Put Down The Glass Dick

"Let's just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs." - Homer Simpson

I have been perusing some of my favorite Simpsons forums in the last few days and for the most part the responses to last Sunday's Zombie Simpsons have been par for the season. Most people can't express enough love for the new episodes, a few are satisfied but have some complaints, and even fewer seem to hate them enough to qualify for membership in DHS. What I have been seeing that bothers me is an increase in comments that express a desire to see even more of the crap that has ruined this show over the years. Seriously people, has the crack epidemic picked up again? Is FOX spiking the world's water supply? What drugs are you people doing that forces you to post this garbage on the internet for everyone to see? For example, the user 'Simpsonfloyd' on nohomers.net states

The parson could even become for Lovejoy waht (sic) Chalmers is for Skinner That would be interesting

First of all it wouldn't. Unless you mean interesting like having your face mauled by a bear. Then it would. That singing bastard almost cost me sex with my wife for a month. Second of all, that is the kind of thing that ruined the fucking show! We don't need any more characters! Throw away characters are fine, but they almost always end up becoming regulars. Why is Disco Stu not only in most episodes but in the fucking opening?!? The same goes for the octuplets and for that matter Gil. Also, and I am sure I am not the first bird to sing this song, Gil is an absolutely appalling replacement for the many characters of the late Phil Hartman. In fact every time I see Gil in an episode I get the feeling Mr. Hartman is crying in rich man heaven. But I digress.

Well, that user's comment covers the addition of new characters, but as long as were are talkin' crazy, let me add to the list of things I assume people like Simpsonfloyd would love to see:

1. Homer Crying more often. 20 seconds an episode just ain't going to do it. In fact let's see if Homer can cry for the duration of an entire episode sometime.

2. More story shows. There is nothing like a good episode where the family ends up in a library or something and retells famous stories with them in place of the orignal characters. Man that's good TV.

3. Less Scenes in the power plant. Back in the first 10 seasons of the show Homer spent an inordinate amount of time at work. While it was sometimes funny, it wasn't that funny and it encourages countries like France to rely on nuclear power. Homer may get fired almost every episode nowadays, but can't we just pretend he never worked there at all? The planet and the Country's funny bones will thank you.

4. More B-list celebrities. We've been doing a good job avoiding the A-listers this season with the likes of Mark Cuban, Emily Blunt and Will Shortz, but let's really go for it folks! I say we get some guests like Craig Ferguson, Kathy Griffen, or the guy that played Bud on the series "Married With Children." I bet he'd do it for free!

I can't do this anymore, my soul hurts. Anyway, I would like to request that you Zombie fans lay off the pipe for a few weeks and see if you still want to see such nonsense every Sunday night. I think you'll be surprised.

Matt Groening's a little confused

“Matt Groening? What’s he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.” - Homer Simpson

We just caught wind that Matt Groening was interviewed last week by the folks over at the A.V. Club. In the interview, Mr. Groening revealed his insights into the past and future of animation and humor, while pontificating about the meaning of heaven and earth. Well, he didn’t really discuss the last bit so much, but he did offer some choice words for critics of Zombie Simpsons, with which we naturally take issue. To wit:

“The criticism of the show, that it’s not as good as the show you remember when you were 9 years old, is probably true, but then no show is as good as the one you thought was probably the greatest when you were 9 years old. It’s the nature of comparing something to the thing you loved the most at the time. If the show had been cancelled after five seasons, it would be forgotten.”

Challenge. I was one of those 9-year-olds that grew up with the show. While I watched The Simpsons back then and was entertained by it on a baser level, it wasn’t until later in high school when I appreciated the show for what it was: a dense, multi-faceted comedy that rewarded thoughtful viewers with sharp, intelligent humor. At age 9, I thoroughly enjoyed the show’s slapstick tendencies and occasional puerile jokes (Buttzilla, anyone?) since the cultural references usually flew over my head. As I grew up, I fell in love with the show as subtle allusions to classic literature, film, and pop culture revealed themselves, while the edgy social satire suddenly made sense. This had the effect of making The Simpsons even richer; it was the show that kept on giving. Imagined nostalgia and hollow sentiment have nothing to do with why I love the first eight or so seasons. And I speak for all of us here at the Dead Homer Society when I say they will be treasured, not forgotten.

The bearded one continues:

“If The Simpsons came on now, having never been seen before, with those original episodes, I don’t think anyone would give them a second look, because they’re so crude and primitive in their execution. But like I said, styles change, and all I ask of critics—of online critics of the show that say ‘Oh, it hasn’t been good since season X’—is that, in the opinion of people who work on the show, that’s simply not true. I’m not saying that every episode is better than the previous, but I’m saying that to completely out-of-hand condemn a decade of the show is a very easy position to take, and the fact is, the show has done absolutely brilliant stuff consistently throughout its history. Like I said, I’m not defending every single joke in every single episode, but if we didn’t like what we were doing, we wouldn’t keep doing it.”

Admittedly, the original episodes were “crude and primitive in their execution” - no argument there. Then again, I would expect an episode produced in 2009 to look better than one produced in 1989. Aesthetics aside, the episodes in the first couple seasons were still well-written and the characters endearing, effortlessly setting the stage for the brilliance that characterized later seasons. The impact those seasons had on viewers is indelible and their critical reception is well-deserved. It’s a tough act to consistently prolong year after year.

While I can sense Mr. Groening’s brooding frustration at those who damn a body of work because of a few bad instances, I don’t think the show’s most sober critics are doing that. We're not that simple-minded. It is disingenuous, however, to say that the show has “absolutely done brilliant stuff consistently throughout its history.” No way. It is a complete lack of consistency that is the hallmark of Zombie Simpsons. Plots have become lazier, gags cruder. Venerable characters have been redefined after years of careful development (notably, Homer’s perplexing transformation from oafish, loving father to obnoxious, injury-prone jackass), a perfect foil for the insufferable and foolish cavalcade of celebrity guest stars. The show that has, for all intents and purposes, defined modern comedy has slipped into the conventions that it used to boldly and routinely reject.

Accepting Zombie Simpsons for what it is, let’s go ahead take Mr. Groening’s assertion at face value, that is, the folks who work on the show continue to enjoy what they do and that’s why they keep doing it. Well, duh. Talk about an an easy ad hominem argument, which in the face of declining viewership and social relevance makes even less sense. It still prints money for those involved, but really, how fat do your coffers need to be?

Listen, none of us would be complaining if the show had soldiered on with contemporary ideas and quality intact. But, as Mr. Groening implies, it’s not reasonable to expect that. We agree. Twenty years is an eternity in television. We've been insistent that Zombie Simpsons as is bears little resemblance to the show that preceded it. So either fix it (improbable, now that we're fumbling through the twentieth season), call it something else (pointless - a spade's a spade), or just let it die. We've been happily endorsing the latter option and not just out of empty, callous spite. There’s simply no shame in admitting when enough’s enough.

Oh, and Matt - you have an open and standing invitation to speak with us whenever you’d like.

If You Stop Praising It, Maybe They'll Let It Die

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers!" - Kent Brockman

I still have not watched last night's Zombie Simpsons episode, but I did spend the first 2 hours of my workday reading reviews on various fan sites. If I were 8 years old, obscenely gullible, or a high school student from a Detroit public school, I would run home right now to watch it as it was apparently good.

No, not just good:

"I claim this as a New Classic!" - Gatorgod (nohomers.net)
Super, lemme get AMC on the phone.

"finaly they are making weekly eppisodes again. hopefully their ratings will soon improve." - nick-tick-97 (simpsonschannel.com)

My money says your typing does first.

"aw, what the heck. 5/5." - thardin (nohomers.net)
That's the spirit!

"I liked it better than the previous one?" - Godfrey (nohomers.net)
Wait, are they holding a gun to your head while you read from that card?!?

"one of the funniest shows evert to exist! i cant belive that its been around for over 30 years! !" - animemaster0x70 (tv.com)
For some reason I cant either...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to watch this episode tonight, or ever for that matter. The more I read about it the more I feel I don't need to watch it; the painful Homer injury scenes, Lenny and Carl gay jokes, Ned acting as more than a doormat plotlines, Marge commenting on some stupid thing and then holding it in her hand scenes, and Maggie doing more than being a baby situations are materializing in my head already.

I also read that there is a Homer commiting suicide scene. I guess they are out of things with which to burn, hit, electrocute, stab, flatten, smash, shoot, run over, or chew on him. It was bound to happen.

Mmmmm, That's Good Synergy

"You looken sharpen todayen mein Herr." - Mr. Smithers

There isn't much point in posting a review of a television show that's already been broadcast, but that didn't stop the good people over at IGN from sucking up to their superiors.  Their disturbingly obsequious review was written by one Robert Canning.  To give you an idea of where he's coming from, the only post on his "blog" at IGN is an about statement that has the following two sentences right next to each other:

The Simpsons should never die. (Well, not never, but not for a while)
I'm strangely attracted to Bonnie Hunt.

I don't think I can add anything to that, but I can rework his review into something with a modicum of dignity and honesty.  Enjoy.  

March 2, 2009 - Some of the best episodes of The Simpsons are focused on events at Springfield Elementary, and "How The Test Was Won" is no a massive, glaring exception. This was a smart dimwitted, very funny tedious half hour that proved you can't write off this television stalwart simply because it's been on the air for 20 years.

In a delightful nod to some other great, historic television programs, this episode's couch bit traveled through time showing the Simpson clan in some very famous roles while killing a lot of time. It started with The Honeymooners and stopped at The Dick Van Dyke Show (Homer tripped over the ottoman), The Brady Bunch (Lisa got hit in the nose), and at a bar called Cheers. In a very smart and funny an utterly predictable bit that's been done before, Sideshow Bob walked into the bar. Bob, of course, is voiced by Kelsey Grammer, who sat on those famous bar stools as Dr. Fraser Crane.

But a great time waster couch bit doesn't always mean a great time waster episode. Thankfully, this week's outing lived up to the opening, and was equally boring.  Springfield Elementary announced to the student body that they would be participating in the Vice-Presidential Assessment Test. (Nelson: "He stinks!") Since this test determines the amount of federal funding the school would receive, Superintendent Chalmers concocted a scheme to get rid of the school's underperformers. At first, I thought noticed this plot seemed too similar is identical to what happened in "Whacking Day," when Principal Skinner locked the bullies and Bart in the utility basement to have them out of the way during one of Chalmer's inspections. But "How The Test Was Won" took the idea in a different direction and nothing felt retread or repurposed, made me wish I was watching "Whacking Day" instead. Here, Chalmers got the school bullies, Ralph and Bart on Otto's bus (disguised as a helicopter, no less for some reason) and then tricked Principal Skinner into getting on board as well, for some other reason.

The rest of the episode followed the adventure of random, pointless events that happen to Skinner and the "superstars" as they were being shipped off to Capital City for the day for yet another unknown reason. This was classic Zombie Simpsons. Some of the most memorable episodes of the series have involved Skinner mismatched with some students in extraordinary genuinely humorous situations ("Skinner's Sense of Snow" "Team Homer", "Separate Vocations" and "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" to name two three.) Laughs Paroxysms of boredom came from all directions, including Bart's taunting, Skinner's horror at realizing their location ("My God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard!") and even from Otto's ever-present buzz. But the biggest laugh cheapest, most contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke came when Ralph needed to stop for a bathroom break. While at the urinal, Ralph sang a long, repetitive portion of The Spice Girls' "Wannabe." Then, when Skinner told him to hurry up and finish, Ralph stated, "I finished before we came in." I'm throwing this scene in as a contender for a top ten Ralph Wiggum moment list of reasons from this episode alone that Zombie Simpsons should've gone off the air ten years ago.     

The rest of the episode was equally entertaining bland. Back at the testing, Lisa was drawing a blank. Chalmers had a great line here another contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke when he approached the troubled girl: "Like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere. But like T.J. Hooker, I say what's on my mind." While the test taking was actually a small part of the episode, the anxiety of Chalmers, Lisa and the rest of the kids offered up a good number of chuckles opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Homer's incoherent slapstick storyline was also very funny boring. In what could have just been the usual style of weak filler, having Homer uninsured until 3:00 p.m. was a smart choice that and loaded the episode with some great visuals time killing garbage. Early on, we were given a montage of Homer getting hurt. Again, this is something the series has done before and it worried me that the episode might just be proved again that it's just repeating itself. But when Homer ended the overlong montage with, "What a week," you could tell this was actually going somewhere sadly, the best they can do. The story thing ended at Marge's book club, where Homer did a hilarious, slow-motion job of keeping everyone safe. Well, except for Mr. Burns. It's a sequence you have to see to truly enjoy comprehend the vapidity.

The very ending didn't quite lived up to what preceded it, but at least it tied a few things together. Skinner realized there was more to teaching than testing and he called off the federal exam exposited ad nauseam about it. This freed Lisa from failing the test brought a merciful end to another subplot no one cared about. Tidy Ham fisted, but and not very funny. And I could have done without the Footloose-referencing extended dance scene with Chalmers. But those are minor issues in an episode that had me laughing from the beginning to (almost) the end many major ones.

NASCAR Cannot Save You

TV by the Numbers has yesterday's ratings up and when I set the over/under at 6.5 million people I was almost dead on.  NASCAR ran long, so Zombie Simpsons couldn't crawl out of the dirt until after eight thirty.  At that time "Post Race/Simpsons" drew 6.713 million people, at 9:00 "Simpsons/King of the Hill" declined to 6.316.  That averages out to just over 6.5 million, but either number is hearteningly low, especially considering that NASCAR is a strong lead in, with 12.5 million people watching at 8:00pm.  Zombie Simpsons hasn't cracked 7 million people since November and the ratings are down about a million people from where they were at a similar time last year.  Excellent.  

Upon Further Reflection, This Still Sucks

"Noooooooooo!" - Principal Skinner

I was expecting Zombie Simpsons to get picked up for another season; epguides.com already has episodes listed for next fall and since each craptacular one supposedly takes a whole year to produce it stood to reason that Season 21 was a forgone conclusion.  But the news yesterday that they were being picked up for two more seasons was like a second, unexpected, football in the groin.  According to some of those links this will push them to 493 episodes.  493!  Of which less than a third are actually up to snuff.  

Admittedly, I am no expert on the television industry, but the ratings have been historically low for a couple of years now, and the heavily promoted HD episode didn't do much to change that.  Granted, network viewership itself is trending downwards and has been for some time, but in all my years basking in television's warm glowing warming glow I cannot think of a single other show that managed to linger the way Zombie Simpsons has.  Any other show that slumped this badly and this publicly would've gotten canned after a year or two.  I suppose I could look on it as a testament to the enduring quality of the original seasons, but the comfort went out of that little fib long ago.  

The senseless renewal is particularly grating coming the same week that Futurama went out on a high note.  On Tuesday I was entertaining fantasies that they'd follow the same path.  Wrap it up with Season 21 then maybe do another movie or two to finish things.  For all its flaws, especially the last forty minutes or so, The Simpsons Movie was better than most of Zombie Simpsons, and a sequel or two would have to be more profitable than another season of five million dollar episodes that only six million people watch.   

Oh well.  Zombie Simpsons has been on for far longer than The Simpsons ever was, what's another season or two?  

Filling the Jar

"Oh, fudge, that's broken.  Fiddle-dee-dee, that will require a tetanus shot." - Homer Simpson

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Fuck.  

Simpsons Evolutionary Theroy Part 1: From Homer to Punching Bag

"Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks." - C. Montgomery Burns

I think it is fair to say that the principles behind natural selection and evolution can be applied to televisions shows. The Simpsons was once a great show, and then it wasn't so good, and then bad, and now even worse. With each episode representing an intermediate in the evolutionary chain that is The Simpsons, we can compare episode traits from different parts of the lineage to hopefully figure out what the hell went wrong, and maybe try to reason why this series won't die. Today I will focus on the needless physical comedy that has made its way into Homer's life.

I think I can do this with only three examples. In these examples we will see a distinct change; the occasional physical harm Homer suffers will go from an afterthought to the main source of Simpsons jokes. My first example comes from season 4, "Brother From The Same Planet ". In the end of this episode Homer gets into a fist fight with Tom, Bart's 'Bigger Brother'. The fight ends when Homer is knocked out and falls backwards over a fire hydrant. It lasts all of a few seconds, it is only punctuated with one witty remark, and then it is over. This is an appropriate use of physical comedy.

The second example comes from season 8, "Homer's Phobia". At the end of this episode Homer and Bart are trapped in a reindeer farm. As the reindeer get ready to trample them, Homer holds Bart up over his head, as to save his son from certain doom. The Reindeer pummel Homer for a little while before the rest of the crew saves the pair. In this example, you can see that the physical pain lasts a little longer and is accompanied by an extra line or two ("Homer you feel softer than before" "I've been tenderized") as opposed to just a single phrase from Homer. The scene was still relevant, but you wouldn't have seen it a few seasons before.

Finally we can look at modern day, or as we say, Zombie Simpsons. There are way too many examples from which to choose, so to make this example as accessible as possible I will use a scene from The Simpsons Movie. This particular scene was even in the trailer (a statement unto itself?). I am, of course, speaking of the thirty seconds or so that Homer spent on the wrecking ball. Here we see a physical scene that was completely unnecessary, wayyy too long, and more than physically impossible. On top of that, they should have shelled out the extra few bucks to make the building a Hard Rock Cafe as opposed to just something named A Hard Place, but I digress.

This evolutionary end-product could have been from a number of crappy episodes of late, and that makes me wonder what is keeping this premise in the show? It is clearly detracting from the entertainment value, but it just won't go away. One theory I have is people feel that since its The Simpsons, and it's in its 20th season, we just have to accept that the physical comedy is here. But a more likely theory it is that the fan base that has been added during the last ten years or so doesn't know that there was a before time, a long-long ago, where this wasn't the case. Homer's evolution into slapstick wouldn't have been noticed by those watching religiously now, and therefore is a trait that would not have been de-selected, which leaves us with what we have today.

One last point: I know you are all thinking "What about 'Bart the Daredevil'! Homer fell down the cliff twice!" And you are right to do so. This episode would appear to be a wrench in my explanation, but consider this: That episode was based on physical comedy in general, not just Homer getting needlessly beaten. A Zombie Simpsons episode with the same basic plot line would not have had Captain Lance Murdock or Bart get hurt, but would have had their actions injure Homer in some way. I guarantee it.

This Is Not a Personal Attack

"That was the worst movie I've ever seen." - Principal Skinner

I do not know anything about Don Payne, who is credited, if that is the right word, as the main writer of last week's flash-back, conspiracy theory, magic tomato sauce mess.  He might be a great guy; he might be an asshole.  I don't have an opinion either way, nor do I care.  I do know that on his IMDb page he is credited, if that is the right word, with having written My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Fantastic Four 2.  I've never seen the former, though I've heard bad things, but the Silver Surfer movie was unwatchable.  Mad Jon and I got through it with a very big assist from Rifftrax, but even with Nelson, Murphy and Corbett we came close to just turning it off several times.  It is that bad.  Embedding was disabled on YouTube, so if you want to torture yourself, go here and click "Watch Sample" to see some of what you're not missing.

Then I found this "local boy makes good" article in the Wilmington Star-News.  Setting aside the "Wildcats" thing, there is this troubling passage from the end:

Though film remains his passion, he loves being a part of the “Simpsons” universe. Besides, it can’t last that much longer, right?

“Right now I’m thinking, eh, two more years,” Payne said. “But who knows?”

First of all, film is his passion . . . and he wrote those movies?  More importantly, two more years?  What an unpleasant thought.  

To be fair, his Wikipedia page (citing an earlier interview with the Star-News), has his favorite episodes listed as "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge", "Lisa's Substitute", "Like Father, Like Clown", "Marge vs. the Monorail", "The Simpsons Spin-off Showcase", and "Behind the Laughter".  That's a pretty solid list, but it doesn't make "Take My Life, Please" any less crappy nor abrogate responsibility for the dialogue in Fantastic Four 2.  

C'mon Nielsen households, sweeps is in March this year.  I'm not asking you to do anything radical like turn off your television; I'm just saying, you can probably find something better on at 8:00pm on Sundays.   

Some Brit thinks he's like Homer Simpson

In a recent case of life imitating Zombie Simpsons, 26-year old Englishman Ricky Hodgkinson was tried in court after shocking himself with a taser he purchased for £100. John Walker, Hodgkinson’s lawyer, likened his client to Homer Simpson before a panel of magistrates. Hodgkinson agreed, remarking “I am a bit like Homer Simpson, it was a stupid thing to do really.”

While I’m amused at the absurdity of the situation, I also take issue with the implication that Homer has always been, well, a complete idiot. Classic Homer was certainly prone to acts of questionable intelligence, but he would never intentionally inflict cartoonish acts of violence upon himself. These sorts of shenanigans and cheap gags are almost exclusively the domain of Zombie Homer, the creation of writers who are more interested in one-dimensional filler instead of something truly clever and worthy of the show. That the past twelve seasons of Zombie Simpsons are now representative of The Simpsons proper to general public is a sad development.

Getting rid of Zombie Simpsons isn’t a selfish act that only true Simpsons fans can appreciate; indeed, society will be a better place for losing this nonsense. In the meantime, we have this to learn from Hodgkinson’s shining example: don’t do what Zombie Simpsons does.

(via The Telegraph)

Still Shitty

"Are we hot?" - Homer Simpson

"We are not." - Principal Skinner

I was a little worried that the HD thing (and the attendant promotion) might give Zombie Simpsons a nice ratings number.  My fears were unfounded:

While Take My Wife [sic], Please did not break new lows, it received a total of 6.82 million viewers. It is the third least watched episode of the season but the best ratings since November, which is an improvement at least.

Being the best since November isn't much of an accomplishment since there have only been two episodes in that time and as recently as two years ago this show was routinely pulling two million more viewers.  

This was only the tenth episode of the season so if they're going to get to twenty there ought to be a lot of new ones coming relatively soon.  They aren't bothering to compete with the Oscars next Sunday, but there's already one scheduled for March 1st.  Starting from March 1st there are thirteen Sundays until Memorial Day Weekend.  If they're going to get to twenty that means that there's a maximum of three Sundays unpolluted by Zombie Simpsons between now and then. 

Brace yourselves and hope for low ratings.  

Worth 1,000 Words

In the original opening Homer flees his wife's car and belts out his iconic scream.  In the new opening he gets hit by the car and crashes through the wall, Looney Tunes style.  No further comment required.  

Well There Went My Weekend

"This is the worst thing you've ever done." - Marge Simpson
"You say that so much it's lost all meaning." - Homer Simpson

*sigh*

There it is, the first episode of Simpsons in HD. It may have been the format, or maybe the six pack I drank in nervous anticipation, but that episode just felt wrong. Not wrong like a shirt that shrunk in the wash, or wrong like putting ketchup on ice cream, it fell wrong like paying your grandma to let you watch your grandpa take a bath. Luckily my wife suggested that we Tivo it so we could fast forward through the commercials and lessen the torture by seven or eight minutes. I will admit though, I did throw up in my mouth a little when I pushed the record button.

I have an envelope back filled with disgusting and downright dangerous things I was planing to say about that episode, but I am not going to. It became clear to me that I am going to need to spread them out as future Zombie Simpsons will be similarly as pointless as this on was.

I do have a few specific points I would like to make about this episode however. First, I was clearly too late warning the writers to stop including Homer's present day friends in the past. Lenny and Carl just keep losing my respect. Second, Burns should not be in an episode if they aren't going to use him for a diabolical or life-crushing reason. Third, the only thing I could think of that was meant to be funny was when Bart asked if he could have a "virgin Tom Collins" and Homer makes a comment about how virgin drinks are for girls; the only people who would find that funny are too young to know what a virgin drink is.

There is no episode I wish to recommend to wash that taste out of your mouth. I would hate for any residual disgrace to transfer to a classic episode. Instead I recommend you do what I did, which is smoke two cigarettes and take three shots of Five 'o Clock gin. That'll do it.

No Seriously, Take it!

"Oh come on Edna! We both know these children have no future!!" - Seymour Skinner

In the second part of my two part series chronicling my hatred of Zombie Simpsons episodes involving time shifts, I will address the failures of episodes with a flashforward premise. As I warned in the end of part one, there will be some similarities in this post. If you think I am just being lazy (which I do not deny), try this exercise: Make a list of reasons you think the shit your dog took this morning was gross, then make a list of reasons why the shit your dog will take tonight will be gross. You may be pleasantly surprised. Now that you have a better understanding of what I am dealing with, let us get to my complaints with flashforward Zombie Simpsons episodes.

One other point of note, there are only a couple of these episodes. This may be a result of the writers realizing how bad the episodes would be, but that would be a bit optimistic on my part.

1. Impossible team ups.
In the 11th season episode "Bart To The Future" Bart and Ralph are not only roomates but bandmates as well. This couldn't happen because I don't think they let you start bands in prison or the assisted living home.

2. Bart's efforts to regain his sister's love
In both of the episodes I can remember (the other being "Future Drama") some issue arises between Bart and Lisa with Bart getting some benefit and Lisa being on the short end. In both cases Bart comes through to save the day and regain his sister's appreciation. While this tactic produced hilarious results in real Simpsons episodes ( like "Stark Raving Dad") keep in mind that their drama wasn't the ONLY plot point and future Bart (who like I said would probably be incarcerated) wouldn't be forced to live with Lisa and probably wouldn't give two shits about her predicaments.

3. Homer is alive
If you are trying to portray the future, you are doing so based upon the years of episodes that have forged some sort of pattern or predictability of character actions. With that in mind, Homer (who in most episodes is 38) won't make it to 40. This wouldn't bother me so much if Homer and Marge weren't divorced in "Future Drama" which would never happen if you follow the logic I just mentioned. My suggestion is to never ever make a flashforward episode again and just avoid the issue altogether. While you're at it, just stop making Zombie Simpsons period.

4. History
Just like with the flashback episodes, the flashforward episodes (minus "Lisa's Wedding") are completly and undebatably unwatchable. While watching these episodes I actually prayed to God that the commercials would get stuck in an infinite loop.

There you have it. If you add up my complaints from both part one and part two of this series, you will come to the same sobering conclusion I already have: This Sunday's episode will be terrrible. The extra 'r' is for rreally.

Take this episode, please!

"It'll be great to see the old gang again, Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz." - Homer Simpson
"That was 'Happy Days'." - Marge Simpson
"No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle, or the night I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back." - Homer Simpson

The next new Zombie Simpsons episode is less than a week away. The buzz seems to revolve around the fact that it will be in HD, but I don't care about that. I, like everyone else who is fortunate enough not to work for FOX, have not seen the episode yet, but I have read the summary and am confidant in saying that it will be as awful as anything else they've had the guts to air as of late. I am sure true Simpson's fans will not argue with me on this. Since the preview says this will be a flashback to flashforward episode I will, in a two part series, describe the reasons for my hatred of Zombie Simpsons episodes involving flash-anything.

The first part will focus on the flashback aspect of this on-screen defecation. There are four main reasons I take issue with the episodes that have used flashbacks in the last, say, 10 years. (ugh)

1. Unnecessary auxiliary character involvement.

All of the Zombie Simpsons episodes that involve flashbacks contain characters that have no place in Homer's life until adulthood. Lenny, Carl and Moe, I am looking at you. Get out of Homer's past and stay out. Barney, you can stay.

2. Unnecessary Homer info.

In high school, as well as before and after that, Homer was a loser and a slacker. He has no business running for class president, having a future in any sort of job, or anything else requiring forethought and competence. If you think back to his foray into the debate team, you will remember he mooned for rebuttal. The fact that he had any idea of the concept of the word 'rebuttal' almost stretches too far. (Even though I wouldn't change that scene for all the doughnuts in Springfield)

3. Unnecessary relationship drama.

In the episode "The Way We Was", Homer and Marge had some drama as they were starting their love life. Fine. That was hilarious. There is no need to further test their relationship with childhood kisses and near breakups in other flashback episodes. If you want to do that crap, do it in present time like a real man would.

4. History.

Every flashback episode since season 6's "And Maggie Makes Three" has been terrible. I don't know how many there are as I am not willing to do the research and I am sure that I have repressed the memory of most of them. But I assume they are as terrible as the ones I have seen. That's right "The Blunder Years", "The Way We Weren't" and "That 90's Show" were all terrible and anyone who says otherwise is a communist. There I said it.

The list will probably not look much different in part two of this series, but I feel better as creating it has been something of a cathartic exercise.

Only because I didn't mention it earlier, I would ask you all to watch "Lisa's First Word" and enjoy proper flashback usage.

End the Simpsons #3 - The Rise of Team Mischief

"Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart you'd see how sane he is." - Marge Simpson

"You mean there really is a Bart?  Good Lord!" - New Bedlam Psychiatrist

In the before time, in the long long ago, Homer and Bart Simpson didn't like each other.  Homer saw Bart as an ungrateful, undisciplined troublemaker who made his life harder than it needed to be; Bart saw Homer as a rather stern authority figure who was hypocritical, inattentive and downright mean.  Homer was a bad father and Bart a bad son, but they were stuck with each other and whatever moments of genuine affection that occurred between them were fleeting and infrequent.  They weren't outright adversaries, exactly, but they found themselves opposed to each other a lot more often than not.  

Gradually that changed; they became fellow travelers out to make a buck or have some fun.  Their relationship, which was once so recognizable to a lot of American fathers and American sons, became a television sketch that had no connection to reality: What wacky antics will the inseparable duo get up to this week?  

The tension that once existed between them, a tremendously rich comedy vein, has completely dissolved.  

I'd Rather Watch the Dryer Channel

"I lost to Channel Ocho?  What the hell is that?" - Krusty the Klown

Good news everybody, that abortion last Sunday was the least watched Zombie Simpsons ever:

An extended mid-season break has bitten The Simpsons dearly in the ratings, with Sundays episode ‘Lisa The Drama Queen’ fetching just 5.75 million viewers at 8:00pm, a new all time low for the show.

Huzzah.  But wait, there's more!  How about some insult to go with that injury?

a new American Dad scored 5.73 million viewers at 9.30.

American Dad?  A first run Simpsons episode is just as interesting to people as Family Guy's recycled afterbirth?  It's too bad that the people keeping Zombie Simpsons on the air have no remaining shame or they might be embarrassed.  

Ah well, a good sign nevertheless.  Unprofitability here we come!  

End the Simpsons #2 - Think of the Children!

"Hey, when I was your age fifty cents was a lot of money." - Homer Simpson

"Really?" - Bart Simpson

"Nah." - Homer Simpson

One of the many horrible side effects of the fact that there hasn't been a genuine Simpsons episode in more than a decade is that we are now raising a generation of Simpsons cripples.  Anyone born after the late 1980s didn't become old enough to really appreciate the show until well after it'd fallen on hard times.  These days even the syndication runs are so polluted with Zombie Simpsons and its semi-lifeless forbearers that a decent appreciation of the classics needs to be deliberately sought out or instilled.  

For example, I have a bunch of nieces and nephews ranging in age from six to thirteen; they all like watching The Simpsons.  But they have a hard time distinguishing real Simpsons from Zombie Simpsons.  When I get out my laptop at family gatherings and queue up some of the classics they'll sit there, riveted to the screen, and laugh out loud.  They TiVo the syndicated episodes at home, but until I started showing them the original seasons they had hardly seen any of those episodes.  To them, The Simpsons is just another television show; there was never a time in their lives when it stood head and shoulders above everything else.  

Of course, the last thing any kid wants to hear from a grown up is some variation of, "In my day . . . we walked uphill to school/folks was tougher/Simpsons didn't suck."  I haven't found a way to break through that; maybe there isn't one.  That would be a pity because it would mean that the existence of Zombie Simpsons not only tarnishes a part of my upbringing, but it spoils what should be a cultural treasure for them as well.  

I'm not too worried though; as they get older they'll be able to tell shit from Shinola.  

End The Simpsons #1 - The Less Than Seamless Opening

"Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons." – Lisa Simpson  
"Well, we cut corners; sometimes to save money our animators will reuse the same backgrounds over and over and over again." – Roger Myers Jr.

There are often jarring incongruities in Zombie Simpsons.  Stories twist and turn, characters jump in and out of scenes, exposition and repetition destroy anything that could be called flow.  You never know what you're going to get, you just know that it's probably going to be shitty.  However, there is one jarring incongruity that is as reliable and neverending as the renewal of the show.    

The opening sequence, panning over the nuclear plant, into the school, and then all over town, hasn't changed since about 1990.  Unfortunately, the couch gag has to be produced anew all the time and it looks nothing like rest of the opening.  (Bart's chalkboard message is a little out of place as well, but it's not nearly as bad.)  The opening is old school from "The Simpsons" chorus through Homer's scream as he escapes the car hole and then – bang – it's semi-CGI time for the latest couch gag.  As if that weren't off putting enough, it goes back to being old school during the television credits for Groening, Brooks and Simon (praise be their names).

I've seen that opening sequence (and heard that song) many thousands of times by now; I'm conditioned like one of Pavlov's dogs to expect excellence when it ends.  Then the couch gag pops up and I'm ripped back into the harsh, clumsy reality of Zombie Simpsons.  It's like being the Memento guy; right when I wake up I don't remember that my wife is gone, but the cost of those precious seconds of hopeful naivete is having the pain always be as sharp as if it were still fresh.  

Lisa Wastes Her Time And Mine

I have a few questions that remain unanswered about that episode...

1. Other than needing a plot idea, was there any reason to "parody" Bridge to Terabithia?  (Incidentally, the guy who directed Terabithia, Gabor Csupo, worked on The Simpsons back in the before time.)  
2. Which producer's kid is Josh Groban holding hostage?  That was almost a commercial.  
3. If you are going to have an episode filled with iPod and Facebook references, why would Groundskeeper Willie flashback to his immigration in the first half of the 20th century?  

4. By my clock that episode was just over 19 minutes from opening credits to closing credits.  Of that time, approximately 1:45 was devoted to montages accompanied by either Groban songs or swirling string music; that's almost 10% of the screen time used strictly as filler material, and that doesn't count the fight scene at the end. 

5. You'd think a band that named itself after a minor character would have the self interest and good sense to get better billing that being stuck over the credits of this piece of shit.

6. Seriously, what does Josh Groban have on Fox?

There are two things for which I will give this episode 'credit', but only because I want to appear unbiased:

1. There was a quick sight gag where Homer was sitting at the kitchen table drinking from a cup that said "Ned" on it. It lasted two seconds and nobody said anything about it. It wasn't great but they managed not to fuck it up.
2. Homer didn't suffer any deadly or incapacitating blows. 

Besides that I have only bad things to say.  What reminded me that I wasn't actually watching the Simpson's the most was when Marge and Homer are talking about what Lisa might be doing at the model UN conference she was supposedly at.  When Marge asks if Homer thinks Lisa has enacted the 'rice tariff' Homer comes back with a Model UN procedural joke which I am sure the writers thought was witty.  Homer is not a comedy writer; he shouldn't sound like one.   

This was classic modern Simpsons: toss in a celebrity or three, throw in a recent, half-assed and superficial cultural reference, and call it a day.  

Old Doc Washburn prescribes viewing "Lisa's Rival" (Season 6 Disc 1) to clear the stench of product tie ins and endless montages.