this info from a website called 4rfv.co.uk. I couldn't tell you whether or not this is a reliable news source, I also couldn't care less. If it is true, it means that a cartoon is pitching an actual beer brand in prime time. And while I am 100% behind both cartoons and beer, I can't, in good conscience, support the advertisement (we pronounce it ad-ver-TISE-ment over here you mick/limey fucks) of a purchasable brand of beer in a TV show that, over the last ten years, has shown an intelligence level only suitable for the entertainment of pre-teens and retards.

So, assuming my source is right, shame on you FOX. You shouldn't help beer companies sell their dangerously delicious product to the underage and handicapped. And shame on you Guinness. How dare you link your wonderful beer with such a terrible television show. You might as well have done this with "Desperate Housewives" or "Survivor" because at least then someone who can buy your product would be watching. Not me though, I hate those fucking shows.

Synergy: May I Get Out from Under Your Desk Now?

2009-03-17T19:00:00.007-04:00

"A solar eclipse, the cosmic ballet goes on." - Leonard Nimoy

Editing this review so that it no longer reeks of Fox Executive ball sweat and dick smell was far more fun than the episode itself. I even remembered things I'd blocked out, like the solar powered train that stopped in an eclipse. Where the hell have I seen that before? Ah well, I'm sure it'll come to me. Enjoy:

March 16, 2009 - The story can often make all the difference in an episode of The Simpsons. Watching Principal Skinner lead the riffraff students out of the inner city two episodes ago was ~~fun and funny to watch~~ painfully stupid partly because the story made no damn sense. Having Ned buy the Simpson home to become their landlord was ~~a bit less inspired last week~~ equally retarded, and I ~~enjoyed that episode less~~ hope I forget both of them soon. So it's no surprise that I thoroughly ~~enjoyed~~ despised "Gone, Maggie, Gone," with its ~~bent~~ dimwitted take on a Da Vinci Code-like mystery. It was ~~funny~~ boring, ~~clever~~ simple minded and a downright ~~enjoyable~~ soul crushing viewing experience.

The solar eclipse that began the episode may at first have seemed like the often unrelated opening bit that would move us onto the actual story, but here ~~it played a major role~~ there was no actual story. It was the key event that would set off a ~~hunt for the Gem of St. Theresa~~ series of random sight gags. But first, there was some ~~fun to be had~~ screen time to kill. One of the ~~most~~ least entertaining parts of this episode for me was seeing Ed Begley driving his solar powered car, which lost power on the train tracks. And then the bit ~~really paid off~~ kept going longer than it should with the train also losing power because it was an "Ed Begley Solar Powered Train." If that wasn't ~~funny~~ hackneyed enough, I ~~laughed out loud~~ shrugged with indifference when I saw Ed Begley was a guest voice in this episode without saying a word. He simply gasped and sighed in his short ~~but~~ and ineffective sequence. (Editor's Note: Begley is a third rate celebrity at best, it isn't like doing a miniscule guest voice on a show as mediocre as Zombie Simpsons is some big step down the fame ladder for him.)

Marge's blindness from looking at the eclipse ~~set up a few great bits~~ made no sense and wasn't funny but was played for dumb laughs anyway, including Dr. Hibbert showing the clip explaining Tex Avery Syndrome. There were also ~~the~~ numerous and unnecessary attempts to trick Marge into thinking Maggie and Lisa were still around. Homer's Maggie hand puppet was ~~great~~ awful even by the standards of Zombie Simpsons. Of course, losing Maggie was the contrived reason for all of this, and this happened during Homer's ~~hilarious send-up~~ time killing duplication of the classic fox/duck/corn across a river riddle. ~~Better yet~~ Eating even more time was the puzzle puzzling itself out with Cletus and a very full fox. When Homer left Maggie at a convent's steps, the really shitty parts ~~puzzle~~ of the episode began.

Lisa infiltrated the nuns to try and get Maggie back, but uncovered a far greater ~~mystery~~ way to fill the contractually obligated amount of air time. I really ~~enjoy~~ cannot fucking stand the ~~adventure~~ thinly thought through stories likes this that ~~The~~ Zombie Simpsons have given us in the past. ~~My favorite~~ One of the worst is "~~Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'~~ Simpson Safari" but "Gone, Maggie, Gone" has shot up the list. The ~~riddles~~ plot contrivances were ~~fun~~ awful and the story was ~~entertaining and funny~~ equally terrible. The never-ending Rube Goldberg contraption opening up a secret panel in the church was a ~~great~~ lazy start. It was also a ~~smart~~ necessary choice to get more of the townsfolk involved in the mystery rather than simply following Lisa from clue to clue, because that will only take up so much time. Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy were ~~an unlikely pair~~ there~~, and that added to the comedy~~. It was ~~also perfect~~ weak story telling to have Mr. Burns show up as a third faction ~~searching for the gem~~ to help move along the un-resolvable mess the writers got themselves into. The ending was ~~sweet~~ batshit fucking crazy, ~~with Maggie removing Marge's bandages,~~ and ~~I even enjoyed~~ the hellish results of Bart taking Maggie's place on the throne made even less sense.

As ~~entertaining~~ horrifyingly brain melting as the "story" was, it would not have made a difference if it weren't just as ~~equally~~ horrifyingly unfunny. Marge had a ~~great~~ line after her family kept her blind period fully stress-free: "~~Everyday~~ Every day has been like the first ten minutes of Mother's Day." I ~~laughed~~ scratched my head and looked at the clock throughout the retelling of the legend of St. Theresa, which included pirate nuns and a fake war for independence. Mr. Burns referring to Smithers as his albino was another ~~hilarious bit~~ rote plot point plugged in from The Da Vinci Code. ("I'm not an albino. I just use a lot of sun block." "Then why do I give all the albino holidays off, hmm?") Overall, it was the combination of a fully ~~engaging~~ idiotic story and ~~great~~ a complete lack of laughs that made "Gone, Maggie, Gone" another ~~winner~~ disaster for ~~The~~ Zombie Simpsons in their post-hi-def series run.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

"Who chased the Irish out of Springfield village in aught four? Me, that's who!" – Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

"And a fine job you did, too." – Irish Guy

Angry Yawns

2009-03-16T16:01:00.000-04:00

That bizarro thing that was on last night distracted me enough that I forget to make an over/under prediction for this week's ratings. Oh well, the under would've won because the numbers are in and once again they aren't pretty. Just like last week, yesterday's Zombie Simpsons failed to make the totally arbitrary six million people number, coming in at 5.97 million people.

To give you an idea of just how bad things are, through thirteen episodes of Season 19 (the lowest rated season ever), Zombie Simpsons was averaging a little over 9 million viewers. Through thirteen episodes this year Zombie Simpsons is averaging 7.72 million viewers, a decrease of 15%. What's more, the ratings tend to be lower in the spring than in the fall so that number is likely to go lower still. March, April and May of last year dragged the overall average down from 9.07 to just 8.26 million viewers.

In a related note, Family Guy Afterbirth (aka American Dad) pulled in 5.83 million viewers and actually had a better rating among 18-34 year olds than Zombie Simpsons did. Sweet.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

"I can't believe it, you've actually found a practical use for geometry." – Bart Simpson

Loss for Words

2009-03-15T20:52:00.002-04:00

"Oh no! Aliens, bio duplication, nude conspiracies, oh my god, Lyndon LaRouche was right!" - Homer Simpson

I am at a loss for a way to criticize tonight's Zombie Simpsons. It was so incoherent, random and boring that the only way to address it on its own level would be for me to drag my knuckles across the keyboard in a random pattern. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

About the rats, the poison, the car crash and the rowboat:

xdsfgbvgnmlkmjiugyfgvtf;l.ku,yjmngtbfdv scwvqc12345dewworeis7kjdy,uxjgcx,.figdkt7ejr4w,7ej,.drsuf6itdr5sltriekejye3hjym7r,dufmcvj cnvbfhtrs6tds6xftc,gkmfdmnyfhf b

Then there was the ancient mystical convent, the time wasting clock scene, Marge spoon feeding Homer's hand, the endless exposition and Bart's saxophone solo:

servgsdgfhkj,klk;jljk.ngcvbx cxvdcfewt4r546u57uityhgbv cxvsgdrt567ui6i8790-090opuioyhgbxcv zcsadwqer34t5y6u7jik89luii8kughgvn xzcdaewsreth6yjt7ku8yli9uiykugmnhf gbdsvewrg5ht6jynrbg df

Finally, we come to the clock tower scene, the giant sign scene, the helicopter ride and the rainbows that shot out of Maggie's head for some reason:

xz csdafgvgrd5tesgsgniaovsl dzxm xdisnf4ujwrmklfdskj;lj;4woprekldfwlrjx ckldmmxcsdkljcx uzdedioxdsaljewfndsmx,m.zcmknlsdfwejiouqq87q38owi9poe;lkdsjfazxmvc zzc,nkdsjfoew94q8ohu3qrihefiovnds kjnh089gvyq3bworeg4h0w90 gnv wgnvnv 75q3 948

Ahhh, that was cathartic. Could anyone else make anything out of that? Or have we crossed a line into something so totally disconnected from reality and thought that it's simply beyond our ability to digest?

Quote of the Day

2009-03-15T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Beware the Ides of March." – Lisa Simpson

"No." – Homer Simpson

Saturday Morning Cartoons

2009-03-14T10:09:00.005-04:00

"It's good! It's good! It's goooood! . . . It's good to see you all in church." - Homer Simpson

Another one of the thousands of reasons that The Simpsons works better than any other show? Homer, suffering in a church pew like so many Americans, has Lovejoy's sermon sync up with the football announcer. It's too long ago to be sure, but I think I peed myself - just a little - the first time I ever saw this scene.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

"So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?" – Lionel Hutz

"No. In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1." – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Friday Link Dump - Math and Science Edition

2009-03-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

"Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?" - Homer Simpson

"Well, it's a country in Europe." - Lisa Simpson

"Good good, I'm learning." - Homer Simpson

I found two different Periodic Tables on-line this week that use Homer Simpson to represent Element 108, Hassium. It doesn't exist in nature, has a half life of 0.002 seconds and was discovered/created in 1984 by some Germans.

Cartoon Character Periodic Table - Cobra Commander as Cobalt is good, but having The Tick as Titanium is better. Also, Flanders is Neodymium; unlike Homer he's stable and exists outside of a laboratory. (Via Digg)

Video Game Character Periodic Table - There are some cartoon characters sprinkled around this one on the grounds that Homer and Iron Man have been in video games even if they were originally created elsewhere. My personal favorite here is John Madden, the father of video game football, as Mendelevium which was named after Dimtri Mendeleev the father of the periodic table. Little known fact, Mendeleev went to grade school with Brett Favre and loves Turducken. (Via Kombo)

Sexy maths: A number-munching celebration - Don't forget, tomorrow is Pi Day! On Pi Day for every circle that has its area calculated an angel gets its wings . . . or was it circumference? I forget which. On a related note, I'm glad I've never seen the piece of shit episode that makes this link a Simpsons reference, though this is entertaining:

If we had evolved with a different anatomy, say with eight fingers like Homer Simpson, pi would still be the same expression of the unchanging ratio between the circumference and diameter of a circle but using powers of eight rather than powers of ten as our natural base would mean pi began 3.110375...

I miss my base-6 math textbook.

Old flag's just fine - It seems that there's a debate in Manitoba about changing the provincial flag. Our author, the awesomely named Ace Burpee, is against it:

I read one quote online that supporters of a new flag would "like it to be easier for kids to draw". Then change the Canadian flag as well because every drawing of a maple leaf by a child looks like a hybrid between Lisa Simpson's hair and a marijuana leaf.

Because marijuana leaves are so much easier to draw than maple leaves.

Teaching humanities in a culture of business - A couple of sisters in Buffalo are taking the 'dolt' out of A-dolt education by teaching Shakespeare and other humanities to people who didn't learn them in school. One of the sisters, Deepa Govindaraj, endears herself to us by saying, "I think 'The Simpsons' is high culture."

Italy Upsets Canada at World Baseball Classic - The New York Times laughs at the World Baseball Classic's loose eligibility rules and likens them to Mr. Burns bringing in professional baseballers.

Lions even get dissed in animation - The Detroit Free-Press takes a little umbrage at Zombie Simpsons' portrayal last week of evil Flanders as a Lions fan. Speaking as a Lions fan I'd agree, but speaking as a Simpsons fan I know it's far too much to ask Zombie Simpsons to put thought into things. "Detroit Lions GM" would've been funnier and more apt that "Detroit Lions Fan".

TV star dubs cllr "Homer Simpson of Culture" - I know these words but this story makes no sense.

TV Recap: 24 - Episode 13 8:00-9:00 PM - Jebus I'm glad I don't watch 24. If a critic can compare the actions of your fictional president to Herb Powell it might be time to watch a different program.

Craft Village UK revamps Simpsons gift range - "Sounded large when I ordered it. Ahh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps."

A little housekeeping - Wow, NPR is really vacuous and stupid. This podcast does reference The Simpsons at about the 11 minute mark, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Bedford police seize drugs that look like kids' vitamins - This is very simple and I'm only going to say it once, DO NOT PUT ILLEGAL DRUGS UNDER YOUR SEAT. Put them in the glove box or the trunk and if the officer asks to open it you say "No". I know this, you know this, Jay-Z knows this. Also, I find it amusing that while the Bart Simpson and Superman ecstasy pills are right side up, the cops have the Autobot symbol upside down.

Bart or a Flanders kid -- who would you rather raise? - SF Chronicle baby blog, we've praised you before, but this is dumb even by internet standards.

'Simpsons' in stone Hollywood on hold - So you want to make a statue of the family sitting on the couch? Fine. I don't think that makes this true:

the statue would replicate the five-member family sitting on a couch watching TV, a scene in the 2007 "The Simpsons Movie."

You know, they've been sitting on that couch for a long time; it isn't exactly from the movie.

Detectives identify injured woman - A missing woman is identified by her Marge Simpson key chain.

Reagan Library Honored for Exhibit - Nothing is more prestigious than an award from the Themed Entertainment Association. It's so prestigious that the Simpsons ride and the Beijing Olympics also won something. Enh, it's still better than a Grammy.

Celebrity sighting: Cy Young Winner CC Sabathia meets Homer Simpson at Universal Orlando Resort - Morbidly obese, past his prime pitcher, recently signed to a bloated contract that he'll never live up to, meets morbidly obese, past his prime cartoon character, recently signed to a bloated contract that he'll never live up to.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-13T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels." – Sunday School Teacher

Quote of the Day

2009-03-12T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows! We want to get the old people smell out before we move in." – Homer Simpson

A Simpsons Guest Star Quiz

2009-03-11T21:32:00.003-04:00

Bored? Take this quiz. I got 100%; the average score was 58%. Suck it, Internet.

And, bonus, most of the guest stars featured in the quiz weren't shitty ones. I said most, not all.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up, Ireland

2009-03-11T18:13:00.000-04:00

"The Simpson story begins back in the old country, I forget which one exactly." - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

The next next new episode of Zombie Simpsons is going to premier in Ireland and the UK on St. Patrick's Day. (It won't be on here in the New World until next Sunday the 22nd.) Basically, Grandpa decides that he's from Ireland and they go there and get drunk and buy a pub and probably some other random, disconnected stuff as well. But the Irish have apparently not gotten the message that Zombie Simpsons sucks balls. Like, really not gotten the message:

In the Name of the Grandfather is expected to give Irish tourism a major boost as it features some of the country's biggest tourist attractions.

I know times are tough, but pinning your hopes to Zombie Simpsons is like taking the Barney guarding job. We've all entertained the thought, but there has to be something else you can do.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-11T08:00:00.001-04:00

"The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede. One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victories at Granicus and Issus." – Howard Cosell

"No Loan Again, Naturally" predictably awful

2009-03-10T19:13:00.010-04:00

It goes without saying that we here at the Dead Homer Society hated "No Loan Again, Naturally." From the number of times Homer was seriously injured (4, including the opening sequence and couch gag), to Bart randomly being outed as a redhead, to the piss poor way Patty and Selma were drawn, there was very little to love. Even more charming moments, like the note Homer leaves upstairs, felt cursory in the broader context of the ham-handed plot. You mean Homer takes advantage of Flanders' generosity -- again? Get out.

Honestly, getting a lecture from Zombie Simpsons about the consequences of the housing bubble is akin to a bum telling you to go buy a Ferrari. The first expected response is "huh?" followed by "who are you to offer me advice?" Gawker agrees, noting that

This particular episode just seemed tacky, cruel, and, most importantly, not funny. The millionaires who make the show haw-hawing at distressed people who suddenly find themselves homeless? Yikes.

The last scene of the episode does give us a perfect analogy for how far the show has fallen though. After 22 minutes of stretched characterizations (when, and more importantly why, did Gil and the Cat Lady turn into something more than background curiosities?) and humorless jokes, everything reverts to normal as Flanders announces to Evergreen Terrace that "The Simpsons are back!" Several neighbors, exasperated, promptly put up for sale signs. Hell, if it were that easy to quit the show, this blog wouldn't exist.

Also, Homer stole copper wire before in "Separate Vocations," sans electrocution, to greater effect. That is all.

Five O'Clock Vulva

2009-03-10T14:55:00.000-04:00

Dave found this a couple of weeks ago and while we're not entirely sure of Blogger's formal policy on links to websites with pictures of vaginas painted to look like Homer Simpson, it cannot be ignored. Fleshbot, do the NSFW honors:

Finally, Some Simpsons Merchandise Worth Paying For

We've seen girls who are totally shaved, totally natural, and somewhere in between. But we've never seen a girl with labia that looked like Homer Simpson... until today, that is.

Thank you, internet porn, thank you.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-10T08:00:00.000-04:00

"Question sixty. I prefer the smell of a) gasoline, b) French fries, or c) bank customers." – Ms. Hoover

And the Hits Keep on Coming

2009-03-09T11:18:00.005-04:00

Last night's Flanders love-in was a near perfect microcosm of Zombie Simpsons crapitude: the Simpsons do something zany, Homer doesn't worry about it because he knows everything is going to be okay, everything turns out to be okay for some reason, the end. Like much of Zombie Simpsons, there were a few chuckle worthy gags almost totally subsumed by the hurricane force torrents of "What the fuck?".

TV by the Numbers will have the ratings up in a few hours, in the meantime I'm setting the over/under at 7.1 million people. There was no NASCAR preemption this week and it was the first time since November that new episodes have premiered on consecutive Sundays.

Also, I have no idea why our main page here was blank for portions of yesterday, but it seems to be working now.

Update: Wow, 5.99 million, the under wins by a mile and my handicapping skills have been dealt another blow. Zombie Simpsons got beat by the oxymoronically titled "Saturday Night Live Clips" on NBC. The demographic numbers aren't as grim, especially among 18-34 year olds, but that's still a very sad number, the second worst of all time. (The Josh Groban Power Hour holds that distinction.) Still, it's always nice to get good news on a Monday.

If You Stop Praising It, Maybe They'll Let It Die

2009-03-09T10:27:00.007-04:00

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers!" - Kent Brockman

I still have not watched last night's Zombie Simpsons episode, but I did spend the first 2 hours of my workday reading reviews on various fan sites. If I were 8 years old, obscenely gullible, or a high school student from a Detroit public school, I would run home right now to watch it as it was apparently good.

No, not just good:

"I claim this as a New Classic!" - Gatorgod (nohomers.net)
Super, lemme get AMC on the phone.

"finaly they are making weekly eppisodes again. hopefully their ratings will soon improve." - nick-tick-97 (simpsonschannel.com)

My money says your typing does first.

"aw, what the heck. 5/5." - thardin (nohomers.net)
That's the spirit!

"I liked it better than the previous one?" - Godfrey (nohomers.net)
Wait, are they holding a gun to your head while you read from that card?!?

"one of the funniest shows evert to exist! i cant belive that its been around for over 30 years! !" - animemaster0x70 (tv.com)
For some reason I cant either...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to watch this episode tonight, or ever for that matter. The more I read about it the more I feel I don't need to watch it; the painful Homer injury scenes, Lenny and Carl gay jokes, Ned acting as more than a doormat plotlines, Marge commenting on some stupid thing and then holding it in her hand scenes, and Maggie doing more than being a baby situations are materializing in my head already.

I also read that there is a Homer commiting suicide scene. I guess they are out of things with which to burn, hit, electrocute, stab, flatten, smash, shoot, run over, or chew on him. It was bound to happen.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

"Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful." – Mr. Smithers

Quote of the Day

2009-03-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

"I didn't think it would burn so fast." – Marge's Friend

"I guess it's the tissue paper inside." – Marge Bouvier

Saturday Morning Cartoons

2009-03-07T10:17:00.003-05:00

"You know, when that Simpson boy showed up it took years off my life." - Mr. Bouvier

"Will you stop it, she went out with the good one." - Mrs. Bouvier

The image above is among the many tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of reasons that The Simpsons flat out works in a way that no other television show, and certainly not Zombie Simpsons, works. It's not that other shows have never used snapshot photos to advance the plot, it's the fact that Simpsons is so dense with jokes and ideas that rather than spending even a moment on the painful and distracting image of Marge rejecting Homer, they use this to move on as quickly as possible.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-07T07:58:00.000-05:00

"Eight fifty-eight, first time I've ever been early for work, except for all those Daylight Savings days . . . lousy farmers." – Homer Simpson

Friday Link Dump

2009-03-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

"Look boy, either Michael Jackson is some guy working in a recording studio in L.A., or he's here with you willing to work on this song." - Leon Kompowski

Will posting links to random things that mention The Simpsons become a Friday tradition? Do you care? I sure don't.

Michael Jackson in 1992: 'I think I had a crush on him' - Looking back on it, Michael Jackson's association with Bart Simpson is one of those pop culture coincidences that just makes the mind reel. Watch the 'Do the Bartman' video, especially the pelvic thrusting, and tell me it isn't weirder than the Super Bowl XXVII halftime show. (Also, there are more and better visual gags in that video than in all of Season 20 so far.)

The world's funniest orgasm - Sex advice columns are proof that our culture is capable of working at hilarious cross purposes. This has almost nothing to do with The Simpsons, but invoking an animated, ten-year-old child to describe an orgasm laugh is too good to pass up.

It's hard work being an ant - I have no idea what this is about (there are several others if you click on the author link), whether or not the survey being referenced is real, or what the other choices besides "Homer Simpson" were. Let's move on.

Grand Funk Railroad - Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974, it's a scientific fact. I would also submit this as further proof of why Homer and Marge are out of place in 2009.

Laura Yeager: "Tips for the Bipolar Marriage" - I suppose someone with diagnosed bipolar disorder gets a pass on glaringly poor usage like this:

Hold a weekly family meeting to discuss your issues. Ours were called the “Eat My Shorts” sessions, in homage to Homer Simpson.

That done, there is an entire magazine dedicated to bipolar people and the website is www.bphope.com? That's a terrible business model; if you show people how to live comfortably with their disorder then they won't need your magazine.

10th-Grader's Site nocussing.com Inspires No Cussing Week in L.A. - Hey, kid: fuck you. Also, "the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclomation [sic] that the first week of March will be "No Cussing Weak."" You know what, they're right, cussing is week.

Profile: Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land is in the driver's seat - If I hadn't had such positive recent experience with the Michigan DMV, and I'm serious about that, I'd be pissed about this photo:

Press File PhotoTerri Lynn Land wearing a Marge Simpson wig at this year's Coffee Dunker's breakfast.

Doin it and doin it and doin it in public - People worry that the internet is going to destroy libraries as we know them, but can you fuck inside the internet? I think not. Nit pick time:

Even Homer and Marge Simpson rekindle their sex life by doing the deed at a miniature golf course.

They were interrupted when they were trying to rekindle their sex life; it was when they were young and unmarried (like most of the kids in the article) that they actually joined the castle club.

Marge's Lesbian Fantasies. - I really don't think (and most of the commenters agree) that this was a pro-feminist image. The whole episode sucked anyway.

411 Fact or Fiction Movies/TV 03.06.09 - #6 = Teh Stupid. Fucking Zombie Simpsons.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Ever since you started therapy all you can do is talk about yourself. But what about me, Marge?" – Homer Simpson

"I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet." – Marge Simpson

"You see? You see? *I* just left *my* first session, and *I* haven't opened *my* mouth yet." - Homer Simpson

Forfty

2009-03-05T13:41:00.001-05:00

XKCD #386

Quoting and referencing The Simpsons - a lot - is part and parcel of being a Simpsons fan. Since I'm an asshole, I love excellent or appropriate usage and loathe poor or inappropriate usage. (Though I'll admit that I'm frequently guilty of the latter.) Today during my daily perusing of the internet I came across this from The United Church Observer:

Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.”

This is a citation that frequently gets screwed up. Can you spot the error? Let's try another example; this one is from a source which could not be more different than a 180 year old Canadian Jebus magazine, a comment thread up at the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Otto Man Says:
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Listen, Stu, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

See the difference now? "Forty percent" "14%" Those are both common ways for that quote to be used and both are incorrect. The actual quote, and SNPP will back me up on this, is:

"Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that."

Forfty. Homer makes up a number. It is neither fourteen nor forty, it is "forfty". Selah.

(Note: KSK is a site wonderfully heavy with Simpsons references and Otto Man is one of their all-star commenters, so I offer the above in only the friendliest of ways. I am not a regular reader of The United Church Observer so I can't speak to their history with Simpsons quotes.)

Quote of the Day

2009-03-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

"We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman." – Rev. Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

2009-03-04T08:00:00.002-05:00

"Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was." – C.M. Burns

Mmmmm, That's Good Synergy

2009-03-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

"You looken sharpen todayen mein Herr." - Mr. Smithers

There isn't much point in posting a review of a television show that's already been broadcast, but that didn't stop the good people over at IGN from sucking up to their superiors. Their disturbingly obsequious review was written by one Robert Canning. To give you an idea of where he's coming from, the only post on his "blog" at IGN is an about statement that has the following two sentences right next to each other:

The Simpsons should never die. (Well, not never, but not for a while)
I'm strangely attracted to Bonnie Hunt.

I don't think I can add anything to that, but I can rework his review into something with a modicum of dignity and honesty. Enjoy.

March 2, 2009 - Some of the best episodes of The Simpsons are focused on events at Springfield Elementary, and "How The Test Was Won" is no a massive, glaring exception. This was a ~~smart~~ dimwitted, ~~very funny~~ tedious half hour that proved you can't write off this television stalwart simply because it's been on the air for 20 years.

In a ~~delightful~~ nod to some other ~~great,~~ historic television programs, this episode's couch bit traveled through time showing the Simpson clan in some very famous roles while killing a lot of time. It started with The Honeymooners and stopped at The Dick Van Dyke Show (Homer tripped over the ottoman), The Brady Bunch (Lisa got hit in the nose), and at a bar called Cheers. In ~~a very smart and funny~~ an utterly predictable bit that's been done before, Sideshow Bob walked into the bar. Bob, of course, is voiced by Kelsey Grammer, who sat on those famous bar stools as Dr. Fraser Crane.

But a ~~great~~ time waster couch bit doesn't always mean a ~~great~~ time waster episode. T~~hankfully, t~~his week's outing lived up to the opening, and was equally boring. Springfield Elementary announced to the student body that they would be participating in the Vice-Presidential Assessment Test. (Nelson: "He stinks!") Since this test determines the amount of federal funding the school would receive, Superintendent Chalmers concocted a scheme to get rid of the school's underperformers. ~~At first~~, I ~~thought~~ noticed this plot ~~seemed too similar~~ is identical to what happened in "Whacking Day," when Principal Skinner locked the bullies and Bart in the utility basement to have them out of the way during one of Chalmer's inspections. ~~But~~ "How The Test Was Won" took the idea in a different direction and ~~nothing felt retread or repurposed~~, made me wish I was watching "Whacking Day" instead. Here, Chalmers got the school bullies, Ralph and Bart on Otto's bus (disguised as a helicopter, ~~no less~~ for some reason) and then tricked Principal Skinner into getting on board as well, for some other reason.

The rest of the episode followed the ~~adventure of~~ random, pointless events that happen to Skinner and the "superstars" as they were being shipped off to Capital City for the day for yet another unknown reason. This was classic Zombie Simpsons. Some of the most memorable episodes of the series have involved Skinner mismatched with some students in ~~extraordinary~~ genuinely humorous situations (~~"Skinner's Sense of Snow"~~ "Team Homer", "Separate Vocations" and "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" to name ~~two~~ three.) ~~Laughs~~ Paroxysms of boredom came from all directions, including Bart's taunting, Skinner's horror at realizing their location ("My God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard!") and even from Otto's ever-present buzz. But the ~~biggest laugh~~ cheapest, most contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke came when Ralph needed to stop for a bathroom break. While at the urinal, Ralph sang a long, repetitive portion of The Spice Girls' "Wannabe." Then, when Skinner told him to hurry up and finish, Ralph stated, "I finished before we came in." I'm throwing this scene in as a contender for a top ten ~~Ralph Wiggum moment~~ list of reasons from this episode alone that Zombie Simpsons should've gone off the air ten years ago.

The rest of the episode was equally ~~entertaining~~ bland. Back at the testing, Lisa was drawing a blank. Chalmers had ~~a great line here~~ another contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke when he approached the troubled girl: "Like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere. But like T.J. Hooker, I say what's on my mind." While the test taking was actually a small part of the episode, the anxiety of Chalmers, Lisa and the rest of the kids offered up a good ~~number of chuckles~~ opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Homer's incoherent slapstick storyline was also very ~~funny~~ boring. In ~~what could have just been~~ the usual style of weak filler, having Homer uninsured until 3:00 p.m. was a ~~smart~~ choice that ~~and~~ loaded the episode with some ~~great visuals~~ time killing garbage. Early on, we were given a montage of Homer getting hurt. Again, this is something the series has done before and it ~~worried me that the episode might just be~~ proved again that it's just repeating itself. But when Homer ended the overlong montage with, "What a week," you could tell this was ~~actually going somewhere~~ sadly, the best they can do. The ~~story~~ thing ended at Marge's book club, where Homer did a ~~hilarious~~, slow-motion job of keeping everyone safe. Well, except for Mr. Burns. It's a sequence you have to see to truly ~~enjoy~~ comprehend the vapidity.

The very ending ~~didn't quite~~ lived up to what preceded it, ~~but at least it tied a few things together~~. Skinner realized there was more to teaching than testing and ~~he called off the federal exam~~ exposited ad nauseam about it. This ~~freed Lisa from failing the test~~ brought a merciful end to another subplot no one cared about. ~~Tidy~~ Ham fisted, ~~but~~ and not very funny. And I could have done without the Footloose-referencing extended dance scene with Chalmers. But those are minor issues in an episode that had ~~me laughing from the beginning to (almost) the end~~ many major ones.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Call me old fashioned, but movies were sexier when the actors kept their clothes on. Vilma Banky could do more for me with one raised eyebrow than an entire-" – C.M. Burns

"Warning. Problem in Sector 7-G." – Computer

"7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?" – C.M. Burns

"Homer Simpson, sir." – Mr. Smithers

"Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent?" – C.M. Burns

"Actually sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap." – Mr. Smithers

"Thank you President Ford." – C.M. Burns

NASCAR Cannot Save You

2009-03-02T13:54:00.000-05:00

TV by the Numbers has yesterday's ratings up and when I set the over/under at 6.5 million people I was almost dead on. NASCAR ran long, so Zombie Simpsons couldn't crawl out of the dirt until after eight thirty. At that time "Post Race/Simpsons" drew 6.713 million people, at 9:00 "Simpsons/King of the Hill" declined to 6.316. That averages out to just over 6.5 million, but either number is hearteningly low, especially considering that NASCAR is a strong lead in, with 12.5 million people watching at 8:00pm. Zombie Simpsons hasn't cracked 7 million people since November and the ratings are down about a million people from where they were at a similar time last year. Excellent.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes, Maude - God bless her - she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers." – Ned Flanders

"Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house." – Homer Simpson

Isn't There An Award Show I Could Be Watching?

2009-03-01T19:33:00.009-05:00

"TV sucks." - Bart Simpson

"How The Test Was Won" will be airing in about a half-hour, and instead of doing my duty and watching it so I may rip on it, I am seriously considering watching the Cops marathon on Tru TV. The Comcast (ugh) promo clearly states that Bart is going to be swept under the rug again, and Homer will have to avoid getting hurt because his insurance has lapsed. Homer hasn't been safe from a weekly life-threatening injury in 11 years, so my guess is that he's screwed. But don't take my word for it, watch any episode of Zombie Simpsons and you will see that even with a p value of 7 sigmas, it is statistically impossible for Homer not to get hurt tonight. Just thinking about this episode has made me anxious enough to go take a Xanax. So if you will excuse me please.

Quote of the Day

2009-03-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

"God, he eats like a pig." – Frank Grimes

"I don't know, pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck." – Lenny

Quote of the Day

2009-02-28T08:00:00.002-05:00

"We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?" – Homer Simpson

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch." – Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

Upon Further Reflection, This Still Sucks

2009-02-27T22:26:00.001-05:00

"Noooooooooo!" - Principal Skinner

I was expecting Zombie Simpsons to get picked up for another season; epguides.com already has episodes listed for next fall and since each craptacular one supposedly takes a whole year to produce it stood to reason that Season 21 was a forgone conclusion. But the news yesterday that they were being picked up for two more seasons was like a second, unexpected, football in the groin. According to some of those links this will push them to 493 episodes. 493! Of which less than a third are actually up to snuff.

Admittedly, I am no expert on the television industry, but the ratings have been historically low for a couple of years now, and the heavily promoted HD episode didn't do much to change that. Granted, network viewership itself is trending downwards and has been for some time, but in all my years basking in television's warm glowing warming glow I cannot think of a single other show that managed to linger the way Zombie Simpsons has. Any other show that slumped this badly and this publicly would've gotten canned after a year or two. I suppose I could look on it as a testament to the enduring quality of the original seasons, but the comfort went out of that little fib long ago.

The senseless renewal is particularly grating coming the same week that Futurama went out on a high note. On Tuesday I was entertaining fantasies that they'd follow the same path. Wrap it up with Season 21 then maybe do another movie or two to finish things. For all its flaws, especially the last forty minutes or so, The Simpsons Movie was better than most of Zombie Simpsons, and a sequel or two would have to be more profitable than another season of five million dollar episodes that only six million people watch.

Oh well. Zombie Simpsons has been on for far longer than The Simpsons ever was, what's another season or two?

Quote of the Day

2009-02-27T08:00:00.001-05:00

"No, Ben! No!" – Bear Wrangler

Filling the Jar

2009-02-26T16:54:00.001-05:00

"Oh, fudge, that's broken. Fiddle-dee-dee, that will require a tetanus shot." - Homer Simpson

Fuck.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

"It's okay, there's no sugar in Pixy Stix. Trust me." – Bart Simpson

The Kids Are Alright

2009-02-25T20:31:00.001-05:00

"Bart, I don't know if this sould be an Extra." - Rod Flanders

"Is your source on this reliable?" - Todd Flanders

This is the first thing it says on Emory University's "About" page:

Emory University is an inquiry-driven, ethically engaged and diverse community whose members work collaboratively for positive transformation in the world through courageous leadership in teaching, research, scholarship, health care and social action.

That is a mouthful of a sentence, nevertheless I think they have some very fine young people there. In a paean to Conan O'Brien in the Emory Wheel, senior Daniel Berger writes:

Though it was my favorite show as a kid, by the time I turned 12 or 13 I discovered that the “Simpsons” were best viewed in reruns. The “Simpsons” has declined so much since then that it has unwittingly justified the decision of every other show that decided to go out on a high note.

Okay, let's do the math. Seniors are typically 21 or 22 years old - 12 or 13 years old = 8-10 years ago = the dawn of Zombie Simpsons. He's hit the nail right on the head. Here's hoping he becomes a Fox executive in the next ten years or so, then we might finally get Zombie Simpsons taken off the air.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

"See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium!" – TV Announcer

Going Out In Style

2009-02-24T17:57:00.000-05:00

"They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son; I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it." - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

Futurama, the longer surviving of the two Simpsons spin-offs, ends today, more or less on its own terms. It was cancelled back in 2003 but strong reruns on cable got it brought back for 4 direct to DVD movies (each of which is comprised of four episodes condensed together), the final one of which, Into the Wild Green Yonder, came out today.

Whatever one thinks of the show (I happen to be a fan, but that's just me), it, unlike Zombie Simpsons, has an ending. Into the Wild Green Yonder has a "series finale" feel to it, ties things up at the end, and is a pretty decent way to send off a beloved television show. Pointless debates will never rage back and forth about when the show went to hell, or if its even still funny. It was on; it was loved; it will be missed; and it will live forever in reruns and home video.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

"You're the coolest adult I ever met." – Bart Simpson

"Wow, I've never been called an adult before; I've been tried as one but . . ." - Otto

Simpsons Evolutionary Theroy Part 1: From Homer to Punching Bag

2009-02-23T11:00:00.002-05:00

"Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks." - C. Montgomery Burns

I think it is fair to say that the principles behind natural selection and evolution can be applied to televisions shows. The Simpsons was once a great show, and then it wasn't so good, and then bad, and now even worse. With each episode representing an intermediate in the evolutionary chain that is The Simpsons, we can compare episode traits from different parts of the lineage to hopefully figure out what the hell went wrong, and maybe try to reason why this series won't die. Today I will focus on the needless physical comedy that has made its way into Homer's life.

I think I can do this with only three examples. In these examples we will see a distinct change; the occasional physical harm Homer suffers will go from an afterthought to the main source of Simpsons jokes. My first example comes from season 4, "Brother From The Same Planet ". In the end of this episode Homer gets into a fist fight with Tom, Bart's 'Bigger Brother'. The fight ends when Homer is knocked out and falls backwards over a fire hydrant. It lasts all of a few seconds, it is only punctuated with one witty remark, and then it is over. This is an appropriate use of physical comedy.

The second example comes from season 8, "Homer's Phobia". At the end of this episode Homer and Bart are trapped in a reindeer farm. As the reindeer get ready to trample them, Homer holds Bart up over his head, as to save his son from certain doom. The Reindeer pummel Homer for a little while before the rest of the crew saves the pair. In this example, you can see that the physical pain lasts a little longer and is accompanied by an extra line or two ("Homer you feel softer than before" "I've been tenderized") as opposed to just a single phrase from Homer. The scene was still relevant, but you wouldn't have seen it a few seasons before.

Finally we can look at modern day, or as we say, Zombie Simpsons. There are way too many examples from which to choose, so to make this example as accessible as possible I will use a scene from The Simpsons Movie. This particular scene was even in the trailer (a statement unto itself?). I am, of course, speaking of the thirty seconds or so that Homer spent on the wrecking ball. Here we see a physical scene that was completely unnecessary, wayyy too long, and more than physically impossible. On top of that, they should have shelled out the extra few bucks to make the building a Hard Rock Cafe as opposed to just something named A Hard Place, but I digress.

This evolutionary end-product could have been from a number of crappy episodes of late, and that makes me wonder what is keeping this premise in the show? It is clearly detracting from the entertainment value, but it just won't go away. One theory I have is people feel that since its The Simpsons, and it's in its 20th season, we just have to accept that the physical comedy is here. But a more likely theory it is that the fan base that has been added during the last ten years or so doesn't know that there was a before time, a long-long ago, where this wasn't the case. Homer's evolution into slapstick wouldn't have been noticed by those watching religiously now, and therefore is a trait that would not have been de-selected, which leaves us with what we have today.

One last point: I know you are all thinking "What about 'Bart the Daredevil'! Homer fell down the cliff twice!" And you are right to do so. This episode would appear to be a wrench in my explanation, but consider this: That episode was based on physical comedy in general, not just Homer getting needlessly beaten. A Zombie Simpsons episode with the same basic plot line would not have had Captain Lance Murdock or Bart get hurt, but would have had their actions injure Homer in some way. I guarantee it.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson. It's important I get a hold of him; I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him." – Homer Simpson

"We get that a lot." – Springfield Retirement Castle Receptionist

Let The Jokes Stand On Their Own

2009-02-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

"Oh, that just kept goin', hunh?" - Krusty the Klown

When The Simpsons started going downhill, one of the most noticeable changes was the way jokes would be stretched. Instead of moving on from a funny line or exchange, the show would milk it for screen time. The examples of this over the years are far too numerous to catalog, but here's one anyway.

In that wet noodle "Take My Life, Please", after the aged Dondelinger tells Homer the truth, he says "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't." That is a good joke. It's cruel and funny and filled with irreconcilable regret. But because Zombie Simpsons is no better than ordinary television it goes on from there and explains the joke by having Dondelinger (get ready for it) spew pointless exposition. Dondelinger sitting and sighing sadly might've worked, instead they elected to cram the joke down your throat and get ten seconds closer to the credits.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Who rigs every Oscar night? We do! We do!" – Stonecutter Song

Quote of the Day

2009-02-21T08:00:00.002-05:00

"I'm an antiquarian, damn it!" – Hollis Hurlbut

This Is Not a Personal Attack

2009-02-20T14:52:00.001-05:00

"That was the worst movie I've ever seen." - Principal Skinner

I do not know anything about Don Payne, who is credited, if that is the right word, as the main writer of last week's flash-back, conspiracy theory, magic tomato sauce mess. He might be a great guy; he might be an asshole. I don't have an opinion either way, nor do I care. I do know that on his IMDb page he is credited, if that is the right word, with having written My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Fantastic Four 2. I've never seen the former, though I've heard bad things, but the Silver Surfer movie was unwatchable. Mad Jon and I got through it with a very big assist from Rifftrax, but even with Nelson, Murphy and Corbett we came close to just turning it off several times. It is that bad. Embedding was disabled on YouTube, so if you want to torture yourself, go here and click "Watch Sample" to see some of what you're not missing.

Then I found this "local boy makes good" article in the Wilmington Star-News. Setting aside the "Wildcats" thing, there is this troubling passage from the end:

Though film remains his passion, he loves being a part of the “Simpsons” universe. Besides, it can’t last that much longer, right?
“Right now I’m thinking, eh, two more years,” Payne said. “But who knows?”

First of all, film is his passion . . . and he wrote those movies? More importantly, two more years? What an unpleasant thought.

To be fair, his Wikipedia page (citing an earlier interview with the Star-News), has his favorite episodes listed as "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge", "Lisa's Substitute", "Like Father, Like Clown", "Marge vs. the Monorail", "The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase", and "Behind the Laughter". That's a pretty solid list, but it doesn't make "Take My Life, Please" any less crappy nor abrogate responsibility for the dialogue in Fantastic Four 2.

C'mon Nielsen households, sweeps is in March this year. I'm not asking you to do anything radical like turn off your television; I'm just saying, you can probably find something better on at 8:00pm on Sundays.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-20T08:00:00.001-05:00

"Barney's movie had heart, but 'Football in the Groin' had a football in the groin." – Homer Simpson's Brain

Some Brit thinks he's like Homer Simpson

2009-02-19T09:00:00.001-05:00

In a recent case of life imitating Zombie Simpsons, 26-year old Englishman Ricky Hodgkinson was tried in court after shocking himself with a taser he purchased for £100. John Walker, Hodgkinson’s lawyer, likened his client to Homer Simpson before a panel of magistrates. Hodgkinson agreed, remarking “I am a bit like Homer Simpson, it was a stupid thing to do really.”

While I’m amused at the absurdity of the situation, I also take issue with the implication that Homer has always been, well, a complete idiot. Classic Homer was certainly prone to acts of questionable intelligence, but he would never intentionally inflict cartoonish acts of violence upon himself. These sorts of shenanigans and cheap gags are almost exclusively the domain of Zombie Homer, the creation of writers who are more interested in one-dimensional filler instead of something truly clever and worthy of the show. That the past twelve seasons of Zombie Simpsons are now representative of The Simpsons proper to general public is a sad development.

Getting rid of Zombie Simpsons isn’t a selfish act that only true Simpsons fans can appreciate; indeed, society will be a better place for losing this nonsense. In the meantime, we have this to learn from Hodgkinson’s shining example: don’t do what Zombie Simpsons does.

(via The Telegraph)

Quote of the Day

2009-02-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

"We need some more secret sauce, put this mayonnaise in the sun." – Old Man Peterson, Krusty Burger Manager

Zombie Simpsons: Countering the Orange Revolution

2009-02-18T17:01:00.001-05:00

"So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team: Worker and Parasite!" - Krusty the Klown

Here is another way in which Zombie Simpsons is damaging our world. The "Ukrainian State Commission of Morals" (motto: Drinking Vodka and Pissing off Russia since 2004!) has declared that The Simpsons violates moral principals and shouldn't be shown in the Ukrainian equivalent of primetime:

Vasyl Kostytskiy, head of the Commission of Morals, explained that members were analyzing “The Simpsons” at the request of two governmental bodies (the prosecutor’s office and National Television and Radio Broadcasting Council). Their task was to check the show’s compliance with the nation’s morals law.

“Our conclusion regarding ‘The Simpsons’ said that there was no violation of law on the protection of morals, but our expert believes that the time frame should be taken into account when demonstrating.” Kostytskiy said, pointing out that 400 episodes of the cartoon “were under investigation in many countries.”

Showing Simpsons to Ukrainian children is, obviously, a good idea. They'll learn how to properly mock authority, not take things too seriously, and generally see the humor in life. But what about Zombie Simpsons? Let's face it, Zombie Simpsons isn't going to teach anyone anything other than that mediocrity is acceptable and you can slouch through life so long as your paymasters get theirs. That kind of message only encourages thoughtless authoritarianism.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

"The following is a public service announcement. Excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum." – TV Announcer

"Mmmm, beer." – Homer Simpson

Still Shitty

2009-02-17T15:21:00.002-05:00

"Are we hot?" - Homer Simpson

"We are not." - Principal Skinner

I was a little worried that the HD thing (and the attendant promotion) might give Zombie Simpsons a nice ratings number. My fears were unfounded:

While Take My Wife [sic], Please did not break new lows, it received a total of 6.82 million viewers. It is the third least watched episode of the season but the best ratings since November, which is an improvement at least.

Being the best since November isn't much of an accomplishment since there have only been two episodes in that time and as recently as two years ago this show was routinely pulling two million more viewers.

This was only the tenth episode of the season so if they're going to get to twenty there ought to be a lot of new ones coming relatively soon. They aren't bothering to compete with the Oscars next Sunday, but there's already one scheduled for March 1st. Starting from March 1st there are thirteen Sundays until Memorial Day Weekend. If they're going to get to twenty that means that there's a maximum of three Sundays unpolluted by Zombie Simpsons between now and then.

Brace yourselves and hope for low ratings.

Quote of the Day

2009-02-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

"Forget it pal, they don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb ass army guy." – Homer Simpson

Worth 1,000 Words

2009-02-16T12:53:00.001-05:00

In the original opening Homer flees his wife's car and belts out his iconic scream. In the new opening he gets hit by the car and crashes through the wall, Looney Tunes style. No further comment required.