Quote of the Day

"Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels." – Sunday School Teacher

Quote of the Day

"Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows!  We want to get the old people smell out before we move in." – Homer Simpson

A Simpsons Guest Star Quiz

Bored? Take this quiz. I got 100%; the average score was 58%. Suck it, Internet.

And, bonus, most of the guest stars featured in the quiz weren't shitty ones. I said most, not all.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up, Ireland

"The Simpson story begins back in the old country, I forget which one exactly." - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

The next next new episode of Zombie Simpsons is going to premier in Ireland and the UK on St. Patrick's Day.  (It won't be on here in the New World until next Sunday the 22nd.)  Basically, Grandpa decides that he's from Ireland and they go there and get drunk and buy a pub and probably some other random, disconnected stuff as well.  But the Irish have apparently not gotten the message that Zombie Simpsons sucks balls.  Like, really not gotten the message:

In the Name of the Grandfather is expected to give Irish tourism a major boost as it features some of the country's biggest tourist attractions.

I know times are tough, but pinning your hopes to Zombie Simpsons is like taking the Barney guarding job.  We've all entertained the thought, but there has to be something else you can do.  

Quote of the Day

"The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede.  One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victories at Granicus and Issus." – Howard Cosell

"No Loan Again, Naturally" predictably awful

It goes without saying that we here at the Dead Homer Society hated "No Loan Again, Naturally." From the number of times Homer was seriously injured (4, including the opening sequence and couch gag), to Bart randomly being outed as a redhead, to the piss poor way Patty and Selma were drawn, there was very little to love. Even more charming moments, like the note Homer leaves upstairs, felt cursory in the broader context of the ham-handed plot. You mean Homer takes advantage of Flanders' generosity -- again? Get out.

Honestly, getting a lecture from Zombie Simpsons about the consequences of the housing bubble is akin to a bum telling you to go buy a Ferrari. The first expected response is "huh?" followed by "who are you to offer me advice?" Gawker agrees, noting that

This particular episode just seemed tacky, cruel, and, most importantly, not funny. The millionaires who make the show haw-hawing at distressed people who suddenly find themselves homeless? Yikes.

The last scene of the episode does give us a perfect analogy for how far the show has fallen though. After 22 minutes of stretched characterizations (when, and more importantly why, did Gil and the Cat Lady turn into something more than background curiosities?) and humorless jokes, everything reverts to normal as Flanders announces to Evergreen Terrace that "The Simpsons are back!" Several neighbors, exasperated, promptly put up for sale signs. Hell, if it were that easy to quit the show, this blog wouldn't exist.

Also, Homer stole copper wire before in "Separate Vocations," sans electrocution, to greater effect. That is all.

Five O'Clock Vulva

Dave found this a couple of weeks ago and while we're not entirely sure of Blogger's formal policy on links to websites with pictures of vaginas painted to look like Homer Simpson, it cannot be ignored.  Fleshbot, do the NSFW honors:

Finally, Some Simpsons Merchandise Worth Paying For

We've seen girls who are totally shaved, totally natural, and somewhere in between. But we've never seen a girl with labia that looked like Homer Simpson... until today, that is.

Thank you, internet porn, thank you.

Quote of the Day

"Question sixty.  I prefer the smell of a) gasoline, b) French fries, or c) bank customers." – Ms. Hoover

And the Hits Keep on Coming

Last night's Flanders love-in was a near perfect microcosm of Zombie Simpsons crapitude: the Simpsons do something zany, Homer doesn't worry about it because he knows everything is going to be okay, everything turns out to be okay for some reason, the end.  Like much of Zombie Simpsons, there were a few chuckle worthy gags almost totally subsumed by the hurricane force torrents of "What the fuck?".

TV by the Numbers will have the ratings up in a few hours, in the meantime I'm setting the over/under at 7.1 million people.  There was no NASCAR preemption this week and it was the first time since November that new episodes have premiered on consecutive Sundays.  

Also, I have no idea why our main page here was blank for portions of yesterday, but it seems to be working now.  

Update:  Wow, 5.99 million, the under wins by a mile and my handicapping skills have been dealt another blow.  Zombie Simpsons got beat by the oxymoronically titled "Saturday Night Live Clips" on NBC.  The demographic numbers aren't as grim, especially among 18-34 year olds, but that's still a very sad number, the second worst of all time.  (The Josh Groban Power Hour holds that distinction.)  Still, it's always nice to get good news on a Monday.  

If You Stop Praising It, Maybe They'll Let It Die

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers!" - Kent Brockman

I still have not watched last night's Zombie Simpsons episode, but I did spend the first 2 hours of my workday reading reviews on various fan sites. If I were 8 years old, obscenely gullible, or a high school student from a Detroit public school, I would run home right now to watch it as it was apparently good.

No, not just good:

"I claim this as a New Classic!" - Gatorgod (nohomers.net)
Super, lemme get AMC on the phone.

"finaly they are making weekly eppisodes again. hopefully their ratings will soon improve." - nick-tick-97 (simpsonschannel.com)

My money says your typing does first.

"aw, what the heck. 5/5." - thardin (nohomers.net)
That's the spirit!

"I liked it better than the previous one?" - Godfrey (nohomers.net)
Wait, are they holding a gun to your head while you read from that card?!?

"one of the funniest shows evert to exist! i cant belive that its been around for over 30 years! !" - animemaster0x70 (tv.com)
For some reason I cant either...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to watch this episode tonight, or ever for that matter. The more I read about it the more I feel I don't need to watch it; the painful Homer injury scenes, Lenny and Carl gay jokes, Ned acting as more than a doormat plotlines, Marge commenting on some stupid thing and then holding it in her hand scenes, and Maggie doing more than being a baby situations are materializing in my head already.

I also read that there is a Homer commiting suicide scene. I guess they are out of things with which to burn, hit, electrocute, stab, flatten, smash, shoot, run over, or chew on him. It was bound to happen.

Quote of the Day

"Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful." – Mr. Smithers

Quote of the Day

"I didn't think it would burn so fast." – Marge's Friend

"I guess it's the tissue paper inside." – Marge Bouvier

Saturday Morning Cartoons

"You know, when that Simpson boy showed up it took years off my life." - Mr. Bouvier

"Will you stop it, she went out with the good one." - Mrs. Bouvier

The image above is among the many tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of reasons that The Simpsons flat out works in a way that no other television show, and certainly not Zombie Simpsons, works.  It's not that other shows have never used snapshot photos to advance the plot, it's the fact that Simpsons is so dense with jokes and ideas that rather than spending even a moment on the painful and distracting image of Marge rejecting Homer, they use this to move on as quickly as possible.  

Quote of the Day

"Eight fifty-eight, first time I've ever been early for work, except for all those Daylight Savings days . . . lousy farmers." – Homer Simpson

Friday Link Dump

"Look boy, either Michael Jackson is some guy working in a recording studio in L.A., or he's here with you willing to work on this song." - Leon Kompowski 

Will posting links to random things that mention The Simpsons become a Friday tradition?  Do you care?  I sure don't.  

Michael Jackson in 1992: 'I think I had a crush on him' - Looking back on it, Michael Jackson's association with Bart Simpson is one of those pop culture coincidences that just makes the mind reel.  Watch the 'Do the Bartman' video, especially the pelvic thrusting, and tell me it isn't weirder than the Super Bowl XXVII halftime show.  (Also, there are more and better visual gags in that video than in all of Season 20 so far.)  

The world's funniest orgasm - Sex advice columns are proof that our culture is capable of working at hilarious cross purposes.  This has almost nothing to do with The Simpsons, but invoking an animated, ten-year-old child to describe an orgasm laugh is too good to pass up.  

It's hard work being an ant - I have no idea what this is about (there are several others if you click on the author link), whether or not the survey being referenced is real, or what the other choices besides "Homer Simpson" were.  Let's move on.  

Grand Funk Railroad - Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974, it's a scientific fact.  I would also submit this as further proof of why Homer and Marge are out of place in 2009.  

Laura Yeager: "Tips for the Bipolar Marriage" - I suppose someone with diagnosed bipolar disorder gets a pass on glaringly poor usage like this:

Hold a weekly family meeting to discuss your issues. Ours were called the “Eat My Shorts” sessions, in homage to Homer Simpson.

That done, there is an entire magazine dedicated to bipolar people and the website is www.bphope.com?  That's a terrible business model; if you show people how to live comfortably with their disorder then they won't need your magazine.  

10th-Grader's Site nocussing.com Inspires No Cussing Week in L.A. - Hey, kid: fuck you.  Also, "the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclomation [sic] that the first week of March will be "No Cussing Weak.""  You know what, they're right, cussing is week.

Profile: Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land is in the driver's seat - If I hadn't had such positive recent experience with the Michigan DMV, and I'm serious about that, I'd be pissed about this photo: 

Press File PhotoTerri Lynn Land wearing a Marge Simpson wig at this year's Coffee Dunker's breakfast.

Doin it and doin it and doin it in public - People worry that the internet is going to destroy libraries as we know them, but can you fuck inside the internet?  I think not.  Nit pick time:

Even Homer and Marge Simpson rekindle their sex life by doing the deed at a miniature golf course.

They were interrupted when they were trying to rekindle their sex life; it was when they were young and unmarried (like most of the kids in the article) that they actually joined the castle club.  

Marge's Lesbian Fantasies. - I really don't think (and most of the commenters agree) that this was a pro-feminist image.  The whole episode sucked anyway.  

411 Fact or Fiction Movies/TV 03.06.09 - #6 = Teh Stupid.  Fucking Zombie Simpsons.  

Quote of the Day

"Ever since you started therapy all you can do is talk about yourself.  But what about me, Marge?" – Homer Simpson

"I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet." – Marge Simpson

"You see?  You see?  *I* just left *my* first session, and *I* haven't opened *my* mouth yet."  - Homer Simpson

Forfty

XKCD #386

Quoting and referencing The Simpsons - a lot - is part and parcel of being a Simpsons fan.  Since I'm an asshole, I love excellent or appropriate usage and loathe poor or inappropriate usage.  (Though I'll admit that I'm frequently guilty of the latter.)  Today during my daily perusing of the internet I came across this from The United Church Observer:

Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.”

This is a citation that frequently gets screwed up.  Can you spot the error?  Let's try another example; this one is from a source which could not be more different than a 180 year old Canadian Jebus magazine, a comment thread up at the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Otto Man Says:
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Listen, Stu, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

See the difference now?  "Forty percent" "14%"  Those are both common ways for that quote to be used and both are incorrect.  The actual quote, and SNPP will back me up on this, is:

"Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.  Forfty percent of all people know that."

Forfty.  Homer makes up a number.  It is neither fourteen nor forty, it is "forfty".  Selah.  

(Note: KSK is a site wonderfully heavy with Simpsons references and Otto Man is one of their all-star commenters, so I offer the above in only the friendliest of ways.  I am not a regular reader of The United Church Observer so I can't speak to their history with Simpsons quotes.) 

Quote of the Day

"We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman." – Rev. Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

"Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was." – C.M. Burns

Mmmmm, That's Good Synergy

"You looken sharpen todayen mein Herr." - Mr. Smithers

There isn't much point in posting a review of a television show that's already been broadcast, but that didn't stop the good people over at IGN from sucking up to their superiors.  Their disturbingly obsequious review was written by one Robert Canning.  To give you an idea of where he's coming from, the only post on his "blog" at IGN is an about statement that has the following two sentences right next to each other:

The Simpsons should never die. (Well, not never, but not for a while)
I'm strangely attracted to Bonnie Hunt.

I don't think I can add anything to that, but I can rework his review into something with a modicum of dignity and honesty.  Enjoy.  

March 2, 2009 - Some of the best episodes of The Simpsons are focused on events at Springfield Elementary, and "How The Test Was Won" is no a massive, glaring exception. This was a smart dimwitted, very funny tedious half hour that proved you can't write off this television stalwart simply because it's been on the air for 20 years.

In a delightful nod to some other great, historic television programs, this episode's couch bit traveled through time showing the Simpson clan in some very famous roles while killing a lot of time. It started with The Honeymooners and stopped at The Dick Van Dyke Show (Homer tripped over the ottoman), The Brady Bunch (Lisa got hit in the nose), and at a bar called Cheers. In a very smart and funny an utterly predictable bit that's been done before, Sideshow Bob walked into the bar. Bob, of course, is voiced by Kelsey Grammer, who sat on those famous bar stools as Dr. Fraser Crane.

But a great time waster couch bit doesn't always mean a great time waster episode. Thankfully, this week's outing lived up to the opening, and was equally boring.  Springfield Elementary announced to the student body that they would be participating in the Vice-Presidential Assessment Test. (Nelson: "He stinks!") Since this test determines the amount of federal funding the school would receive, Superintendent Chalmers concocted a scheme to get rid of the school's underperformers. At first, I thought noticed this plot seemed too similar is identical to what happened in "Whacking Day," when Principal Skinner locked the bullies and Bart in the utility basement to have them out of the way during one of Chalmer's inspections. But "How The Test Was Won" took the idea in a different direction and nothing felt retread or repurposed, made me wish I was watching "Whacking Day" instead. Here, Chalmers got the school bullies, Ralph and Bart on Otto's bus (disguised as a helicopter, no less for some reason) and then tricked Principal Skinner into getting on board as well, for some other reason.

The rest of the episode followed the adventure of random, pointless events that happen to Skinner and the "superstars" as they were being shipped off to Capital City for the day for yet another unknown reason. This was classic Zombie Simpsons. Some of the most memorable episodes of the series have involved Skinner mismatched with some students in extraordinary genuinely humorous situations ("Skinner's Sense of Snow" "Team Homer", "Separate Vocations" and "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" to name two three.) Laughs Paroxysms of boredom came from all directions, including Bart's taunting, Skinner's horror at realizing their location ("My God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard!") and even from Otto's ever-present buzz. But the biggest laugh cheapest, most contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke came when Ralph needed to stop for a bathroom break. While at the urinal, Ralph sang a long, repetitive portion of The Spice Girls' "Wannabe." Then, when Skinner told him to hurry up and finish, Ralph stated, "I finished before we came in." I'm throwing this scene in as a contender for a top ten Ralph Wiggum moment list of reasons from this episode alone that Zombie Simpsons should've gone off the air ten years ago.     

The rest of the episode was equally entertaining bland. Back at the testing, Lisa was drawing a blank. Chalmers had a great line here another contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke when he approached the troubled girl: "Like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere. But like T.J. Hooker, I say what's on my mind." While the test taking was actually a small part of the episode, the anxiety of Chalmers, Lisa and the rest of the kids offered up a good number of chuckles opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Homer's incoherent slapstick storyline was also very funny boring. In what could have just been the usual style of weak filler, having Homer uninsured until 3:00 p.m. was a smart choice that and loaded the episode with some great visuals time killing garbage. Early on, we were given a montage of Homer getting hurt. Again, this is something the series has done before and it worried me that the episode might just be proved again that it's just repeating itself. But when Homer ended the overlong montage with, "What a week," you could tell this was actually going somewhere sadly, the best they can do. The story thing ended at Marge's book club, where Homer did a hilarious, slow-motion job of keeping everyone safe. Well, except for Mr. Burns. It's a sequence you have to see to truly enjoy comprehend the vapidity.

The very ending didn't quite lived up to what preceded it, but at least it tied a few things together. Skinner realized there was more to teaching than testing and he called off the federal exam exposited ad nauseam about it. This freed Lisa from failing the test brought a merciful end to another subplot no one cared about. Tidy Ham fisted, but and not very funny. And I could have done without the Footloose-referencing extended dance scene with Chalmers. But those are minor issues in an episode that had me laughing from the beginning to (almost) the end many major ones.