Put Down The Glass Dick

"Let's just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs." - Homer Simpson

I have been perusing some of my favorite Simpsons forums in the last few days and for the most part the responses to last Sunday's Zombie Simpsons have been par for the season. Most people can't express enough love for the new episodes, a few are satisfied but have some complaints, and even fewer seem to hate them enough to qualify for membership in DHS. What I have been seeing that bothers me is an increase in comments that express a desire to see even more of the crap that has ruined this show over the years. Seriously people, has the crack epidemic picked up again? Is FOX spiking the world's water supply? What drugs are you people doing that forces you to post this garbage on the internet for everyone to see? For example, the user 'Simpsonfloyd' on nohomers.net states

The parson could even become for Lovejoy waht (sic) Chalmers is for Skinner That would be interesting

First of all it wouldn't. Unless you mean interesting like having your face mauled by a bear. Then it would. That singing bastard almost cost me sex with my wife for a month. Second of all, that is the kind of thing that ruined the fucking show! We don't need any more characters! Throw away characters are fine, but they almost always end up becoming regulars. Why is Disco Stu not only in most episodes but in the fucking opening?!? The same goes for the octuplets and for that matter Gil. Also, and I am sure I am not the first bird to sing this song, Gil is an absolutely appalling replacement for the many characters of the late Phil Hartman. In fact every time I see Gil in an episode I get the feeling Mr. Hartman is crying in rich man heaven. But I digress.

Well, that user's comment covers the addition of new characters, but as long as were are talkin' crazy, let me add to the list of things I assume people like Simpsonfloyd would love to see:

1. Homer Crying more often. 20 seconds an episode just ain't going to do it. In fact let's see if Homer can cry for the duration of an entire episode sometime.

2. More story shows. There is nothing like a good episode where the family ends up in a library or something and retells famous stories with them in place of the orignal characters. Man that's good TV.

3. Less Scenes in the power plant. Back in the first 10 seasons of the show Homer spent an inordinate amount of time at work. While it was sometimes funny, it wasn't that funny and it encourages countries like France to rely on nuclear power. Homer may get fired almost every episode nowadays, but can't we just pretend he never worked there at all? The planet and the Country's funny bones will thank you.

4. More B-list celebrities. We've been doing a good job avoiding the A-listers this season with the likes of Mark Cuban, Emily Blunt and Will Shortz, but let's really go for it folks! I say we get some guests like Craig Ferguson, Kathy Griffen, or the guy that played Bud on the series "Married With Children." I bet he'd do it for free!

I can't do this anymore, my soul hurts. Anyway, I would like to request that you Zombie fans lay off the pipe for a few weeks and see if you still want to see such nonsense every Sunday night. I think you'll be surprised.

A Lesson in Internet Reading Comprehension

"After breakfast me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine.  We got a tip from a six year old that there's a dead martian down there." - Bart Simpson

I saw goofy little stories like this one and this one and this one on-line last week.  They amount to nothing that could be called news and I didn't even include them in the Friday Link Dump.  Then I check in on Simpsons Channel this morning and what do I see?  

Barack Obama on The Simpsons?

Sigh.  All of the above links can be traced to this post on the website of the British tabloid The Sun.  Here is the full quote from James L. Brooks:

"We’d love to have Barack on the show. No president has agreed to do it yet but we’ll keep asking.  We’re putting all the right signals out."  

That's it.  Brooks, speaking to a British newspaper, said they'd like to have Obama on the show.  Nothing more to it than that.  Of course The Sun, being a tabloid, has the headline read:

US President Barack Obama and British comic Russell Brand are being lined up for an appearance in The Simpsons

I'd say that's overstating the case a bit, but it was enough and the internet took it from there.  

Would Obama want to do a guest voice on Zomibe Simpsons?  I have no idea, that's up to him and the people around him.  For his sake I hope they're either not thinking about it or decide not to do it.  There's no sense tarnishing his image by associating him with a dying television show.  

But one thing's for sure, having Brooks mention that they'd like to do it is a far, far cry from what these stories and headlines imply.  

I Can't Imagine Why Fox Didn't Like This

I have no insight into why this little musical number from Family Guy wasn't broadcast.  (It looks like it was to have been part of the fall '07 episode "Lois Kills Stewie".)  The Entertainment Weekly post where I found it thinks it was the network censors, but other than the original YouTube uploader calling it "banned" I don't see any evidence of that, it may just have not made the final cut.  Of course, saying something was "banned" or implying that it's somehow too "think of the children" for broadcast television certainly makes it more appealing than saying it just didn't fit in the episode. 

That said, I doubt that the joke at about 2:15 pleased any network higher ups:

I could quibble with the particulars, but really I just like seeing other people say that Simpsons isn't funny any longer.  

Unsurprisingly, the always tedious "Simpsons Sucks/no it doesn't Family Guy sucks" back and forth breaks out in the comments section of both the Entertainment Weekly post and the originating YouTube link.  

Finally, A New Idea

""What - are - you - looking at?" - The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at young man, a town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit." - Kent Brockman

So today is St Patrick's Day. Whoopee!!! If you are anything like me you are finishing up your Irish seven course and wondering about the special St. Patrick's Day Zombie Simpsons episode that aired tonight on the other side of the pond, and will air in the States on Sunday. This isn't the first St Pat's episode of the Simpsons, or even the second one for that matter, but I am pretty sure it is only the third time they've done it. And it's definitely the first time it's been broadcast overseas first. So there. Anyway, it's pretty meaningless to me as a shitty cartoon is a shitty cartoon in any timezone.

What does surprise me, however, is that Homer will apparently drink Guinness. In all fairness, I haven't seen the episode yet, so I garnered this info from a website called 4rfv.co.uk. I couldn't tell you whether or not this is a reliable news source, I also couldn't care less. If it is true, it means that a cartoon is pitching an actual beer brand in prime time. And while I am 100% behind both cartoons and beer, I can't, in good conscience, support the advertisement (we pronounce it ad-ver-TISE-ment over here you mick/limey fucks) of a purchasable brand of beer in a TV show that, over the last ten years, has shown an intelligence level only suitable for the entertainment of pre-teens and retards.

So, assuming my source is right, shame on you FOX. You shouldn't help beer companies sell their dangerously delicious product to the underage and handicapped. And shame on you Guinness. How dare you link your wonderful beer with such a terrible television show. You might as well have done this with "Desperate Housewives" or "Survivor" because at least then someone who can buy your product would be watching. Not me though, I hate those fucking shows.

If You Stop Praising It, Maybe They'll Let It Die

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers!" - Kent Brockman

I still have not watched last night's Zombie Simpsons episode, but I did spend the first 2 hours of my workday reading reviews on various fan sites. If I were 8 years old, obscenely gullible, or a high school student from a Detroit public school, I would run home right now to watch it as it was apparently good.

No, not just good:

"I claim this as a New Classic!" - Gatorgod (nohomers.net)
Super, lemme get AMC on the phone.

"finaly they are making weekly eppisodes again. hopefully their ratings will soon improve." - nick-tick-97 (simpsonschannel.com)

My money says your typing does first.

"aw, what the heck. 5/5." - thardin (nohomers.net)
That's the spirit!

"I liked it better than the previous one?" - Godfrey (nohomers.net)
Wait, are they holding a gun to your head while you read from that card?!?

"one of the funniest shows evert to exist! i cant belive that its been around for over 30 years! !" - animemaster0x70 (tv.com)
For some reason I cant either...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to watch this episode tonight, or ever for that matter. The more I read about it the more I feel I don't need to watch it; the painful Homer injury scenes, Lenny and Carl gay jokes, Ned acting as more than a doormat plotlines, Marge commenting on some stupid thing and then holding it in her hand scenes, and Maggie doing more than being a baby situations are materializing in my head already.

I also read that there is a Homer commiting suicide scene. I guess they are out of things with which to burn, hit, electrocute, stab, flatten, smash, shoot, run over, or chew on him. It was bound to happen.

Quote of the Day

"Sometimes, Maude - God bless her - she underlines passages in my Bible because she can't find hers." – Ned Flanders

"Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house." – Homer Simpson

Isn't There An Award Show I Could Be Watching?

"TV sucks." - Bart Simpson

"How The Test Was Won" will be airing in about a half-hour, and instead of doing my duty and watching it so I may rip on it, I am seriously considering watching the Cops marathon on Tru TV. The Comcast (ugh) promo clearly states that Bart is going to be swept under the rug again, and Homer will have to avoid getting hurt because his insurance has lapsed. Homer hasn't been safe from a weekly life-threatening injury in 11 years, so my guess is that he's screwed. But don't take my word for it, watch any episode of Zombie Simpsons and you will see that even with a p value of 7 sigmas, it is statistically impossible for Homer not to get hurt tonight. Just thinking about this episode has made me anxious enough to go take a Xanax. So if you will excuse me please.

Quote of the Day

"God, he eats like a pig." – Frank Grimes

"I don't know, pigs tend to chew.  I'd say he eats more like a duck." – Lenny

Quote of the Day

"We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?" – Homer Simpson

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch." – Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

Quote of the Day

"No, Ben!  No!" – Bear Wrangler

Quote of the Day

"It's okay, there's no sugar in Pixy Stix.  Trust me." – Bart Simpson

The Kids Are Alright

"Bart, I don't know if this sould be an Extra." - Rod Flanders

"Is your source on this reliable?" - Todd Flanders

This is the first thing it says on Emory University's "About" page:

Emory University is an inquiry-driven, ethically engaged and diverse community whose members work collaboratively for positive transformation in the world through courageous leadership in teaching, research, scholarship, health care and social action.

That is a mouthful of a sentence, nevertheless I think they have some very fine young people there.  In a paean to Conan O'Brien in the Emory Wheel, senior Daniel Berger writes:

Though it was my favorite show as a kid, by the time I turned 12 or 13 I discovered that the “Simpsons” were best viewed in reruns. The “Simpsons” has declined so much since then that it has unwittingly justified the decision of every other show that decided to go out on a high note.

Okay, let's do the math.  Seniors are typically 21 or 22 years old - 12 or 13 years old = 8-10 years ago = the dawn of Zombie Simpsons.  He's hit the nail right on the head.  Here's hoping he becomes a Fox executive in the next ten years or so, then we might finally get Zombie Simpsons taken off the air.  

Quote of the Day

"See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium!" – TV Announcer

Quote of the Day

"You're the coolest adult I ever met." – Bart Simpson

"Wow, I've never been called an adult before; I've been tried as one but . . ." - Otto 

Simpsons Evolutionary Theroy Part 1: From Homer to Punching Bag

"Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks." - C. Montgomery Burns

I think it is fair to say that the principles behind natural selection and evolution can be applied to televisions shows. The Simpsons was once a great show, and then it wasn't so good, and then bad, and now even worse. With each episode representing an intermediate in the evolutionary chain that is The Simpsons, we can compare episode traits from different parts of the lineage to hopefully figure out what the hell went wrong, and maybe try to reason why this series won't die. Today I will focus on the needless physical comedy that has made its way into Homer's life.

I think I can do this with only three examples. In these examples we will see a distinct change; the occasional physical harm Homer suffers will go from an afterthought to the main source of Simpsons jokes. My first example comes from season 4, "Brother From The Same Planet ". In the end of this episode Homer gets into a fist fight with Tom, Bart's 'Bigger Brother'. The fight ends when Homer is knocked out and falls backwards over a fire hydrant. It lasts all of a few seconds, it is only punctuated with one witty remark, and then it is over. This is an appropriate use of physical comedy.

The second example comes from season 8, "Homer's Phobia". At the end of this episode Homer and Bart are trapped in a reindeer farm. As the reindeer get ready to trample them, Homer holds Bart up over his head, as to save his son from certain doom. The Reindeer pummel Homer for a little while before the rest of the crew saves the pair. In this example, you can see that the physical pain lasts a little longer and is accompanied by an extra line or two ("Homer you feel softer than before" "I've been tenderized") as opposed to just a single phrase from Homer. The scene was still relevant, but you wouldn't have seen it a few seasons before.

Finally we can look at modern day, or as we say, Zombie Simpsons. There are way too many examples from which to choose, so to make this example as accessible as possible I will use a scene from The Simpsons Movie. This particular scene was even in the trailer (a statement unto itself?). I am, of course, speaking of the thirty seconds or so that Homer spent on the wrecking ball. Here we see a physical scene that was completely unnecessary, wayyy too long, and more than physically impossible. On top of that, they should have shelled out the extra few bucks to make the building a Hard Rock Cafe as opposed to just something named A Hard Place, but I digress.

This evolutionary end-product could have been from a number of crappy episodes of late, and that makes me wonder what is keeping this premise in the show? It is clearly detracting from the entertainment value, but it just won't go away. One theory I have is people feel that since its The Simpsons, and it's in its 20th season, we just have to accept that the physical comedy is here. But a more likely theory it is that the fan base that has been added during the last ten years or so doesn't know that there was a before time, a long-long ago, where this wasn't the case. Homer's evolution into slapstick wouldn't have been noticed by those watching religiously now, and therefore is a trait that would not have been de-selected, which leaves us with what we have today.

One last point: I know you are all thinking "What about 'Bart the Daredevil'! Homer fell down the cliff twice!" And you are right to do so. This episode would appear to be a wrench in my explanation, but consider this: That episode was based on physical comedy in general, not just Homer getting needlessly beaten. A Zombie Simpsons episode with the same basic plot line would not have had Captain Lance Murdock or Bart get hurt, but would have had their actions injure Homer in some way. I guarantee it.

Quote of the Day

"Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson.  It's important I get a hold of him; I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him." – Homer Simpson

"We get that a lot." – Springfield Retirement Castle Receptionist 

Let The Jokes Stand On Their Own

"Oh, that just kept goin', hunh?" - Krusty the Klown

When The Simpsons started going downhill, one of the most noticeable changes was the way jokes would be stretched.  Instead of moving on from a funny line or exchange, the show would milk it for screen time.   The examples of this over the years are far too numerous to catalog, but here's one anyway.

In that wet noodle "Take My Life, Please", after the aged Dondelinger tells Homer the truth, he says "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't."  That is a good joke.  It's cruel and funny and filled with irreconcilable regret.   But because Zombie Simpsons is no better than ordinary television it goes on from there and explains the joke by having Dondelinger (get ready for it) spew pointless exposition.  Dondelinger sitting and sighing sadly might've worked, instead they elected to cram the joke down your throat and get ten seconds closer to the credits.  

Quote of the Day

"Who rigs every Oscar night?  We do!  We do!" – Stonecutter Song

Quote of the Day

"I'm an antiquarian, damn it!" – Hollis Hurlbut

This Is Not a Personal Attack

"That was the worst movie I've ever seen." - Principal Skinner

I do not know anything about Don Payne, who is credited, if that is the right word, as the main writer of last week's flash-back, conspiracy theory, magic tomato sauce mess.  He might be a great guy; he might be an asshole.  I don't have an opinion either way, nor do I care.  I do know that on his IMDb page he is credited, if that is the right word, with having written My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Fantastic Four 2.  I've never seen the former, though I've heard bad things, but the Silver Surfer movie was unwatchable.  Mad Jon and I got through it with a very big assist from Rifftrax, but even with Nelson, Murphy and Corbett we came close to just turning it off several times.  It is that bad.  Embedding was disabled on YouTube, so if you want to torture yourself, go here and click "Watch Sample" to see some of what you're not missing.

Then I found this "local boy makes good" article in the Wilmington Star-News.  Setting aside the "Wildcats" thing, there is this troubling passage from the end:

Though film remains his passion, he loves being a part of the “Simpsons” universe. Besides, it can’t last that much longer, right?

“Right now I’m thinking, eh, two more years,” Payne said. “But who knows?”

First of all, film is his passion . . . and he wrote those movies?  More importantly, two more years?  What an unpleasant thought.  

To be fair, his Wikipedia page (citing an earlier interview with the Star-News), has his favorite episodes listed as "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge", "Lisa's Substitute", "Like Father, Like Clown", "Marge vs. the Monorail", "The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase", and "Behind the Laughter".  That's a pretty solid list, but it doesn't make "Take My Life, Please" any less crappy nor abrogate responsibility for the dialogue in Fantastic Four 2.  

C'mon Nielsen households, sweeps is in March this year.  I'm not asking you to do anything radical like turn off your television; I'm just saying, you can probably find something better on at 8:00pm on Sundays.