Quote of the Day

"We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?" – Homer Simpson

"Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch." – Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

Upon Further Reflection, This Still Sucks

"Noooooooooo!" - Principal Skinner

I was expecting Zombie Simpsons to get picked up for another season; epguides.com already has episodes listed for next fall and since each craptacular one supposedly takes a whole year to produce it stood to reason that Season 21 was a forgone conclusion.  But the news yesterday that they were being picked up for two more seasons was like a second, unexpected, football in the groin.  According to some of those links this will push them to 493 episodes.  493!  Of which less than a third are actually up to snuff.  

Admittedly, I am no expert on the television industry, but the ratings have been historically low for a couple of years now, and the heavily promoted HD episode didn't do much to change that.  Granted, network viewership itself is trending downwards and has been for some time, but in all my years basking in television's warm glowing warming glow I cannot think of a single other show that managed to linger the way Zombie Simpsons has.  Any other show that slumped this badly and this publicly would've gotten canned after a year or two.  I suppose I could look on it as a testament to the enduring quality of the original seasons, but the comfort went out of that little fib long ago.  

The senseless renewal is particularly grating coming the same week that Futurama went out on a high note.  On Tuesday I was entertaining fantasies that they'd follow the same path.  Wrap it up with Season 21 then maybe do another movie or two to finish things.  For all its flaws, especially the last forty minutes or so, The Simpsons Movie was better than most of Zombie Simpsons, and a sequel or two would have to be more profitable than another season of five million dollar episodes that only six million people watch.   

Oh well.  Zombie Simpsons has been on for far longer than The Simpsons ever was, what's another season or two?  

Quote of the Day

"No, Ben!  No!" – Bear Wrangler

Filling the Jar

"Oh, fudge, that's broken.  Fiddle-dee-dee, that will require a tetanus shot." - Homer Simpson

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Quote of the Day

"It's okay, there's no sugar in Pixy Stix.  Trust me." – Bart Simpson

The Kids Are Alright

"Bart, I don't know if this sould be an Extra." - Rod Flanders

"Is your source on this reliable?" - Todd Flanders

This is the first thing it says on Emory University's "About" page:

Emory University is an inquiry-driven, ethically engaged and diverse community whose members work collaboratively for positive transformation in the world through courageous leadership in teaching, research, scholarship, health care and social action.

That is a mouthful of a sentence, nevertheless I think they have some very fine young people there.  In a paean to Conan O'Brien in the Emory Wheel, senior Daniel Berger writes:

Though it was my favorite show as a kid, by the time I turned 12 or 13 I discovered that the “Simpsons” were best viewed in reruns. The “Simpsons” has declined so much since then that it has unwittingly justified the decision of every other show that decided to go out on a high note.

Okay, let's do the math.  Seniors are typically 21 or 22 years old - 12 or 13 years old = 8-10 years ago = the dawn of Zombie Simpsons.  He's hit the nail right on the head.  Here's hoping he becomes a Fox executive in the next ten years or so, then we might finally get Zombie Simpsons taken off the air.  

Quote of the Day

"See the happiest fish in the world at our fabulous Beerquarium!" – TV Announcer

Going Out In Style

"They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son; I've never fully understood why that is.  Frankly, I can see an upside to it." - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

Futurama, the longer surviving of the two Simpsons spin-offs, ends today, more or less on its own terms.  It was cancelled back in 2003 but strong reruns on cable got it brought back for 4 direct to DVD movies (each of which is comprised of four episodes condensed together), the final one of which, Into the Wild Green Yonder, came out today.  

Whatever one thinks of the show (I happen to be a fan, but that's just me), it, unlike Zombie Simpsons, has an ending.  Into the Wild Green Yonder has a "series finale" feel to it, ties things up at the end, and is a pretty decent way to send off a beloved television show.  Pointless debates will never rage back and forth about when the show went to hell, or if its even still funny.  It was on; it was loved; it will be missed; and it will live forever in reruns and home video.  

Quote of the Day

"You're the coolest adult I ever met." – Bart Simpson

"Wow, I've never been called an adult before; I've been tried as one but . . ." - Otto 

Simpsons Evolutionary Theroy Part 1: From Homer to Punching Bag

"Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks." - C. Montgomery Burns

I think it is fair to say that the principles behind natural selection and evolution can be applied to televisions shows. The Simpsons was once a great show, and then it wasn't so good, and then bad, and now even worse. With each episode representing an intermediate in the evolutionary chain that is The Simpsons, we can compare episode traits from different parts of the lineage to hopefully figure out what the hell went wrong, and maybe try to reason why this series won't die. Today I will focus on the needless physical comedy that has made its way into Homer's life.

I think I can do this with only three examples. In these examples we will see a distinct change; the occasional physical harm Homer suffers will go from an afterthought to the main source of Simpsons jokes. My first example comes from season 4, "Brother From The Same Planet ". In the end of this episode Homer gets into a fist fight with Tom, Bart's 'Bigger Brother'. The fight ends when Homer is knocked out and falls backwards over a fire hydrant. It lasts all of a few seconds, it is only punctuated with one witty remark, and then it is over. This is an appropriate use of physical comedy.

The second example comes from season 8, "Homer's Phobia". At the end of this episode Homer and Bart are trapped in a reindeer farm. As the reindeer get ready to trample them, Homer holds Bart up over his head, as to save his son from certain doom. The Reindeer pummel Homer for a little while before the rest of the crew saves the pair. In this example, you can see that the physical pain lasts a little longer and is accompanied by an extra line or two ("Homer you feel softer than before" "I've been tenderized") as opposed to just a single phrase from Homer. The scene was still relevant, but you wouldn't have seen it a few seasons before.

Finally we can look at modern day, or as we say, Zombie Simpsons. There are way too many examples from which to choose, so to make this example as accessible as possible I will use a scene from The Simpsons Movie. This particular scene was even in the trailer (a statement unto itself?). I am, of course, speaking of the thirty seconds or so that Homer spent on the wrecking ball. Here we see a physical scene that was completely unnecessary, wayyy too long, and more than physically impossible. On top of that, they should have shelled out the extra few bucks to make the building a Hard Rock Cafe as opposed to just something named A Hard Place, but I digress.

This evolutionary end-product could have been from a number of crappy episodes of late, and that makes me wonder what is keeping this premise in the show? It is clearly detracting from the entertainment value, but it just won't go away. One theory I have is people feel that since its The Simpsons, and it's in its 20th season, we just have to accept that the physical comedy is here. But a more likely theory it is that the fan base that has been added during the last ten years or so doesn't know that there was a before time, a long-long ago, where this wasn't the case. Homer's evolution into slapstick wouldn't have been noticed by those watching religiously now, and therefore is a trait that would not have been de-selected, which leaves us with what we have today.

One last point: I know you are all thinking "What about 'Bart the Daredevil'! Homer fell down the cliff twice!" And you are right to do so. This episode would appear to be a wrench in my explanation, but consider this: That episode was based on physical comedy in general, not just Homer getting needlessly beaten. A Zombie Simpsons episode with the same basic plot line would not have had Captain Lance Murdock or Bart get hurt, but would have had their actions injure Homer in some way. I guarantee it.

Quote of the Day

"Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson.  It's important I get a hold of him; I have to tell him I don't care about his money and I love him." – Homer Simpson

"We get that a lot." – Springfield Retirement Castle Receptionist 

Let The Jokes Stand On Their Own

"Oh, that just kept goin', hunh?" - Krusty the Klown

When The Simpsons started going downhill, one of the most noticeable changes was the way jokes would be stretched.  Instead of moving on from a funny line or exchange, the show would milk it for screen time.   The examples of this over the years are far too numerous to catalog, but here's one anyway.

In that wet noodle "Take My Life, Please", after the aged Dondelinger tells Homer the truth, he says "Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to sit under that tree and think of all the women I could've talked to but didn't."  That is a good joke.  It's cruel and funny and filled with irreconcilable regret.   But because Zombie Simpsons is no better than ordinary television it goes on from there and explains the joke by having Dondelinger (get ready for it) spew pointless exposition.  Dondelinger sitting and sighing sadly might've worked, instead they elected to cram the joke down your throat and get ten seconds closer to the credits.  

Quote of the Day

"Who rigs every Oscar night?  We do!  We do!" – Stonecutter Song

Quote of the Day

"I'm an antiquarian, damn it!" – Hollis Hurlbut

This Is Not a Personal Attack

"That was the worst movie I've ever seen." - Principal Skinner

I do not know anything about Don Payne, who is credited, if that is the right word, as the main writer of last week's flash-back, conspiracy theory, magic tomato sauce mess.  He might be a great guy; he might be an asshole.  I don't have an opinion either way, nor do I care.  I do know that on his IMDb page he is credited, if that is the right word, with having written My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Fantastic Four 2.  I've never seen the former, though I've heard bad things, but the Silver Surfer movie was unwatchable.  Mad Jon and I got through it with a very big assist from Rifftrax, but even with Nelson, Murphy and Corbett we came close to just turning it off several times.  It is that bad.  Embedding was disabled on YouTube, so if you want to torture yourself, go here and click "Watch Sample" to see some of what you're not missing.

Then I found this "local boy makes good" article in the Wilmington Star-News.  Setting aside the "Wildcats" thing, there is this troubling passage from the end:

Though film remains his passion, he loves being a part of the “Simpsons” universe. Besides, it can’t last that much longer, right?

“Right now I’m thinking, eh, two more years,” Payne said. “But who knows?”

First of all, film is his passion . . . and he wrote those movies?  More importantly, two more years?  What an unpleasant thought.  

To be fair, his Wikipedia page (citing an earlier interview with the Star-News), has his favorite episodes listed as "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge", "Lisa's Substitute", "Like Father, Like Clown", "Marge vs. the Monorail", "The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase", and "Behind the Laughter".  That's a pretty solid list, but it doesn't make "Take My Life, Please" any less crappy nor abrogate responsibility for the dialogue in Fantastic Four 2.  

C'mon Nielsen households, sweeps is in March this year.  I'm not asking you to do anything radical like turn off your television; I'm just saying, you can probably find something better on at 8:00pm on Sundays.   

Quote of the Day

"Barney's movie had heart, but 'Football in the Groin' had a football in the groin." – Homer Simpson's Brain

Some Brit thinks he's like Homer Simpson

In a recent case of life imitating Zombie Simpsons, 26-year old Englishman Ricky Hodgkinson was tried in court after shocking himself with a taser he purchased for £100. John Walker, Hodgkinson’s lawyer, likened his client to Homer Simpson before a panel of magistrates. Hodgkinson agreed, remarking “I am a bit like Homer Simpson, it was a stupid thing to do really.”

While I’m amused at the absurdity of the situation, I also take issue with the implication that Homer has always been, well, a complete idiot. Classic Homer was certainly prone to acts of questionable intelligence, but he would never intentionally inflict cartoonish acts of violence upon himself. These sorts of shenanigans and cheap gags are almost exclusively the domain of Zombie Homer, the creation of writers who are more interested in one-dimensional filler instead of something truly clever and worthy of the show. That the past twelve seasons of Zombie Simpsons are now representative of The Simpsons proper to general public is a sad development.

Getting rid of Zombie Simpsons isn’t a selfish act that only true Simpsons fans can appreciate; indeed, society will be a better place for losing this nonsense. In the meantime, we have this to learn from Hodgkinson’s shining example: don’t do what Zombie Simpsons does.

(via The Telegraph)

Quote of the Day

"We need some more secret sauce, put this mayonnaise in the sun." – Old Man Peterson, Krusty Burger Manager

Zombie Simpsons: Countering the Orange Revolution

"So, here's Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team: Worker and Parasite!" - Krusty the Klown

Here is another way in which Zombie Simpsons is damaging our world.  The "Ukrainian State Commission of Morals" (motto: Drinking Vodka and Pissing off Russia since 2004!) has declared that The Simpsons violates moral principals and shouldn't be shown in the Ukrainian equivalent of primetime:  

Vasyl Kostytskiy, head of the Commission of Morals, explained that members were analyzing “The Simpsons” at the request of two governmental bodies (the prosecutor’s office and National Television and Radio Broadcasting Council). Their task was to check the show’s compliance with the nation’s morals law.

“Our conclusion regarding ‘The Simpsons’ said that there was no violation of law on the protection of morals, but our expert believes that the time frame should be taken into account when demonstrating.” Kostytskiy said, pointing out that 400 episodes of the cartoon “were under investigation in many countries.” 

Showing Simpsons to Ukrainian children is, obviously, a good idea.  They'll learn how to properly mock authority, not take things too seriously, and generally see the humor in life.  But what about Zombie Simpsons?  Let's face it, Zombie Simpsons isn't going to teach anyone anything other than that mediocrity is acceptable and you can slouch through life so long as your paymasters get theirs.  That kind of message only encourages thoughtless authoritarianism. 

Quote of the Day

"The following is a public service announcement.  Excess of alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum." – TV Announcer

"Mmmm, beer." – Homer Simpson

Still Shitty

"Are we hot?" - Homer Simpson

"We are not." - Principal Skinner

I was a little worried that the HD thing (and the attendant promotion) might give Zombie Simpsons a nice ratings number.  My fears were unfounded:

While Take My Wife [sic], Please did not break new lows, it received a total of 6.82 million viewers. It is the third least watched episode of the season but the best ratings since November, which is an improvement at least.

Being the best since November isn't much of an accomplishment since there have only been two episodes in that time and as recently as two years ago this show was routinely pulling two million more viewers.  

This was only the tenth episode of the season so if they're going to get to twenty there ought to be a lot of new ones coming relatively soon.  They aren't bothering to compete with the Oscars next Sunday, but there's already one scheduled for March 1st.  Starting from March 1st there are thirteen Sundays until Memorial Day Weekend.  If they're going to get to twenty that means that there's a maximum of three Sundays unpolluted by Zombie Simpsons between now and then. 

Brace yourselves and hope for low ratings.  

Quote of the Day

"Forget it pal, they don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb ass army guy." – Homer Simpson

Worth 1,000 Words

In the original opening Homer flees his wife's car and belts out his iconic scream.  In the new opening he gets hit by the car and crashes through the wall, Looney Tunes style.  No further comment required.  

Quote of the Day

"Well if I was governor I'd sure find better things to do with my time." – Homer Simpson

"Like what?" – Marge Simpson

"Like getting Washington's birthday and Lincoln's birthday back as separate paid holidays.  'President's Day', pffft, what a rip off." – Homer Simpson

Well There Went My Weekend

"This is the worst thing you've ever done." - Marge Simpson
"You say that so much it's lost all meaning." - Homer Simpson

*sigh*

There it is, the first episode of Simpsons in HD. It may have been the format, or maybe the six pack I drank in nervous anticipation, but that episode just felt wrong. Not wrong like a shirt that shrunk in the wash, or wrong like putting ketchup on ice cream, it fell wrong like paying your grandma to let you watch your grandpa take a bath. Luckily my wife suggested that we Tivo it so we could fast forward through the commercials and lessen the torture by seven or eight minutes. I will admit though, I did throw up in my mouth a little when I pushed the record button.

I have an envelope back filled with disgusting and downright dangerous things I was planing to say about that episode, but I am not going to. It became clear to me that I am going to need to spread them out as future Zombie Simpsons will be similarly as pointless as this on was.

I do have a few specific points I would like to make about this episode however. First, I was clearly too late warning the writers to stop including Homer's present day friends in the past. Lenny and Carl just keep losing my respect. Second, Burns should not be in an episode if they aren't going to use him for a diabolical or life-crushing reason. Third, the only thing I could think of that was meant to be funny was when Bart asked if he could have a "virgin Tom Collins" and Homer makes a comment about how virgin drinks are for girls; the only people who would find that funny are too young to know what a virgin drink is.

There is no episode I wish to recommend to wash that taste out of your mouth. I would hate for any residual disgrace to transfer to a classic episode. Instead I recommend you do what I did, which is smoke two cigarettes and take three shots of Five 'o Clock gin. That'll do it.

Quote of the Day

"The evening began at the gentlemen's club where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon." – Homer Simpson

"Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI." – Agent Scully

"We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard, you happy?" – Homer Simpson

An Atypical Valentine's Day Complaint

"Poor Ralph." - Lisa Simpson

Bitching about Valentine's Day is almost a pro forma excercise these days (and something of a cottage industry).  Basically, people who are in love are made to feel bad because their relationships don't live up to the ideal, and people who are not in love are made to feel bad for being alone.  Of course, making people feel bad to get them to spend money is pretty much the whole point.  But I don't actually care about any of that because I am an ugly and hate filled man.  Now, for the Simpsons part.  

In "I Love Lisa", also known as the Valentine's Day episode, Ralph falls hard for Lisa after she gives him a Valentine's Day card out of pity.  (One suspects that pity is going to be a recurring theme in Ralph Wiggum's love life.)  I was always slightly bothered by that scene because at my school when we did pointless busy work by making Valentines mailboxes and giving out cards we were required to bring a card for every person in the class.  (I don't know if this policy was the norm or not, my guess is that once upon a time it wasn't and now it is.)  This prevented Wiggum type situations and managed the neat trick of cheapening an already bankrupt holiday.  

It also raises another question.  How does one write a Valentine's Day message to a person one downright loathes?  If I wrote what I really thought ("I hate you and I hope you go to hell.  Love, Charlie") I'd get in trouble.  The only other option is to lie.  It's a holiday built around an inescapable trap of dishonesty and I always thought that was fitting.  

And now, for our own Valentine's Day humiliation.  I'm going to ask for comments and I doubt I'm going to get any because nobody love us/reads this blog.  If your school did Valentine's Day exchanges, were you required to bring one for everybody or was emotional humiliation a possibility?  

Quote of the Day

"Watch this Lis, you can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half." – Bart Simpson

The San Francisco Chronicle Gets It Right

Most of the Simpsons related commentary I see on-line sucks balls because most of it revolves around Zombie Simpsons, which sucks balls.  However, this morning I got a pleasant surprise.  Behold this post from a San Francisco Chronicle blog:

"The Simpsons" Season 4, Episode 15, also known as "I Love Lisa," also known as the Choo-Choo-Choose Me episode. It doesn't get enough appreciation, but this excellent 1993 show from the creative peak of "The Simpsons" is the "A Charlie Brown Christmas" of Valentine's Day.

Amen, brother.  Amen.  

The post then goes through a few crappy on-line links where you can see clips.  They can't say so, but you can always watch it at WTSO, or on Disc 3 of the Season 4 DVDs.  

Quote of the Day

"Well, it was written in 1845, maybe people were easier to scare back then." – Lisa Simpson

"Oh yeah, like when you look at Friday the 13th part one, it's pretty tame by today's standards." – Bart Simpson

No Seriously, Take it!

"Oh come on Edna! We both know these children have no future!!" - Seymour Skinner

In the second part of my two part series chronicling my hatred of Zombie Simpsons episodes involving time shifts, I will address the failures of episodes with a flashforward premise. As I warned in the end of part one, there will be some similarities in this post. If you think I am just being lazy (which I do not deny), try this exercise: Make a list of reasons you think the shit your dog took this morning was gross, then make a list of reasons why the shit your dog will take tonight will be gross. You may be pleasantly surprised. Now that you have a better understanding of what I am dealing with, let us get to my complaints with flashforward Zombie Simpsons episodes.

One other point of note, there are only a couple of these episodes. This may be a result of the writers realizing how bad the episodes would be, but that would be a bit optimistic on my part.

1. Impossible team ups.
In the 11th season episode "Bart To The Future" Bart and Ralph are not only roomates but bandmates as well. This couldn't happen because I don't think they let you start bands in prison or the assisted living home.

2. Bart's efforts to regain his sister's love
In both of the episodes I can remember (the other being "Future Drama") some issue arises between Bart and Lisa with Bart getting some benefit and Lisa being on the short end. In both cases Bart comes through to save the day and regain his sister's appreciation. While this tactic produced hilarious results in real Simpsons episodes ( like "Stark Raving Dad") keep in mind that their drama wasn't the ONLY plot point and future Bart (who like I said would probably be incarcerated) wouldn't be forced to live with Lisa and probably wouldn't give two shits about her predicaments.

3. Homer is alive
If you are trying to portray the future, you are doing so based upon the years of episodes that have forged some sort of pattern or predictability of character actions. With that in mind, Homer (who in most episodes is 38) won't make it to 40. This wouldn't bother me so much if Homer and Marge weren't divorced in "Future Drama" which would never happen if you follow the logic I just mentioned. My suggestion is to never ever make a flashforward episode again and just avoid the issue altogether. While you're at it, just stop making Zombie Simpsons period.

4. History
Just like with the flashback episodes, the flashforward episodes (minus "Lisa's Wedding") are completly and undebatably unwatchable. While watching these episodes I actually prayed to God that the commercials would get stuck in an infinite loop.

There you have it. If you add up my complaints from both part one and part two of this series, you will come to the same sobering conclusion I already have: This Sunday's episode will be terrrible. The extra 'r' is for rreally.

Simpsons vs. Zombie Simpsons

The above is a perfect example of the difference between Simpsons and Zombie Simpsons.  That is a screen grab from Season 7's "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming".  Bart and Lisa are in the airbase and the gate is closed; Homer and Marge are trying to get inside.  The shot pans down from the top of a razor wire fence and all we see is Marge bandaging Homer's hands while he says, "Okay, so we can't go over the fence."  That's it.  The whole thing takes four seconds, we know exactly what Homer did, and all we need to see is the aftermath.  

If this same gag were done in Zombie Simpsons (though for all I know it has been) it would take seven times as long, involve Homer shouting (first in defiance, then in pain) and end with "hilarious" amounts of blood.  Instead, a funny idea (Homer trying to climb a razor wire fence with his bare hands) is inserted quickly and subtley into the episode.  It doesn't become an action sequence in and of itself and things keep right on moving.  

This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say that Zombie Simpsons is "thin", the same way orange drink becomes thin if you water it down too much.  Zombie Simpsons plays for time, The Simpsons overflows with jokes.  

Quote of the Day

"Oh, hello Charles.  Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your Theory of Natural Selection." - C.M. Burns

"Glad to, Mr. Burns.  You see, every so often Mother Nature changes her animals giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs, or, in this case, a third eye." - An Actor Portraying Charles Darwin

End the Simpsons #4 - Cosmetic Consistency Has Its Limits

"Look at me - er ah - mom, I am - er ah - President Kennedy." - Homer Simpson

Just about any time someone writes an article praising The Simpsons for its longevity they'll mention what an advantage it is to be a cartoon.  The characters don't get any older (or wider) and so the show can be timeless.  In 1995 or even 2000 it was true; but these days it's a superficial and increasingly nonsensical point.  

The Simpsons has been on for so long now that the world itself has changed around them and as a result the characters no longer epitomize what they're supposed to be satirizing.  Homer and Marge are exquisitely crafted late model Baby Boomers; they came of age in the seventies and became adults in the eighties.  He's a union guy; she's a housewife; they have cranky World War II generation parents, they go to church out of a sense of duty and their kids lead unstructured, small town lives.  They are run of the mill late 1980s Americans, that is when they were created and that is the context in which they best fit.  

Homer and Marge are supposed to be in their mid to late thirties, but in 2009 real people who are in their mid to late thirties are Generation Xers.  They grew up on MTV and video games and they don't typically go to church; their kids go on play dates and it's their parents who are the Baby Boomers.  Yes, these are stereotypes and generalizations, but stereotypes and generalizations have always been The Simpsons stock in trade.  Are there still people like Homer and Marge?  Of course, but neither of them is the archetype they once were.  The Simpsons may not have aged but America did, and it takes increasinly zany nonsense to shoehorn old characters into modern situations. 

The show is on Season 20, but culturally speaking it's going to enter its fourth decade next year.  The characters can always be drawn the same way, but that doesn't keep them from showing their age.

Quote of the Day

"Homer, do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?" – Marge Simpson

"Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?" – Homer Simpson

"Earl Warren wasn't a stripper." – Marge Simpson

"Now who's being naive?" – Homer Simpson

Take this episode, please!

"It'll be great to see the old gang again, Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz." - Homer Simpson
"That was 'Happy Days'." - Marge Simpson
"No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back." - Homer Simpson

The next new Zombie Simpsons episode is less than a week away. The buzz seems to revolve around the fact that it will be in HD, but I don't care about that. I, like everyone else who is fortunate enough not to work for FOX, have not seen the episode yet, but I have read the summary and am confidant in saying that it will be as awful as anything else they've had the guts to air as of late. I am sure true Simpson's fans will not argue with me on this. Since the preview says this will be a flashback to flashforward episode I will, in a two part series, describe the reasons for my hatred of Zombie Simpsons episodes involving flash-anything.

The first part will focus on the flashback aspect of this on-screen defecation. There are four main reasons I take issue with the episodes that have used flashbacks in the last, say, 10 years. (ugh)

1. Unnecessary auxiliary character involvement.

All of the Zombie Simpsons episodes that involve flashbacks contain characters that have no place in Homer's life until adulthood. Lenny, Carl and Moe, I am looking at you. Get out of Homer's past and stay out. Barney, you can stay.

2. Unnecessary Homer info.

In high school, as well as before and after that, Homer was a loser and a slacker. He has no business running for class president, having a future in any sort of job, or anything else requiring forethought and competence. If you think back to his foray into the debate team, you will remember he mooned for rebuttal. The fact that he had any idea of the concept of the word 'rebuttal' almost stretches too far. (Even though I wouldn't change that scene for all the doughnuts in Springfield)

3. Unnecessary relationship drama.

In the episode "The Way We Was", Homer and Marge had some drama as they were starting their love life. Fine. That was hilarious. There is no need to further test their relationship with childhood kisses and near breakups in other flashback episodes. If you want to do that crap, do it in present time like a real man would.

4. History.

Every flashback episode since season 6's "And Maggie Makes Three" has been terrible. I don't know how many there are as I am not willing to do the research and I am sure that I have repressed the memory of most of them. But I assume they are as terrible as the ones I have seen. That's right "The Blunder Years", "The Way We Weren't" and "That 90's Show" were all terrible and anyone who says otherwise is a communist. There I said it.

The list will probably not look much different in part two of this series, but I feel better as creating it has been something of a cathartic exercise.

Only because I didn't mention it earlier, I would ask you all to watch "Lisa's First Word" and enjoy proper flashback usage.

Quote of the Day

"Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?  Taken together that excess blubber could fill the Grand Canyon two fifths of the way up.  That may not sound impressive but keep in mind it is a very big canyon." - Kent Brockman

Not Just a River in Egypt

"Lost your Dad?" - TV Announcer

"Uh-huh." - Lonely Boy

"He's not coming back, is he?" - TV Announcer

"He might." - Lonely Boy

"No, he's not." - TV Announcer

Go and read this thread over at tv.com.  It's only two pages, and a lot of it is box quotes, so it really won't take long.  

I'm serious.  

Finished?  Good.  That thread is an excellent example of what this particular blog is struggling against.  These unfortunate people are talking about 500 episodes like it's a good thing.  That's bad enough, but here's the kicker: 

A guy named simpsonian100 writes:

I hope the show improves and all the characters go back to their old ways. Bart has become too sensitive in the past few seasons, such as caring for that cow and being sad when Homer stole things as a fireman. Season 5 Bart would have thought that was so cool.

Fine sentiment, young lad.  I think I made it about halfway through that Fireman Homer episode before I lost interest, and . . . uh . . . "caring for that cow"?  Jebus, I'm glad I haven't seen that one.  But he's correct, when would Bart ever shame Homer into behaving like an adult?  Never.  And this guy wants the show to stay on another four seasons.  

Now, here's the really sad reply.  From cvjrbdjkasfi comes this directly after quoting simpsonian100:

Like when Bart stile [sic] Bonestorm, and was guilty about it? 

He means this like it's a comeback.  Like, "Oh really?  Well, what about this, it's from your precious old Simpsons and it's the same!"  I find it amusing that he cites Marge Be Not Proud because that is the "One Bad Episode" alluded to in the Manifesto.  More to the point though, this is a perfect illustration of the unfortunate realities of modern Simpsons fandom.  

There are basically two kinds of people who watch Zombie Simpsons, people who will admit that it's not as good as it used to be but watch it anyway, and people who think the old episodes are overrated.  The later group, personified here by cvjrbdjkasfi, is basically hopeless.  Either they're too young to really appreciate what the show once was or they're just dumb, or both.  

It's the former group, people like simpsonian100, that pains me though, because I was once one of them.  People have been talking about the show "improving" or getting back to form for more than a decade now, ever since things really went to hell starting in Season 8.  At some point you just have to accept that The Simpsons is over and it's never coming back.  

Quote of the Day

"Now, a lot of people are gonna be tellin' you you're crazy, and maybe they're right.  But the fact of the matter is, bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world." - Capt. Lance Murdoch

Quote of the Day

"See, I'm trying to teach me son here about treating women as objects." - Homer Simpson

"That's a good idea." - Strip Club Proprietor

Higher Resolution Shit is Still Shit

"I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here." - Homer Simpson

Zombie Simpons will be broadcast in high definition for the first time next Sunday.  Yesterday, Fox released the above as a promo image (I found it on Simpsons Channel).  For a cartoon "High Definition" apparently means adding a few shadows and a little bit of depth.  How revolutionary.

  

You know what kind of television shows really benefit from HD?  Sports programs, nature programs, and anything where very attractive people wear very little clothing.  I can watch it for days.  You know what kind of television doesn't benefit from HD?  Crudely drawn filler material.  Wooden exposition and Homer getting hurt will not be made any funnier by greater pixel density.  

Also, my wishes are already coming true:

As promised, there will be numerous references to the last 19 seasons dotted around the credits, replacing characters such as Jacques and Bleeding Gums Murphy who have forever been prominent in the show’s opening despite their deaths or lack of appearance.

That's right, cut all your ties to the past, become Zombie Simpsons utterly!  Soon your journey towards the dark side will be complete.

Elsewhere, I've read that this HD broadcast is a one off gimmick, no doubt tied to sweeps month, and it will revert back to normal for the next episode; if that's true it might bode well for this one.  The best parts of the movie were right at the beginning when they were making fun of their new format, so maybe they can squeeze in some jokes at HD's expense.  

Oh, who am I kidding?  The episode description at that Simpsons Channel link contains the words "magical tomato sauce".  

Quote of the Day

"What'd you get that for?" - Bart Simpson

"For knocking Mister Burns out of a third story window." - Homer Simpson

"Makes sense to me." - Bart Simpson

"Did he die?" - Lisa Simpson

"What am I, a doctor?" - Homer Simpson

Burn in Hell, News Corp

"Sir, bad news from accounting, the economy's hit us pretty hard." - Mr. Smithers

"Heh, tough times, huh?  I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics.  I'll survive this." - C.M. Burns

"Even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees." - Mr. Smithers

If our grim economic times are to have a silver lining, this might be it.  From The New York Times:

The News Corporation, the media empire controlled by Mr. Murdoch, said Thursday that it lost $6.4 billion in its second quarter as profit fell sharply at its television and movie units.

[...]

Reflecting a sharp downturn in advertising across the broadcast television industry, the company had its steepest drop in the television unit, where income fell to $18 million, from $245 million a year earlier.

Out of curiosity, I went to News Corporation's website and downloaded their earnings PDF where I found this little nugget:

At the FOX Broadcasting Company, second quarter operating results declined due to higher programming costs driven by an increase in license fees for returning series

I wonder if they're referring, at least in part, to the fact that Zombie Simpsons is reported to cost them a cool $2.4 million per episode - just for the six main voice actors.  By the way, the show has not yet been publicly renewed for a 21st season and, as we all know, a show does not need to be in production to produce lucrative merchandise.  

Quote of the Day

"Do the toilets go backwards in here?" - Bart Simpson

"No, to combat homesickness we've installed a device that makes them swirl the correct - American - way." - Amb. Avril Ward

End the Simpsons #3 - The Rise of Team Mischief

"Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart you'd see how sane he is." - Marge Simpson

"You mean there really is a Bart?  Good Lord!" - New Bedlam Psychiatrist

In the before time, in the long long ago, Homer and Bart Simpson didn't like each other.  Homer saw Bart as an ungrateful, undisciplined troublemaker who made his life harder than it needed to be; Bart saw Homer as a rather stern authority figure who was hypocritical, inattentive and downright mean.  Homer was a bad father and Bart a bad son, but they were stuck with each other and whatever moments of genuine affection that occurred between them were fleeting and infrequent.  They weren't outright adversaries, exactly, but they found themselves opposed to each other a lot more often than not.  

Gradually that changed; they became fellow travelers out to make a buck or have some fun.  Their relationship, which was once so recognizable to a lot of American fathers and American sons, became a television sketch that had no connection to reality: What wacky antics will the inseparable duo get up to this week?  

The tension that once existed between them, a tremendously rich comedy vein, has completely dissolved.  

Quote of the Day

"Where's Grandpa?  Wasn't he invited?" - Lisa Simpson

"Yeah, but his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it." - Bart Simpson

Simpsons Chewable Morphine

"You look familiar, sir.  Are you on the television or something?" - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

"Sorry buddy, you got me confused with Fred Flintstone." - Homer Simpson

I always enjoyed it when the show would make fun of the neverending parade of shoddy merchandise Fox would roll out to pad the margins.  But with this, I think they've crossed a kind of cosmic line of irony and self ignorance hitherto unknown to humanity.  The Simpsons put animation back into primetime two decades after The Flintstones went off the air and had the good sense to drop knowingly ironic references to it.  Of course, the show hit a chestnut tree years ago, but now it's poaching into The Flintstones last remaining merchandise: stupid vitamin supplements for kids.  America's children can now get rapid heartbeats from their Bart Simpson brand vitamins instead!  

Apparently this was a product tie-in for the movie two years ago, but either I didn't hear about it or just suppressed the memory until I found this press release this morning.  These ouroboroi of product tie ins are now coming to your local GNC.  And thus, the circle is complete.  

(Maybe this is why the show turned into Zombie Simpsons, they're listening to the tiny green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Fox's accounting department can see.) 

Quote of the Day

"Bart, I could kiss you, if the Bigger Brothers hadn't made me sign a form promising I wouldn't." - Tom

John Updike Didn't Watch Zombie Simpsons

Noted author John Updike died last week.  In 2000 he was a guest star in that excruciatingly bad episode where Krusty finds out he has a daughter and proceeds to get into a mob war over her violin.  (It didn't make any sense then, either.)  In April of 2001 Updike discussed his guest spot at a "meet the author" type event in Cincinnati; he also said this:

I used to watch The Simpsons faithfully until they changed the hour when it was shown, and it suddenly no longer fit with my domestic rhythm.  So I can't claim to be a morbidly avid fan, but I'm basically well disposed towards The Simpsons,

(Found via The New York Observer)

In case you were wondering, The Simpsons "changed the hour" (i.e. went from being on Thursdays to being back on Sundays) in 1994, between the fifth and sixth seasons.  So he bailed out a tad early, but not by much.  From this very limited evidence it is obvious that Updike never liked Zombie Simpsons, and would like to see it taken off the air.  If that is alright with him, please give us absolutely no sign.  

Quote of the Day

"What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man?" - C.M. Burns

Coincidentally, My House Is Made From Wood

"Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!" - Troy McClure

Earlier today the season 12 episode "Lisa the Tree Hugger" was on, and since I was out of beer and dinner wouldn't be ready for 30 minutes, I decided to watch it. I remember watching this episode when it first came on; I don't remember when that was or what it was about other than Lisa taking up a cause in an non-hilarious way. For those of you who haven't seen it and hopefully won't watch it, it turns out Lisa falls for a good looking, free spirited level five vegan and ends up living in some giant redwood to protest its removal. It was as funny as it sounds.

The episode had a couple good jokes, most notably when Lou says "You gotta love what you do chief" after shooting a bean bag bazooka at some protester and when Moe says "Well, I Ain't never said no to a dead girl yet..." But after that it was shit. Guest star Joshua Jackson, who apparently was on Dawson's Creek (which apparently earned you a guest spot on The Simpsons 8 years ago) sounded like he was reading the script for the first time and was as unsure about it then as I am now. Also the log song in the end may have been the most disgraceful thing I have seen since I watched the CSPAN coverage of the tobacco execs telling Congress that nicotine isn't addictive.

This is obviously not the first episode in which Lisa takes up one of those earth friendly causes that if successful would seriously impede my chosen way of life. In season 7 Lisa decides to become a vegetarian and hilarity followed as she discovered you can't force your poorly researched and gut-driven decisions on those of us who prefer the taste of blood to that of cellulose. (Fuck you PETA) I would recommend you watch that episode instead of this one, because not only was it funnier in all ways, Lisa's beliefs also get their comeupins.

On a closing note, for all you hippies and tree huggers talking bad about me under your breath for not supporting vegetarianism, animal protection or environmental stewardship, I have only this to say: The next time you think about lecturing someone on how the melting icecaps are going to kill the polar bears, I want you to go to the north pole, stand around awhile, and see how those bears thank you. They have a neat way of doing it.

Quote of the Day

"But that's Michelangelo's David; it's a masterpiece." – Marge Simpson

"It's filth!  It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil." – Helen Lovejoy

Simpsonized Simpsons

"If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister!  And then, our kids, they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites and five fingers on each hand!" - Homer Simpson

That Simpsonizer website is the best thing real fans got out of that mostly crappy movie; I hope they never take it down.  And so, for no reason whatsoever, I put images of the Simpsons themselves into the Simpsonizer.  

Presented without further comment.  

Quote of the Day

"You know, sometimes even I'd rather be watching football.  Does St. Louis still have a team?" – God

"No, they moved to Phoenix." – Homer Simpson

"Oh yeah." - God