Grammatically Incoherent Synergy

"I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV.  This one is for real." - Homer Simpson

I highly recommend clicking over to IGN for this week's edition of Network Synergy and You.  Not so much for the "review" itself, as it has been significantly improved below, but for the instantly recognizable image of Marge, which has been labeled with a caption that reads (and I am not making this up): "This is the character Marge Simpson from the animated television series The Simpsons."  Well, holy shit, I would not have been able to figure that one out for myself.  

Enjoy:

March 30, 2009 - "Wedding for Disaster" was one of those episodes that, while not knocking you down with laughter clever or entertaining, was quite fun easy to watch mock. It had a number of common Simpsons stories (religion, romance, movie parodies references, the rotting comedy carcass of Sideshow Bob) all stuck together into one bloated episode. I think that's why I enjoyed wasn't the least bit surprised by it. Once you thought you were settling into one story, the episode ran out of ideas, took a turn and started to take you in another direction. It was an episode that had me smiling shaking my head for 30 full minutes, if not always laughing out loud.

Things began with the show having trying to have a little fun with religion, as it has once had a reputation to do. Reverend Lovejoy explained that there were really only two commandments and that the rest are just filler, which would be funny if George Carlin hadn't done exactly that eight years ago. Makes sense to me. The good reverend also announced that the Parson an inoffensive, made up religious figure would be visiting Springfield. Apparently, the Parson is a bit like the Pope in the "Presbyluthern" religion, which the writers probably took eight hours creating after rejecting Baptomethodism. I loved how Real Simpsons was always non-specific this episode was about what religion is actually practiced at Lovejoy's church, because it's funnier that way. Lenny's excitement over "the earthly embodiment of the elected chair of the national congress of deacons" was my favorite line from this portion of the episode did not in any way sound forced coming from a guy who is supposed to be a blue collar drone.

The Parson's visit was to let Lovejoy know that, for a time, he was uncertified to perform church related acts for some reason. This meant that anything he officiated during that time period simply didn't count because . . . duh. There was a montage of scenes with Lovejoy breaking this news to people, and the best most time consuming was Cletus thinking the mailman was a ghost who has been haunting his shack. I also felt Homer greeting Lovejoy as the pizza deliveryman was ridiculously sublime a typically pointless Homer monologue. 

Another highlight of this episode was how the series handle to main plot(?).  [Editor's Note: Unpossible!] Lovejoy had officiated Homer and Marge's second marriage in season eight's "A Milhouse Divided." Marge recalled this event in another clock eating gimmick as she looked through her scrapbook because most of the remaining viewers of this show were in diapers at the time. I'm so happy this happened, because All too often the series Zombie Simpsons will go on with a plot that could and should, in some way, reference was more or less lifted directly from something that has occurred earlier in the series' run. All too often, The writers have either forgotten about these events, or they simply didn't bother to fit in an explanation or acknowledgment of any kind in. "Wedding for Disaster" made great use of the previous episode and, like a fourth-rate sequel, smartly used it to move tether this episode's gimmick of a story forward to characters the audience once cared about.

With their previous second marriage null and void, Homer wanted to give Marge the big, romantic wedding she never had got back in Season 8. As Homer put it, we wanted this wedding to be, like the one we had twelve years ago "unlike our children, planned in advance." This portion of the episode was the least enjoyable indistinguishably bad from the others. Marge became a bridezilla during the planning process, for some reason. This didn't work for me. Marge has been known to get frazzled now and again, but and the meanness didn't suit her here, but this is Zombie Simpsons we're talking about so nothing should come as a surprise. When Homer didn't come out for the ceremony, Marge thought it was because of how she acted, because "bridezillas" are notorious for instantly blaming themselves. Instead, the episode took another turn and gave us a mini Saw parody re-enactment. The hot sauce lollipop was great made me want wings. And then the episode this piece of shit threw us for another loop when Sideshow Bob arrived as a suspect in Homer's kidnapping showed up to help kill some more time. The Bob scene was fun a waste, but again, nothing that exactly bowled me over. what isn't on this show these days?

Ultimately, it was revealed decided that Patty and Selma were behind ruining the wedding, because the writers once again painted themselves into a corner. This fit and was also fun. And it was also sweet contrived, out of character bullshit to have Homer's recitation of his vows be the turning point for his sisters-in-law. Again, this wasn't a howlingly funny awful episode, but there were some great individual parts that were even worse, and overall "Wedding for Disaster" was a pleasant enough telling of Marge and Homer's third and fourth weddings reminder of why genuinely creative television shows don't need to recycle plots.

Quote of the Day

"Lousy Smarch weather." – Homer Simpson

Still Shitty

The numbers are in and while they're a mild improvement from last week they're still well below both the season average and where they were last year.  Last night's Sideshow Bob cameo popped for 6.58 million viewers, so the over has it.  

I would also like to point out that "Wedding for Disaster" is a pretty good example of pop culture references instead of pop culture jokes.  I'm not opposed to sending up the concept of psychotic brides to be, because it's a ridiculous concept and could use some satirizing.  Nor am I opposed to sending up the bridezillas themselves, because crazy people applying their narcissistic crazy to their wedding and everyone around them also deserve to have some fun poked at them.  But that's not what "Wedding for Disaster" did.  Instead it just has Marge acting nuts (and way way way out of character) in the context of a wedding.  They aren't satirizing anything, they're just having their characters act out an overly planned wedding.  

The same goes for the "Saw" thing.  Did it add anything to the episode?  Of course not, they just wanted to reference a string of popular movies.  It's not like the "Saw" franchise isn't crying out to be made fun of, they've made five movies in five years.  But Zombie Simpsons didn't make fun of them, they just used the "Saw" plot and visuals to inch their moronic plot along.  

Quote of the Day

"I didn't think you'd understand." – Lisa Simpson

"Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." – Homer Simpson

Bubbling with Anticipation

I just clicked on the epguides.com link to tonight's Zombie Simpsons.  Here is what it says:

After Marge and Homer's marriage turns out to be invalid, they decide to re-do their vows. But when Homer goes missing, Bart and Lisa smell something funny and investigate his disappearance.

Oh good, it's a recycled plot and and adventure mystery.  Color me tickled pink.  Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to pre-emptively watch "A Milhouse Divided" and "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy" to steel my brain against tonight's onslaught of stupid.  

(That's Season 8 Disc 1 and Season 6 Disc 2, respectively, by the way.)

Edit: While I'm at it, let's set the O/U for tonight's ratings at a flat 6.00 million viewers.  I'll be optimistic and take the Under.

Quote of the Day

"Go on Homer, our commandments clearly state that beer is alright.  Try some." – Rev. Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

"Two!" – Homer Simpson

"Mmnn, actually Homer that's just one.  See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part." - Lenny

Friday Link Dump - Obscure Guest Voice Edition

"That guy cheapens our whole profession." - Bruce Baum

T.O. funnyman Bruce Baum soars into cyberspace - Remember the guy pictured above?  He's got a comedy website, TheOuterNet.com (careful, video plays when you click), that The Ventura County Star wrote an article about and, in typical newspaper fashion, neglected to link.  Whatever, barbecue armpit deodorant sounds good to me.  

Channeling Homer Simpson on the Deficit Numbers - MIT economist Jonathan Gruber gets a gold star for excellent usage.  

Are The Best Days Of 'The Simpsons' Over? - The basic premise here is right on, though it's written for a website called Starpulse so there's a distinct whiff of Valley Girl crazy about the whole thing.  (From Starpulse's about page: "Starpulse.com offers celebrity enthusiasts like you . . ", uh, count me out, thanks.)  There is one little thing that deserves special attention though, the misspelling of 'Jebus'.  I see this all over the place, 'Jeebus' instead of 'Jebus'.  For fuck's sake people, it's pronounced exactly like the original but with a "b" in place of an "s".  There is no need for an extra "e".  Wow, that got off topic fast.

Great minds think differently - It's a list of thinkers, and I used the term loosely, who might have opinions about the current recession, including Homer Simpson, Sun Tzu, Epicurus, and Tony Soprano.  This guy is padding his list just a bit, methinks.

Triceratops Was A Social Animal, Group of Dinosaur Fossils Suggests - A site in Montana has fossils from a bunch of different Triceratops skeletons.  It's called the Homer Site because the guy who found it, Helmuth Redschlag, is a Simpsons fan.  Well done.  

Lottery win like a joke, trucker says - This guy won almost two million dollars from a lottery machine that said "Woo hoo!" when he scanned his ticket.  

Transit Spotting - Mr. Matt Smith isn't very happy with a new San Francisco transit project.  I couldn't tell you anything about the merits of the project, but the man's got his Simpsons straight and that's good enough for us.  

The 20 Hottest Movie Mums (via)- Internet lists are always pointless and stupid, but Marge is #1.    

Despite the sunshine, it rained on my parade - Damn right.  Even the Irish thought that episode was a piece of shit.

Barack Obama's Top 5 Bart Simpson Moments - Just one of the hundreds of radical right wing messages inserted into every post by co-creator Charlie Sweatpants.  

Quote of the Day

"In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk.  If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign.  Thy will be done." – Homer Simpson

Getting Out of Hand

"I'm in television now.  It's my job to be repetitive.  My job.  My job.  Repetitiveness is my job." - Bart Simpson

Simpsons Channel has a post up with the promo image for April 19th's Zombie Simpsons, titled "The Good, the Sad and the Drugly".  Here's the plot description:

To win the heart of Jenny (guest voice Anne Hathaway) a sweet 5th grade girl, Bart becomes a good samaritan and gives up his prank-pulling days

Given the presence of the perfectly cromulent word "drugly" in the title I'm gonna guess that this girl might have a lesson or two to teach Bart about growing up.  It's always creepy and rage inducing when Zombie Simpsons goes on one of its weird "we're moralizing/but no we're really mocking moralizing/um yeah, we're actually moralizing" skids.  That was about half the run-time of this season's feculent "Mypods and Boomsticks" episode and it always sucks.  

Well, at least we found out who Anne Hathaway is voicing on the Simpsons.  Apparently it's going to be Bart's love interest, not Krusty's.  The earlier leaked plot was to have her testify in court when . . . ugh . . . Krusty was falsely accused of a crime.  Now it seems she's voicing a goody-two-shoes that . . . ugh . . . Bart straightens up and flies right in order to impress.  I wouldn't rule out the Krusty-accused plot also being included; there's no real limit to the amount of stupidity Zombie Simpsons can jam into a single meandering story.  Of course, if that little gem of a Krusty plot isn't in there on April 19th, we could always see it later.  

On the plus side, the endless repetition of earlier plots may finally be having an effect.  There are some grumbly comments on that Simpsons Channel post from people who otherwise still think it's good.  

Quote of the Day

"You're like the guy, you're a legend around here.  Can I ask you, is it true you once worked ninety-six hours straight?" – James Woods

"Oh yes, it was horrible I tell you.  By the end I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind." – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

A Lesson in Internet Reading Comprehension

"After breakfast me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine.  We got a tip from a six year old that there's a dead martian down there." - Bart Simpson

I saw goofy little stories like this one and this one and this one on-line last week.  They amount to nothing that could be called news and I didn't even include them in the Friday Link Dump.  Then I check in on Simpsons Channel this morning and what do I see?  

Barack Obama on The Simpsons?

Sigh.  All of the above links can be traced to this post on the website of the British tabloid The Sun.  Here is the full quote from James L. Brooks:

"We’d love to have Barack on the show. No president has agreed to do it yet but we’ll keep asking.  We’re putting all the right signals out."  

That's it.  Brooks, speaking to a British newspaper, said they'd like to have Obama on the show.  Nothing more to it than that.  Of course The Sun, being a tabloid, has the headline read:

US President Barack Obama and British comic Russell Brand are being lined up for an appearance in The Simpsons

I'd say that's overstating the case a bit, but it was enough and the internet took it from there.  

Would Obama want to do a guest voice on Zomibe Simpsons?  I have no idea, that's up to him and the people around him.  For his sake I hope they're either not thinking about it or decide not to do it.  There's no sense tarnishing his image by associating him with a dying television show.  

But one thing's for sure, having Brooks mention that they'd like to do it is a far, far cry from what these stories and headlines imply.  

Quote of the Day

"Mr. Simpson, my husband and I have decided to move." – Mrs. Winfield

"Gonna run out the clock in Florida, eh?" – Homer Simpson

I Can't Imagine Why Fox Didn't Like This

I have no insight into why this little musical number from Family Guy wasn't broadcast.  (It looks like it was to have been part of the fall '07 episode "Lois Kills Stewie".)  The Entertainment Weekly post where I found it thinks it was the network censors, but other than the original YouTube uploader calling it "banned" I don't see any evidence of that, it may just have not made the final cut.  Of course, saying something was "banned" or implying that it's somehow too "think of the children" for broadcast television certainly makes it more appealing than saying it just didn't fit in the episode. 

That said, I doubt that the joke at about 2:15 pleased any network higher ups:

I could quibble with the particulars, but really I just like seeing other people say that Simpsons isn't funny any longer.  

Unsurprisingly, the always tedious "Simpsons Sucks/no it doesn't Family Guy sucks" back and forth breaks out in the comments section of both the Entertainment Weekly post and the originating YouTube link.  

Quote of the Day

"Bart, if she breaks up on you steer away from the grandstands or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. . . . Bart, what did I just tell you?" – Martin Prince

"Kill spectators." – Bart Simpson

Oh Yeah, It Was Bad

That was a fairly typical "Zombie Simpsons goes to X" type episode.  A few amusing one liners and cultural jokes are all but lost inside a thin husk of a story that doesn't make any sense and takes too long to tell.  The ratings are in and once again the numbers are bad, with a mere 6.15 million viewers tuning in.  That's up slightly from last week, though it's still well below average for this season and a million or so people down from the same period last year.  

Quote of the Day

"Calls?  Oh, calls.  Yes, uh, the Supreme Court called again, they need your help on some freedom thing." – Della

"Tell them to sit tight, I'll get back to them." – Lionel Hutz

Quote of the Day

"Hmm.  You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates." – C.M. Burns

Saturday Morning Cartoons

"I'll tell ya the truth, Dad.  I wasn't good at it right away so I quit.  I hope you're not mad." - Bart Simpson

"Son, come here, heh heh heh.  Of course I'm not mad.  If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing.  You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll go inside and watch TV." - Homer Simpson

"What's on?" - Bart Simpson

"It doesn't matter." - Homer Simpson

I love the above exchange, it's Homer and Bart at their best.  Homer is a low-give-a-shit father; Bart is a low-give-a-shit son; and together they couldn't care less.  Even better, this moment is played for sweetness, like it's a life affirming moment for Homer to encourage his son to quit music and watch television.  None of this Team Mischief crap.  As a bonus, there are three potential episode plots contained in that one quote.  One of them happened, but the other two are just discarded because, in the before time, in the long long ago, The Simpsons overflowed with ideas.  

Quote of the Day

"You know Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you." – Grandma Simpson

"Ahh, you didn't dumb it down, you said 'rapport'." – Lisa Simpson

Friday Link Dump - Barney and Ecstasy Edition

"I can see why this is so popular." - Homer Simpson

Meet Zaky, the purple bear with a message of tolerance - Zaky is a Barney clone, only he's a bear instead of a dinosaur and his original target audience was Australian Muslims.  Now he's going global:

Zaky's creator, Sydney film producer Subhi Alshaik, describes the mild-mannered cartoon character as "the opposite of Bart Simpson" who teaches "good, ethical, moral messages".

I would not have guessed that the opposite of Bart Simpson was a purple bear, but what do I know?

Lunch Break: Jon Stewart's 1994 Interview With Conan O'Brien - This is O'Brien, about a year after he left The Simpsons, on Jon Stewart's short lived MTV talk show.  It's mildly amusing.  Oh, and Brother Bently from CollegeOTR, George Bush Sr. was not president in 1994.  Kids these days.

Kids in Texas Are Getting "High" on Bart Simpson & Ninja Turtles - We're back on the Bart Simpson Ecstasy pills.  I know this is from a local television station so if I'm expecting anything above a fourth grade level discussion I'm going to be disappointed, but c'mon.  They've got the word "high" in scare quotes like it's a new fangled drug term to which "squares" are not yet "hip".  

Candy-Shaped Drug Worries Local Cops - In Washington state they aren't even waiting for the pills to arrive before moving straight into the moral panic:

Mansfield says they haven’t yet seen the pills shaped like cartoons

Now this is the perfect story for AM radio.  The station gets a story by doing nothing more than talking to a cop, and the cop gets to be on the radio for doing nothing more than being a cop.  It's a perfect, news free circle jerk.  

Daily Jolt: Baseball Without Borders - Very poor usage, Andrew Johnson of FanHouse, very poor.  "Radical" is not what comes out of Bart Simpson's mouth, it's Milhouse's thing, that's his thing that he says.  

VH1 resuscitates "Behind the Music" - Behind the Music is coming back.  That's how long Zombie Simpsons has been on the air, a show that was enough of a cliche to parody nine years ago has had time to get cancelled and be brought back.  

Homer Simpson goes to Middle East? - Oh yeah, this sounds like a great idea for an episode.  

F1 change won't alter supermodel quotient - F1 cars are getting bubble domes?

Presumably the brains behind the world's top motor sport felt they hadn't already thrown enough curveballs at drivers, who this year will pilot cars so dramatically reshaped from last season that they look more than a little like the one Homer Simpson famously designed for his brother. That car sent Danny DeVito broke; formula one isn't quite there yet but the signs aren't trending in a positive fashion.

Hmmm, probably not.  It would be cool though.  

Plans underway for MacGyver movie - "No Selma, this is lying.  That was a well plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch."  Also, MacGyver did a guest voice in 2006?  Whew, dodged a bullet there.

Scratchy has not yet been sighted - Morgan State played in the NCAA tournament last night and they've got a point guard named Itchy.  He got the nickname from his brother . . . who was killed "in an argument" a few years ago.  Jebus, Baltimore is a fucked up place.  Still, awesome name.  

Susy Schultz - New WTF column is about helping you - In this lady's alternate reality, WTF stands for "What's the Fix?".  The callous stupidity on display here is pretty astonishing:

A few people -- and when I say a few, I mean only two -- called or wrote to tell me that there is another meaning to the first three letters of the name of our new column, WTF: What's the Fix?

My sons might answer that by quoting Homer Simpson, "Du-oh."

I simply would say, "Yes, I know."

But we want nothing to do with THAT word. We are very clear that we mean, What's the Fix?

We are taking back those three simple letters. And we are reinventing them into a column that will help readers. I don't think that those initials are that far gone yet.

Where to begin?  Well, first of all, yes those three letters are gone and no you can't change their meaning even, as she writes at the very end, "in The Daily Journal's readership area."  (That appears to be just south of Chicago.)  "What the fuck" is a useful, multi-purpose phrase that works just fine; you cannot "fix" what is not currently "fucked".  And, "Du-oh"?  Does this woman have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man or Awakenings?  I mean, what the hell is she doing here?  

Quote of the Day

"Tis a fine barn, but sure tis no pool, English." – Amish Guy

"D'oheth!" – Homer Simpson

Sunday Preview: "In the Name of the Grandfather"

"I will not celebrate meaningless milestones." - Chalkboard gag

American viewers are in for a real treat this Sunday night. As my colleague Mad Jon noted, "In the Name of the Grandfather" has already aired for our friends overseas, so we get to look forward to sloppy-Zombie Simpsons seconds for the first time ever. If you feel dirty, you should.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet though, some of us more resourceful types have already watched it. I won't spoil the finer surprises and disappointments, but needless to say, Mr. Potato Head has a speaking role as a judge. I kid you not. If you can't wait to revel in this cringe-inducing, Irish stereotype-laden pastiche of a shitshow, satisfaction is only a Google search and a download away. Not that we here at the Dead Homer Society support nor condone such reprehensible and appalling behavior.

Quote of the Day

"I'm Kent Brockman, on the 11 o'clock news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal.  We won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm." – Kent Brockman

Wednesday Evening Cartoons

"I'm alive!  I'm alive and I couldn't be happier!  From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!" - Homer Simpson

The Simpsons often liked to mess around with their end credits, either playing a different song or having some remaining dialogue continue while they roll.  One of the most underrated examples of this is the end of "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" (Season 2, Disc 2).  After shouting the above, the credits roll while Homer sits on the couch, eating pork rinds (light!) and watching professional bowling.  It's great all by itself, but the bowling announcers in the background make a good thing even better.  Their subdued and petty arguments are dead on perfect for ABC's Wild World of Sports or 3:00am on Friday night ESPN in the early 90s.  Cracks me up every time.

Quote of the Day

"Now, you've got little hands; can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate? . . . Pfft, nevermind." – Homer Simpson

Finally, A New Idea

""What - are - you - looking at?" - The innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at young man, a town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit." - Kent Brockman

So today is St Patrick's Day. Whoopee!!! If you are anything like me you are finishing up your Irish seven course and wondering about the special St. Patrick's Day Zombie Simpsons episode that aired tonight on the other side of the pond, and will air in the States on Sunday. This isn't the first St Pat's episode of the Simpsons, or even the second one for that matter, but I am pretty sure it is only the third time they've done it. And it's definitely the first time it's been broadcast overseas first. So there. Anyway, it's pretty meaningless to me as a shitty cartoon is a shitty cartoon in any timezone.

What does surprise me, however, is that Homer will apparently drink Guinness. In all fairness, I haven't seen the episode yet, so I garnered this info from a website called 4rfv.co.uk. I couldn't tell you whether or not this is a reliable news source, I also couldn't care less. If it is true, it means that a cartoon is pitching an actual beer brand in prime time. And while I am 100% behind both cartoons and beer, I can't, in good conscience, support the advertisement (we pronounce it ad-ver-TISE-ment over here you mick/limey fucks) of a purchasable brand of beer in a TV show that, over the last ten years, has shown an intelligence level only suitable for the entertainment of pre-teens and retards.

So, assuming my source is right, shame on you FOX. You shouldn't help beer companies sell their dangerously delicious product to the underage and handicapped. And shame on you Guinness. How dare you link your wonderful beer with such a terrible television show. You might as well have done this with "Desperate Housewives" or "Survivor" because at least then someone who can buy your product would be watching. Not me though, I hate those fucking shows.

Synergy: May I Get Out from Under Your Desk Now?

"A solar eclipse, the cosmic ballet goes on." - Leonard Nimoy

Editing this review so that it no longer reeks of Fox Executive ball sweat and dick smell was far more fun than the episode itself.  I even remembered things I'd blocked out, like the solar powered train that stopped in an eclipse.  Where the hell have I seen that before?  Ah well, I'm sure it'll come to me.  Enjoy:

March 16, 2009 - The story can often make all the difference in an episode of The Simpsons. Watching Principal Skinner lead the riffraff students out of the inner city two episodes ago was fun and funny to watch painfully stupid partly because the story made no damn sense. Having Ned buy the Simpson home to become their landlord was a bit less inspired last week equally retarded, and I enjoyed that episode less hope I forget both of them soon. So it's no surprise that I thoroughly enjoyed despised "Gone, Maggie, Gone," with its bent dimwitted take on a Da Vinci Code-like mystery. It was funny boring, clever simple minded and a downright enjoyable soul crushing viewing experience.

The solar eclipse that began the episode may at first have seemed like the often unrelated opening bit that would move us onto the actual story, but here it played a major role there was no actual story. It was the key event that would set off a hunt for the Gem of St. Theresa series of random sight gags. But first, there was some fun to be had screen time to kill. One of the most least entertaining parts of this episode for me was seeing Ed Begley driving his solar powered car, which lost power on the train tracks. And then the bit really paid off kept going longer than it should with the train also losing power because it was an "Ed Begley Solar Powered Train." If that wasn't funny hackneyed enough, I laughed out loud shrugged with indifference when I saw Ed Begley was a guest voice in this episode without saying a word. He simply gasped and sighed in his short but and ineffective sequence. (Editor's Note: Begley is a third rate celebrity at best, it isn't like doing a miniscule guest voice on a show as mediocre as Zombie Simpsons is some big step down the fame ladder for him.)

Marge's blindness from looking at the eclipse set up a few great bits made no sense and wasn't funny but was played for dumb laughs anyway, including Dr. Hibbert showing the clip explaining Tex Avery Syndrome. There were also the numerous and unnecessary attempts to trick Marge into thinking Maggie and Lisa were still around. Homer's Maggie hand puppet was great awful even by the standards of Zombie Simpsons. Of course, losing Maggie was the contrived reason for all of this, and this happened during Homer's hilarious send-up time killing duplication of the classic fox/duck/corn across a river riddle. Better yet Eating even more time was the puzzle puzzling itself out with Cletus and a very full fox. When Homer left Maggie at a convent's steps, the really shitty parts puzzle of the episode began.

Lisa infiltrated the nuns to try and get Maggie back, but uncovered a far greater mystery way to fill the contractually obligated amount of air time. I really enjoy cannot fucking stand the adventure thinly thought through stories likes this that The Zombie Simpsons have given us in the past. My favorite One of the worst is "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' Simpson Safari" but "Gone, Maggie, Gone" has shot up the list. The riddles plot contrivances were fun awful and the story was entertaining and funny equally terrible. The never-ending Rube Goldberg contraption opening up a secret panel in the church was a great lazy start. It was also a smart necessary choice to get more of the townsfolk involved in the mystery rather than simply following Lisa from clue to clue, because that will only take up so much time. Principal Skinner and Comic Book Guy were an unlikely pair there, and that added to the comedy. It was also perfect weak story telling to have Mr. Burns show up as a third faction searching for the gem to help move along the un-resolvable mess the writers got themselves into. The ending was sweet batshit fucking crazy, with Maggie removing Marge's bandages, and I even enjoyed the hellish results of Bart taking Maggie's place on the throne made even less sense.

As entertaining horrifyingly brain melting as the "story" was, it would not have made a difference if it weren't just as equally horrifyingly unfunny. Marge had a great line after her family kept her blind period fully stress-free: "Everyday Every day has been like the first ten minutes of Mother's Day." I laughed scratched my head and looked at the clock throughout the retelling of the legend of St. Theresa, which included pirate nuns and a fake war for independence. Mr. Burns referring to Smithers as his albino was another hilarious bit rote plot point plugged in from The Da Vinci Code. ("I'm not an albino. I just use a lot of sun block." "Then why do I give all the albino holidays off, hmm?") Overall, it was the combination of a fully engaging idiotic story and great a complete lack of laughs that made "Gone, Maggie, Gone" another winner disaster for The Zombie Simpsons in their post-hi-def series run.

Quote of the Day

"Who chased the Irish out of Springfield village in aught four?  Me, that's who!" – Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

"And a fine job you did, too." – Irish Guy

Angry Yawns

That bizarro thing that was on last night distracted me enough that I forget to make an over/under prediction for this week's ratings.  Oh well, the under would've won because the numbers are in and once again they aren't pretty.  Just like last week, yesterday's Zombie Simpsons failed to make the totally arbitrary six million people number, coming in at 5.97 million people.   

To give you an idea of just how bad things are, through thirteen episodes of Season 19 (the lowest rated season ever), Zombie Simpsons was averaging a little over 9 million viewers.  Through thirteen episodes this year Zombie Simpsons is averaging 7.72 million viewers, a decrease of 15%.  What's more, the ratings tend to be lower in the spring than in the fall so that number is likely to go lower still.  March, April and May of last year dragged the overall average down from 9.07 to just 8.26 million viewers.  

In a related note, Family Guy Afterbirth (aka American Dad) pulled in 5.83 million viewers and actually had a better rating among 18-34 year olds than Zombie Simpsons did.  Sweet.  

Quote of the Day

"I can't believe it, you've actually found a practical use for geometry." – Bart Simpson

Loss for Words

"Oh no!  Aliens, bio duplication, nude conspiracies, oh my god, Lyndon LaRouche was right!" - Homer Simpson

I am at a loss for a way to criticize tonight's Zombie Simpsons.  It was so incoherent, random and boring that the only way to address it on its own level would be for me to drag my knuckles across the keyboard in a random pattern.  So that's exactly what I'm going to do.  

About the rats, the poison, the car crash and the rowboat:

xdsfgbvgnmlkmjiugyfgvtf;l.ku,yjmngtbfdv scwvqc12345dewworeis7kjdy,uxjgcx,.figdkt7ejr4w,7ej,.drsuf6itdr5sltriekejye3hjym7r,dufmcvj cnvbfhtrs6tds6xftc,gkmfdmnyfhf b

Then there was the ancient mystical convent, the time wasting clock scene, Marge spoon feeding Homer's hand, the endless exposition and Bart's saxophone solo:

servgsdgfhkj,klk;jljk.ngcvbx cxvdcfewt4r546u57uityhgbv cxvsgdrt567ui6i8790-090opuioyhgbxcv zcsadwqer34t5y6u7jik89luii8kughgvn xzcdaewsreth6yjt7ku8yli9uiykugmnhf gbdsvewrg5ht6jynrbg df

Finally, we come to the clock tower scene, the giant sign scene, the helicopter ride and the rainbows that shot out of Maggie's head for some reason:

xz csdafgvgrd5tesgsgniaovsl dzxm xdisnf4ujwrmklfdskj;lj;4woprekldfwlrjx ckldmmxcsdkljcx uzdedioxdsaljewfndsmx,m.zcmknlsdfwejiouqq87q38owi9poe;lkdsjfazxmvc zzc,nkdsjfoew94q8ohu3qrihefiovnds kjnh089gvyq3bworeg4h0w90 gnv wgnvnv 75q3 948

Ahhh, that was cathartic.  Could anyone else make anything out of that?  Or have we crossed a line into something so totally disconnected from reality and thought that it's simply beyond our ability to digest?  

Quote of the Day

"Beware the Ides of March." – Lisa Simpson

"No." – Homer Simpson

Saturday Morning Cartoons

"It's good!  It's good!  It's goooood! . . . It's good to see you all in church." - Homer Simpson

Another one of the thousands of reasons that The Simpsons works better than any other show?  Homer, suffering in a church pew like so many Americans, has Lovejoy's sermon sync up with the football announcer.  It's too long ago to be sure, but I think I peed myself - just a little - the first time I ever saw this scene.

Quote of the Day

"So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?" – Lionel Hutz

"No.  In fact, I can recite pi to 40,000 places.  The last digit is 1." – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Friday Link Dump - Math and Science Edition

"Lisa, your father needs your help.  Do you know anything about Germany?" - Homer Simpson

"Well, it's a country in Europe." - Lisa Simpson

"Good good, I'm learning." - Homer Simpson

I found two different Periodic Tables on-line this week that use Homer Simpson to represent Element 108, Hassium.  It doesn't exist in nature, has a half life of 0.002 seconds and was discovered/created in 1984 by some Germans.  

Cartoon Character Periodic Table - Cobra Commander as Cobalt is good, but having The Tick as Titanium is better.  Also, Flanders is Neodymium; unlike Homer he's stable and exists outside of a laboratory.  (Via Digg)

Video Game Character Periodic Table - There are some cartoon characters sprinkled around this one on the grounds that Homer and Iron Man have been in video games even if they were originally created elsewhere.  My personal favorite here is John Madden, the father of video game football, as Mendelevium which was named after Dimtri Mendeleev the father of the periodic table.  Little known fact, Mendeleev went to grade school with Brett Favre and loves Turducken.  (Via Kombo)

Sexy maths: A number-munching celebration - Don't forget, tomorrow is Pi Day!  On Pi Day for every circle that has its area calculated an angel gets its wings . . . or was it circumference?  I forget which.  On a related note, I'm glad I've never seen the piece of shit episode that makes this link a Simpsons reference, though this is entertaining:

If we had evolved with a different anatomy, say with eight fingers like Homer Simpson, pi would still be the same expression of the unchanging ratio between the circumference and diameter of a circle but using powers of eight rather than powers of ten as our natural base would mean pi began 3.110375...

I miss my base-6 math textbook.  

Old flag's just fine - It seems that there's a debate in Manitoba about changing the provincial flag.  Our author, the awesomely named Ace Burpee, is against it:  

I read one quote online that supporters of a new flag would "like it to be easier for kids to draw". Then change the Canadian flag as well because every drawing of a maple leaf by a child looks like a hybrid between Lisa Simpson's hair and a marijuana leaf.

Because marijuana leaves are so much easier to draw than maple leaves.  

Teaching humanities in a culture of business - A couple of sisters in Buffalo are taking the 'dolt' out of A-dolt education by teaching Shakespeare and other humanities to people who didn't learn them in school.  One of the sisters, Deepa Govindaraj, endears herself to us by saying, "I think 'The Simpsons' is high culture."  

Italy Upsets Canada at World Baseball Classic - The New York Times laughs at the World Baseball Classic's loose eligibility rules and likens them to Mr. Burns bringing in professional baseballers.

Lions even get dissed in animation - The Detroit Free-Press takes a little umbrage at Zombie Simpsons' portrayal last week of evil Flanders as a Lions fan.  Speaking as a Lions fan I'd agree, but speaking as a Simpsons fan I know it's far too much to ask Zombie Simpsons to put thought into things.  "Detroit Lions GM" would've been funnier and more apt that "Detroit Lions Fan".  

TV star dubs cllr "Homer Simpson of Culture" - I know these words but this story makes no sense. 

TV Recap: 24 - Episode 13 8:00-9:00 PM - Jebus I'm glad I don't watch 24.  If a critic can compare the actions of your fictional president to Herb Powell it might be time to watch a different program.  

Craft Village UK revamps Simpsons gift range - "Sounded large when I ordered it.  Ahh, I can't make hide nor hair of these metric booby traps."

A little housekeeping - Wow, NPR is really vacuous and stupid.  This podcast does reference The Simpsons at about the 11 minute mark, but I wouldn't recommend it.  

Bedford police seize drugs that look like kids' vitamins - This is very simple and I'm only going to say it once, DO NOT PUT ILLEGAL DRUGS UNDER YOUR SEAT.  Put them in the glove box or the trunk and if the officer asks to open it you say "No".  I know this, you know this, Jay-Z knows this.  Also, I find it amusing that while the Bart Simpson and Superman ecstasy pills are right side up, the cops have the Autobot symbol upside down.  

Bart or a Flanders kid -- who would you rather raise? - SF Chronicle baby blog, we've praised you before, but this is dumb even by internet standards.

'Simpsons' in stone Hollywood on hold - So you want to make a statue of the family sitting on the couch?  Fine.  I don't think that makes this true: 

the statue would replicate the five-member family sitting on a couch watching TV, a scene in the 2007 "The Simpsons Movie."

You know, they've been sitting on that couch for a long time; it isn't exactly from the movie. 

Detectives identify injured woman - A missing woman is identified by her Marge Simpson key chain.  

Reagan Library Honored for Exhibit - Nothing is more prestigious than an award from the Themed Entertainment Association.  It's so prestigious that the Simpsons ride and the Beijing Olympics also won something.  Enh, it's still better than a Grammy.  

Celebrity sighting: Cy Young Winner CC Sabathia meets Homer Simpson at Universal Orlando Resort - Morbidly obese, past his prime pitcher, recently signed to a bloated contract that he'll never live up to, meets morbidly obese, past his prime cartoon character, recently signed to a bloated contract that he'll never live up to.  

Quote of the Day

"Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels." – Sunday School Teacher

Quote of the Day

"Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows!  We want to get the old people smell out before we move in." – Homer Simpson

A Simpsons Guest Star Quiz

Bored? Take this quiz. I got 100%; the average score was 58%. Suck it, Internet.

And, bonus, most of the guest stars featured in the quiz weren't shitty ones. I said most, not all.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up, Ireland

"The Simpson story begins back in the old country, I forget which one exactly." - Abe "Grandpa" Simpson

The next next new episode of Zombie Simpsons is going to premier in Ireland and the UK on St. Patrick's Day.  (It won't be on here in the New World until next Sunday the 22nd.)  Basically, Grandpa decides that he's from Ireland and they go there and get drunk and buy a pub and probably some other random, disconnected stuff as well.  But the Irish have apparently not gotten the message that Zombie Simpsons sucks balls.  Like, really not gotten the message:

In the Name of the Grandfather is expected to give Irish tourism a major boost as it features some of the country's biggest tourist attractions.

I know times are tough, but pinning your hopes to Zombie Simpsons is like taking the Barney guarding job.  We've all entertained the thought, but there has to be something else you can do.  

Quote of the Day

"The American, Drederick Tatum, does a triumphant turkey trot over the supine Swede.  One's thoughts turn to Alexander of Macedon's victories at Granicus and Issus." – Howard Cosell

"No Loan Again, Naturally" predictably awful

It goes without saying that we here at the Dead Homer Society hated "No Loan Again, Naturally." From the number of times Homer was seriously injured (4, including the opening sequence and couch gag), to Bart randomly being outed as a redhead, to the piss poor way Patty and Selma were drawn, there was very little to love. Even more charming moments, like the note Homer leaves upstairs, felt cursory in the broader context of the ham-handed plot. You mean Homer takes advantage of Flanders' generosity -- again? Get out.

Honestly, getting a lecture from Zombie Simpsons about the consequences of the housing bubble is akin to a bum telling you to go buy a Ferrari. The first expected response is "huh?" followed by "who are you to offer me advice?" Gawker agrees, noting that

This particular episode just seemed tacky, cruel, and, most importantly, not funny. The millionaires who make the show haw-hawing at distressed people who suddenly find themselves homeless? Yikes.

The last scene of the episode does give us a perfect analogy for how far the show has fallen though. After 22 minutes of stretched characterizations (when, and more importantly why, did Gil and the Cat Lady turn into something more than background curiosities?) and humorless jokes, everything reverts to normal as Flanders announces to Evergreen Terrace that "The Simpsons are back!" Several neighbors, exasperated, promptly put up for sale signs. Hell, if it were that easy to quit the show, this blog wouldn't exist.

Also, Homer stole copper wire before in "Separate Vocations," sans electrocution, to greater effect. That is all.

Five O'Clock Vulva

Dave found this a couple of weeks ago and while we're not entirely sure of Blogger's formal policy on links to websites with pictures of vaginas painted to look like Homer Simpson, it cannot be ignored.  Fleshbot, do the NSFW honors:

Finally, Some Simpsons Merchandise Worth Paying For

We've seen girls who are totally shaved, totally natural, and somewhere in between. But we've never seen a girl with labia that looked like Homer Simpson... until today, that is.

Thank you, internet porn, thank you.

Quote of the Day

"Question sixty.  I prefer the smell of a) gasoline, b) French fries, or c) bank customers." – Ms. Hoover

And the Hits Keep on Coming

Last night's Flanders love-in was a near perfect microcosm of Zombie Simpsons crapitude: the Simpsons do something zany, Homer doesn't worry about it because he knows everything is going to be okay, everything turns out to be okay for some reason, the end.  Like much of Zombie Simpsons, there were a few chuckle worthy gags almost totally subsumed by the hurricane force torrents of "What the fuck?".

TV by the Numbers will have the ratings up in a few hours, in the meantime I'm setting the over/under at 7.1 million people.  There was no NASCAR preemption this week and it was the first time since November that new episodes have premiered on consecutive Sundays.  

Also, I have no idea why our main page here was blank for portions of yesterday, but it seems to be working now.  

Update:  Wow, 5.99 million, the under wins by a mile and my handicapping skills have been dealt another blow.  Zombie Simpsons got beat by the oxymoronically titled "Saturday Night Live Clips" on NBC.  The demographic numbers aren't as grim, especially among 18-34 year olds, but that's still a very sad number, the second worst of all time.  (The Josh Groban Power Hour holds that distinction.)  Still, it's always nice to get good news on a Monday.  

If You Stop Praising It, Maybe They'll Let It Die

"Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers!" - Kent Brockman

I still have not watched last night's Zombie Simpsons episode, but I did spend the first 2 hours of my workday reading reviews on various fan sites. If I were 8 years old, obscenely gullible, or a high school student from a Detroit public school, I would run home right now to watch it as it was apparently good.

No, not just good:

"I claim this as a New Classic!" - Gatorgod (nohomers.net)
Super, lemme get AMC on the phone.

"finaly they are making weekly eppisodes again. hopefully their ratings will soon improve." - nick-tick-97 (simpsonschannel.com)

My money says your typing does first.

"aw, what the heck. 5/5." - thardin (nohomers.net)
That's the spirit!

"I liked it better than the previous one?" - Godfrey (nohomers.net)
Wait, are they holding a gun to your head while you read from that card?!?

"one of the funniest shows evert to exist! i cant belive that its been around for over 30 years! !" - animemaster0x70 (tv.com)
For some reason I cant either...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to watch this episode tonight, or ever for that matter. The more I read about it the more I feel I don't need to watch it; the painful Homer injury scenes, Lenny and Carl gay jokes, Ned acting as more than a doormat plotlines, Marge commenting on some stupid thing and then holding it in her hand scenes, and Maggie doing more than being a baby situations are materializing in my head already.

I also read that there is a Homer commiting suicide scene. I guess they are out of things with which to burn, hit, electrocute, stab, flatten, smash, shoot, run over, or chew on him. It was bound to happen.

Quote of the Day

"Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful." – Mr. Smithers

Quote of the Day

"I didn't think it would burn so fast." – Marge's Friend

"I guess it's the tissue paper inside." – Marge Bouvier

Saturday Morning Cartoons

"You know, when that Simpson boy showed up it took years off my life." - Mr. Bouvier

"Will you stop it, she went out with the good one." - Mrs. Bouvier

The image above is among the many tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of reasons that The Simpsons flat out works in a way that no other television show, and certainly not Zombie Simpsons, works.  It's not that other shows have never used snapshot photos to advance the plot, it's the fact that Simpsons is so dense with jokes and ideas that rather than spending even a moment on the painful and distracting image of Marge rejecting Homer, they use this to move on as quickly as possible.  

Quote of the Day

"Eight fifty-eight, first time I've ever been early for work, except for all those Daylight Savings days . . . lousy farmers." – Homer Simpson

Friday Link Dump

"Look boy, either Michael Jackson is some guy working in a recording studio in L.A., or he's here with you willing to work on this song." - Leon Kompowski 

Will posting links to random things that mention The Simpsons become a Friday tradition?  Do you care?  I sure don't.  

Michael Jackson in 1992: 'I think I had a crush on him' - Looking back on it, Michael Jackson's association with Bart Simpson is one of those pop culture coincidences that just makes the mind reel.  Watch the 'Do the Bartman' video, especially the pelvic thrusting, and tell me it isn't weirder than the Super Bowl XXVII halftime show.  (Also, there are more and better visual gags in that video than in all of Season 20 so far.)  

The world's funniest orgasm - Sex advice columns are proof that our culture is capable of working at hilarious cross purposes.  This has almost nothing to do with The Simpsons, but invoking an animated, ten-year-old child to describe an orgasm laugh is too good to pass up.  

It's hard work being an ant - I have no idea what this is about (there are several others if you click on the author link), whether or not the survey being referenced is real, or what the other choices besides "Homer Simpson" were.  Let's move on.  

Grand Funk Railroad - Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974, it's a scientific fact.  I would also submit this as further proof of why Homer and Marge are out of place in 2009.  

Laura Yeager: "Tips for the Bipolar Marriage" - I suppose someone with diagnosed bipolar disorder gets a pass on glaringly poor usage like this:

Hold a weekly family meeting to discuss your issues. Ours were called the “Eat My Shorts” sessions, in homage to Homer Simpson.

That done, there is an entire magazine dedicated to bipolar people and the website is www.bphope.com?  That's a terrible business model; if you show people how to live comfortably with their disorder then they won't need your magazine.  

10th-Grader's Site nocussing.com Inspires No Cussing Week in L.A. - Hey, kid: fuck you.  Also, "the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors issued a proclomation [sic] that the first week of March will be "No Cussing Weak.""  You know what, they're right, cussing is week.

Profile: Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land is in the driver's seat - If I hadn't had such positive recent experience with the Michigan DMV, and I'm serious about that, I'd be pissed about this photo: 

Press File PhotoTerri Lynn Land wearing a Marge Simpson wig at this year's Coffee Dunker's breakfast.

Doin it and doin it and doin it in public - People worry that the internet is going to destroy libraries as we know them, but can you fuck inside the internet?  I think not.  Nit pick time:

Even Homer and Marge Simpson rekindle their sex life by doing the deed at a miniature golf course.

They were interrupted when they were trying to rekindle their sex life; it was when they were young and unmarried (like most of the kids in the article) that they actually joined the castle club.  

Marge's Lesbian Fantasies. - I really don't think (and most of the commenters agree) that this was a pro-feminist image.  The whole episode sucked anyway.  

411 Fact or Fiction Movies/TV 03.06.09 - #6 = Teh Stupid.  Fucking Zombie Simpsons.  

Quote of the Day

"Ever since you started therapy all you can do is talk about yourself.  But what about me, Marge?" – Homer Simpson

"I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet." – Marge Simpson

"You see?  You see?  *I* just left *my* first session, and *I* haven't opened *my* mouth yet."  - Homer Simpson

Forfty

XKCD #386

Quoting and referencing The Simpsons - a lot - is part and parcel of being a Simpsons fan.  Since I'm an asshole, I love excellent or appropriate usage and loathe poor or inappropriate usage.  (Though I'll admit that I'm frequently guilty of the latter.)  Today during my daily perusing of the internet I came across this from The United Church Observer:

Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.”

This is a citation that frequently gets screwed up.  Can you spot the error?  Let's try another example; this one is from a source which could not be more different than a 180 year old Canadian Jebus magazine, a comment thread up at the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Otto Man Says:
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Listen, Stu, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

See the difference now?  "Forty percent" "14%"  Those are both common ways for that quote to be used and both are incorrect.  The actual quote, and SNPP will back me up on this, is:

"Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.  Forfty percent of all people know that."

Forfty.  Homer makes up a number.  It is neither fourteen nor forty, it is "forfty".  Selah.  

(Note: KSK is a site wonderfully heavy with Simpsons references and Otto Man is one of their all-star commenters, so I offer the above in only the friendliest of ways.  I am not a regular reader of The United Church Observer so I can't speak to their history with Simpsons quotes.) 

Quote of the Day

"We've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman." – Rev. Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

"Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was." – C.M. Burns

Mmmmm, That's Good Synergy

"You looken sharpen todayen mein Herr." - Mr. Smithers

There isn't much point in posting a review of a television show that's already been broadcast, but that didn't stop the good people over at IGN from sucking up to their superiors.  Their disturbingly obsequious review was written by one Robert Canning.  To give you an idea of where he's coming from, the only post on his "blog" at IGN is an about statement that has the following two sentences right next to each other:

The Simpsons should never die. (Well, not never, but not for a while)
I'm strangely attracted to Bonnie Hunt.

I don't think I can add anything to that, but I can rework his review into something with a modicum of dignity and honesty.  Enjoy.  

March 2, 2009 - Some of the best episodes of The Simpsons are focused on events at Springfield Elementary, and "How The Test Was Won" is no a massive, glaring exception. This was a smart dimwitted, very funny tedious half hour that proved you can't write off this television stalwart simply because it's been on the air for 20 years.

In a delightful nod to some other great, historic television programs, this episode's couch bit traveled through time showing the Simpson clan in some very famous roles while killing a lot of time. It started with The Honeymooners and stopped at The Dick Van Dyke Show (Homer tripped over the ottoman), The Brady Bunch (Lisa got hit in the nose), and at a bar called Cheers. In a very smart and funny an utterly predictable bit that's been done before, Sideshow Bob walked into the bar. Bob, of course, is voiced by Kelsey Grammer, who sat on those famous bar stools as Dr. Fraser Crane.

But a great time waster couch bit doesn't always mean a great time waster episode. Thankfully, this week's outing lived up to the opening, and was equally boring.  Springfield Elementary announced to the student body that they would be participating in the Vice-Presidential Assessment Test. (Nelson: "He stinks!") Since this test determines the amount of federal funding the school would receive, Superintendent Chalmers concocted a scheme to get rid of the school's underperformers. At first, I thought noticed this plot seemed too similar is identical to what happened in "Whacking Day," when Principal Skinner locked the bullies and Bart in the utility basement to have them out of the way during one of Chalmer's inspections. But "How The Test Was Won" took the idea in a different direction and nothing felt retread or repurposed, made me wish I was watching "Whacking Day" instead. Here, Chalmers got the school bullies, Ralph and Bart on Otto's bus (disguised as a helicopter, no less for some reason) and then tricked Principal Skinner into getting on board as well, for some other reason.

The rest of the episode followed the adventure of random, pointless events that happen to Skinner and the "superstars" as they were being shipped off to Capital City for the day for yet another unknown reason. This was classic Zombie Simpsons. Some of the most memorable episodes of the series have involved Skinner mismatched with some students in extraordinary genuinely humorous situations ("Skinner's Sense of Snow" "Team Homer", "Separate Vocations" and "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" to name two three.) Laughs Paroxysms of boredom came from all directions, including Bart's taunting, Skinner's horror at realizing their location ("My God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard!") and even from Otto's ever-present buzz. But the biggest laugh cheapest, most contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke came when Ralph needed to stop for a bathroom break. While at the urinal, Ralph sang a long, repetitive portion of The Spice Girls' "Wannabe." Then, when Skinner told him to hurry up and finish, Ralph stated, "I finished before we came in." I'm throwing this scene in as a contender for a top ten Ralph Wiggum moment list of reasons from this episode alone that Zombie Simpsons should've gone off the air ten years ago.     

The rest of the episode was equally entertaining bland. Back at the testing, Lisa was drawing a blank. Chalmers had a great line here another contrived pop culture reference masquerading as a joke when he approached the troubled girl: "Like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere. But like T.J. Hooker, I say what's on my mind." While the test taking was actually a small part of the episode, the anxiety of Chalmers, Lisa and the rest of the kids offered up a good number of chuckles opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Homer's incoherent slapstick storyline was also very funny boring. In what could have just been the usual style of weak filler, having Homer uninsured until 3:00 p.m. was a smart choice that and loaded the episode with some great visuals time killing garbage. Early on, we were given a montage of Homer getting hurt. Again, this is something the series has done before and it worried me that the episode might just be proved again that it's just repeating itself. But when Homer ended the overlong montage with, "What a week," you could tell this was actually going somewhere sadly, the best they can do. The story thing ended at Marge's book club, where Homer did a hilarious, slow-motion job of keeping everyone safe. Well, except for Mr. Burns. It's a sequence you have to see to truly enjoy comprehend the vapidity.

The very ending didn't quite lived up to what preceded it, but at least it tied a few things together. Skinner realized there was more to teaching than testing and he called off the federal exam exposited ad nauseam about it. This freed Lisa from failing the test brought a merciful end to another subplot no one cared about. Tidy Ham fisted, but and not very funny. And I could have done without the Footloose-referencing extended dance scene with Chalmers. But those are minor issues in an episode that had me laughing from the beginning to (almost) the end many major ones.